


The First Savior

by Emielyn_xo



Category: The Walking Dead & Related Fandoms, The Walking Dead (Comics), The Walking Dead (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Zombie Apocalypse, Anger, Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Angst and Porn, Arguing, Binge Drinking, Birthday, Birthday Party, Birthday Sex, Birthday Smut, Blow Jobs, Car Sex, Cheating, Child Loss, Comfort/Angst, Crazy, Daddy Issues, Daddy Kink, Denial of Feelings, Doggy Style, Drinking, Drinking to Cope, Drunk Sex, Eventual Smut, Excessive Drinking, F/M, Fake Marriage, False Pregnancy, Feelings, Fights, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Smut, Forbidden Love, Grief/Mourning, Heavy Angst, Heavy Drinking, Inspired by The Walking Dead, Mental Breakdown, Morning Sickness, Multi, My First Smut, Negan (Walking Dead) is an automatic warning, Non-Consensual Spanking, Oral Sex, Porn with Feelings, Post-Zombie Apocalypse, Pregnancy, Public Sex, Punishment, Rape/Non-con Elements, Reader-Insert, Regret, Revenge, Rough Sex, Secret Crush, Secret Relationship, Sex, Sex on a Car, Shameless Smut, Shower Sex, Smut, Spanking, The Hilltop (Walking Dead), The Sanctuary, The Walking Dead References, Unplanned Pregnancy, Walkers, Walkers (Walking Dead), Walking Dead Spoilers, Wives, Zombie Apocalypse, confused feelings, scavenging
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-01-09
Updated: 2018-04-01
Packaged: 2018-09-15 23:56:35
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 25
Words: 64,298
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9264770
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Emielyn_xo/pseuds/Emielyn_xo
Summary: The apocalypse has not been kind to you. You've lost all of your family, your friends and just when you were about to loose your hope, he came and saved you. He may not have been perfect by a long shot, but he was your Saviour, and after a time you were his too. But as time goes by your love/hate relationship grows but something happens that could threaten to break all of that.





	1. Chapter 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The reader is in trouble and guess who comes to the rescue...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is my first time writing anything like this, but please be brutally honest with me! Hope you enjoy!

You were surrounded. Every direction you looked in were walkers, snarling, reaching for you. You had nowhere to go, the car roof offering little comfort. At least you were out of their reach, for now. You couldn’t be sure how many there was, 10, 15, maybe more. You were trapped, there was no way out. Your hands gripped onto the baseball bat. You were sure this was the end. Their groans were deafening, they were all reaching for you. You swung your bat down, crushing the skull of one nasty walker. Its skull crumbled under the bat, staining it a dark red colour. You spun around. There was no way you could kill them all. The commotion was attracting more and more, you could see them emerging from the woods.  
_This should have been easy,_ you scolded yourself. You had left your camp to go and find some food, nothing major, you’d spotted a few shops a couple of miles from your new camp, but then the herd came, and now you were stuck. Swimming in your thoughts, you lost concentration and came tumbling down on the roof of the car. A decaying hand was twisted around your ankle, pulling you. You screamed, flailing around trying the kick the walker off, but its grip was too strong. You felt something crack in your ankle, pain shooting all through your leg.  
_FUUCCCKKK!!!_  
This is it. You were sure. You’d done well. You’d survived the whole beginning of the apocalypse, survived out your whole family, but now you were on your own, now your time had come, but you weren’t going to go willingly. You continued to kick, trying to free yourself despite the pain. Just then, another walker grabbed your arm, gripping tightly, trying to force your arm into its mouth. You screamed, more out of anger than terror. How could you have been so stupid to lose your balance, loose concentration. You closed your eyes, ready to give up…  
The shots rang out loud, drowning out the groans of the dead. You felt the grip on your arm loosen and you pulled your arm back to your chest. Another shot and your foot was free. You sat up, searching for the source, and then you saw them. A black pickup truck, 4 men, guns all drawn. Your eyes locked onto the one in the middle. He was taller than the rest, his black hair slicked back, his beard perfectly formed around his mouth. He wore a leather jacket, white t-shirt, and hanging at his side you saw it. You couldn’t make it out properly at first, but when he saw you looking he held it in the air and waved it at you, a huge smile spread across his face. It was a bat, the same as yours, only different. You couldn’t make out what it was, but it had something around it, something glistening in the sun. You weren’t waiting around to find out. There was a gap in the walkers surrounding you, you took your chance. You rolled off the car roof, landing on one of the dead surround you. Your hand when straight into its skull, blood and bits of decaying brain covered your hand. You didn’t have time to be squeamish. You grabbed your bat and forced yourself up. Pain was searing through your leg, you were sure your ankle was broken, but you had to get away. You’d come across men like this before and you weren’t prepared to go back there. Not now, not ever. You pushed your way through the last few walkers, trying to run, but all your legs could do was stumble forward, you fell again. It was continuous. You got up, took a few steps, fell, got back up, stumbled a bit more and fell. The walkers were closing in on you again. You stood up, holding your bat out, ready to take out the first dead fucker that tried to lay hands on you. You heard a groan behind you and swung. Your bat came crashing down on another walker, blood splattering up your top and face. Another tried, and you put it down again, without hesitation. Then you heard a crack behind you. You spun round and came face to face with him. You’d been so consumed trying to fight off these few walkers you’d not even heard the guns sounding off and walkers dropping all around you. You couldn’t help but stare at him. His hair was perfect. Not a single hair stood out of place. His dark brown eyes bore into you. That stupid smile still plastered across his face. After a second you snapped back to reality. _I’m am not doing this again,_ and with that single thought you swung your bat as hard as you could at this strange man. You gasped and let go of the bat. He’d caught it. Right as you’d gone to bring it down on his skull, he had caught it. He laughed. You’d not heard anyone laugh like that for months.  
“Holy fucking shit. Did you just try and fucking kill me?” He spoke with, what was that? Amusement? Did he think this was funny?  
“Go fuck yourself”, you backed away from him, the pain still resonating from your ankle.  
“Hey doll, I think a fucking thank you is in order. I just saved your mother fucking ass from becoming biter food”, his eyes darkened, the smile was still there though.  
“Yeah sure, I thank you and then what? You gonna take me back to yours, hold me fucking captive, I don’t fucking think so, give me my fucking bat”, you reached for it but the pain was too much as you leant forward and you collapsed on your knees infront of him. He knelt down in front of you, your bat in one hand, his in the other. You could see it more clearly now. Wire. Barbed wire. Blood and brains clung to it, glistening in the late afternoon sun. He spoke to you in almost a whisper.  
“Now doll, I don’t know what’s happened to you out here, but I can assure you, I don’t hurt women. Not fucking willingly anyway. So how about you stop playing hard ass and tell me your fucking name.”  
“Fuck you”, you spat at him, and you saw the smile disappear from his face, his eyes darken. You felt his gloved hand grasp around your face, pulling you closer towards him. You closed your eyes tight so you didn’t have to look at him. These walkers hadn’t killed you, but you were pretty sure he was going to after that. You didn’t care. You’ve got nothing left to live for now, nothing left to fight for. You’ve been on your own for weeks now. Was it weeks? Or months? You couldn’t remember. You lost track of how many nights it had been since you’d bought your bat crashing down on your sister’s skull. After that, after she turned, you’d been on your own, and now you weren’t really bothered whether you lived or died.  
“Alright doll, you had your chance”, he stood up and turned to the other men who had gathered behind him, “get her in the fucking truck. She’s coming back with us.”  
You tried to scramble away but there was never any way you were going to outrun them. Two men grabbed you and hauled you up. You felt something tight snap around your wrist. You’d never forget the feel of that zip tie, tight and cutting into your wrists. You refused to cry out, refused to beg for them to let you go. They shoved you into the back of the truck, one either side of you holding you in place. You didn’t know where you were going, but you hoped and prayed that when you got there, they would kill you.  
The car journey was long and bumpy. Each bump sent the pain searing up your leg once more and you couldn’t help but screw your face up in pain. You refused to make a sound, refused to show these men how weak you were really feeling. You lost track of how long you’d been in the car, but you were sure you’d passed out several times from the pain. You awoke again when one of the men nudged you, you sat yourself up, trying to get a look out the window when you saw it. A huge factory, surrounded by several other little buildings. It looked completely deserted. The man in the front, the one who had spoken to you turned around and smiled at you.  
“Welcome to The Sanctuary. It’s not much now, but we’re working on it. Hope you like your new home”, he winked at you and turned back to face the front.  
The car pulled up in front of the biggest building and the men piled out of the car, dragging you out too. As soon as your foot touched the hard ground you collapsed again, this time your whole body hiding the cold ground, your hands still tied behind you back.  
“Fuck sake, come on guys, she’s fucking hurt, she aint going nowhere, cut the ties”, and with that, the man who had sat to your right, the one with the moustache, slide his blade between your wrists and you felt instant relief as the zip ties dropped to the floor. You sat yourself up and rubbed your wrists, looking around the compound. He was right, it wasn’t much. There were 3 small buildings, and then the biggest one stood infront of you. There was a fence all the way around, but nothing to really stop the walkers coming in, nothing but the gate one of the men was chaining up. Suddenly you felt yourself being scooped up. You turned to look at him and once again you were met with that smile.  
“Come on doll, we’re gonna get you patched you, and then I’ll give you the grand fucking tour”, he picked you up completely, you didn’t feel him struggle once. You just stayed there in his arms, you put your arm around his neck to steady yourself. Maybe he wasn’t what you thought. So far he hadn’t hurt you, he hadn’t tried anything with you and right now he was taking you to get fixed up.  
“I’m Y/N”  
“Well fuck me, thought you were never gonna tell me your name. Hi Y/N. I’m Negan”, he winked at you and took you into the biggest building. You weren’t sure if this was gonna be a good or a bad thing, but you had nothing left to loose.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Negan takes the reader to get fixed up and then offers her a choice, but which one will she choose?

"Well, the good news is I don't think it's broken, just a very bad sprain," Doctor Carson said with a smile, "just take it easy, I'm prescribing you rest for the next week and then just be careful after that, no strenuous activities. Negan, please keep this girl off her feet."  
You looked at Negan and caught him wink at you and flash you that big smile again. "Absolutely no fucking problem. I think Y/N here is gonna be sticking with us for a while."  
"Good, glad to hear it, we could use some new blood around here, and I'm sure this young 'un will be running circles round you all, won't you Y/N?" The doctor laughed and you gave a sheepish smile back. Negan scooped you up in his arms again and began to walk through the different halls. You couldn't really focus on much. It was just door after door, corridor after corridor, until you reached a huge black door at the end of a corridor. Negan pushed the door open and you scanned the room, taking in your surroundings. It wasn't much, there was a double bed, a sofa, a table. It was nothing spectacular but it was definitely better than the harsh forest floor you'd become accustomed to sleeping on. Negan placed you on the bed and begin scooping up pillows, placing them under your swollen ankle. He sat on the edge of the bed by your foot, gently rubbing your leg.  
“So Y/N, I think we need to have a little chat.”  
Your eyes shot up to him. You knew this was too good to be true. No one in this world gave stuff away for free. This man had rescued you from walkers, bought you back to his camp and patched your leg up, of course he wanted something in return.  
“What do you want?” you asked, not wanting to beat around the bush.  
“Well, I want a lot of fucking things,” he gave you a cheeky wink again, “but at this moment in time, I want you.”  
You felt your heart sink into your stomach, panic rising in your body, the colour draining from your face. Negan obviously sensed the panic starting to rise in you and grabbed your hand.  
“No, no sweetheart! Not in that way, though you couldn’t blame a man for trying,” he gave a little laugh, not completely innocent, you could sense the truth in his voice. “No, I want you. I want you to work for me. I mean, what are you, 24, 26 tops?”  
“I’m 20," you interrupted. It still felt strange that you were officially still in your teens. You’d experienced life way beyond your years after the outbreak.  
“Well fuck me. Fucking 20? You’re even more of a bad ass that I thought. Jesus fucking Christ. 20? I ain’t come across a 20 year old that wasn’t fucking dead or close to it.”  
You gave him a smile. It was the only thing you could do. You knew all your friends would be dead. Hell, half your block were walkers before the end of the first week. You’d survived because you had to. Now your whole family was dead there wasn’t much to live for.  
“Whether you like it or not, you’re staying here for the week anyway. You ain’t gonna be going no-fucking-where with your leg that busted up unless you wanna be some walker lunch. I’m gonna give you 2 options, and I’d think yourself lucky cuz I’m very fucking particular about who I let in here. So Y/N, option 1: after the weeks up, I let you go. I’ll give you your bat back and you can be on your merry fucking little way. Not sure how long you’d last out there though. I mean, you’re fucking tough but I still had to save you today,” you see that smug smile on his face, but you know he’s right. You would have died today if it wasn’t for him. “Or option 2, and this is one I really fucking like. You work for me. Like Simon and the others. You look after me and I’ll look after you. We find some awesome fucking shit and that shit could be yours, but only if you stay. You’ll have your own room here, guns, food, hell, we even got mother fucking hot water. Bet you could use a shower,” he got up and walked towards a chest of draws. He pulled out a towel and threw it at you, laughing. You caught it and a smile instantly erupted on your face. It was soft, so so soft, and it smelt clean. You couldn’t help inhaling it, sighing as you did.  
“If I stay, you gonna leave me alone? I don’t want to be another toy for you to pass round your men.” You gave him a stern look. You weren’t afraid, you knew you had nothing left to lose. If he was gonna kill you, you’d rather just get it over and done with. Laughter filled the room.  
“Jesus fucking Christ doll! Even in this state you still got your game head on. I swear doll, none of my men will even speak to you if I don’t give them the fucking say so. You stay, you fight beside us, you protect me and you can have whatever the fuck you want. I got big plans for this place, and with your little firecracker ass at my side, no one is gonna fuck with us. And I promise, none of my men will touch you….unless you ask,” he slapped the top of your thigh. You let a smile spread across your face.  
“Well, how about we start with that shower, and I’ll decide from there.” You pulled your leg away from him and swing them off the bed.  
“Fair play. You know what you fucking want. I’ll get it running for you, come on,” he hooked his arm under your shoulders and helped you up. The pain was still there but was nothing as bad as it was. The doctor had given you some painkillers, nothing amazing, but at least they took the edge off a bit. Negan helped you through another door, into an adjoining bathroom. You leant on the sink as Negan started the shower up for you. It was only a bathroom, but you’d not seen one in this good condition since the outbreak. Everything was clean, nothing was broken and you could smell the steam rising out of the shower. You weren’t waiting any longer. You’d not had a hot shower for months, you were used to dipping in a steam, a quick wash down with a baby wipe. You pulled your top up over your head and threw it to the ground. Next you started on your jeans, unbuttoning them and trying to slide them down. You got to your knees and then you struggled. You let out a little whimper as you caught your ankle. Negan turned around and dropped to his knees in front of you.  
“Fucking hell doll, you don’t mess around do you? Come here,” you stood back up and let him help your feet out of your jeans. “You need help with anything else?” He was right up against you, you could feel his breath of your face. His hand resting on your hip, a finger on the inside of the waistband of your knickers. You could feel heat rising in you. He was so much taller than you, he made you feel small, like a child. You turned your head up to look him in the eyes. Those dark, lust-filled eyes. You immediately felt yourself start to shake. You weren’t the easiest to scare, but this man, this close, was sending shockwaves through your body. You snapped back to reality when you felt his body inch closer to yours. You gave him a hard shove away.  
“I can manage the fucking rest myself. Don’t need some old guy helping to get my panties off,” you gave him a sarcastic smile.  
“Ouch! Old guy? Really? That hurts,” He holds his hands over his heart, mocking you, laughing as he stumbles back.  
“You look old enough to be my dad. Sorry I’m not into fucking strangers, now will you get out?” You crossed your arms, waiting for him to leave. He gives a chuckle and walks back up to you, placing his hand on your cheek.  
“Hey doll, you can call me daddy if you want,” he winks at you and starts towards the door, “I’ll be in here if you need me. Try not to slip, I know how wet it can get in there.” You hear him laughing again as he shuts the door. Urgh, men. Even in the apocalypse they still haven’t changed. You slid your underwear off and stepped in the shower. _Oh my god, it really is warm water!_ You couldn’t contain the joy you felt and let out a little laugh. You let the past few months wash away under that water. All the dirt, the grime, the death. For the first time since the outbreak, you felt happy. You didn’t know if it was the warm water or the painkillers you had taken, but you suddenly felt at ease. You don’t know how long you stood in that shower, but you were disturbed when there was a knock on the door. You turned the shower off, and covered yourself in the towel. You shouted come in, not sure who it was that would be entering.  
“Hey sorry, Negan told me to bring you these, didn’t want to barge in, didn’t know if you’d be decent or not,” he laughs. He’s smaller than Negan, a moustache covers his lip. He hands over a t-shirt and some jeans. “I’m sorry if they don’t fit, they’re the best we’ve got at the minute. Didn’t think we’d be having such good company,” he smiles at you and you smile back.  
“Thanks. I’m Y/N.” You hold out your hand to him. He takes it, nodding.  
“I’m Simon. I think you’re gonna fit in great around here. Well I’ll leave you to it.” He turns and leaves you to get dressed. It took you longer than you’d hoped and when you exited the bathroom you realised Negan wasn’t there. After today’s events you were too exhausted to go looking for him, and the pain in your ankle was starting to flare again. You went over to the bed and laid down, pulling the sheets over you and resting your foot on the pillow tower Negan had made. For the first time in months, you closed your eyes and you fell straight to sleep. Whether you wanted to or not, you knew which decision you had to make. You just had to tell Negan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Second chapter! Not as brilliant as the first but hey ho, I'll keep going!


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How Negan's many wives came to be...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A little flash back on this one :) enjoy

Time had flown by since you agreed to stay with Negan. He’d kept his promise, he’d been good to you. You had your own room, next to Negan’s. You shared his bathroom. He kept you stocked up with clothes, food, guns. He even gave you your baseball bat back, with a few extra additions (the end was now covered in nails). He called it Lucille’s little sister. You’d got use to him treating his trusted bat like an actual person, giving it a name, setting it down on the chair instead of the floor. His little quirks you had gotten used to. In return, you did what you promised to do. You protected him. Everyone knew you were a bullseye with your gun, knives were no match for you either. They even started calling you Black Widow. You could kill anything, and anyone. All you needed was Negan's say so. You had become good friends with Negan and Simon, spending at least one night a week with them, drinking, talking, playing pool. You had watched The Sanctuary grow 10 fold since you arrived. There were at least 40 people living here now. And as you’d watched The Sanctuary grow, you’d also watched Negan and his ridiculous collection of wives grow. You remember the first one so clearly. You’d been with the Saviors a year when it happened...

\----FLASHBACK 3 MONTHS----

You caught the two of them trying to steal from the armoury. Negan didn’t give it a second thought and bought Lucille crashing down on the guy’s head in front of everyone. You can’t remember his name. You couldn’t remember many peoples names around here, only those you regularly spoke to. The crowd had gasped, people cried out. You were used to it now. You knew Negan didn’t take shit from anyone, especially not people who stole from him. You couldn’t help but think that the woman was pathetic. She was a snivelling mess, tears streaming down her face, she was shaking all over, you couldn’t make out what she was saying between her sobs. _For fuck sake, if you’re gonna steal at least own up to it,_ you rolled your eyes. Negan lifted his bat above his head and the woman screamed, diving at him, clutching at his white t-shirt. You’d jumped forward, grabbing the woman by the hair, your knife at her neck, ready to cut as soon as Negan gave the go ahead. She begged and pleaded with Negan, you sighed as you saw him giving in. You let her go and walked away, hooking your knife back onto your belt. That night you didn't get any sleep. All you could hear were her moans echoing through into your room, her shouting Negan's name. You weren't sure how long it lasted, only that the next morning you looked and felt like crap. 

You were in the bathroom getting ready when Negan strolled in, that smug smile spread across his face. You rolled your eyes and carried on washing your face.  
"Good fucking morning doll," you jumped a mile when he slapped your ass, covered just by the thin fabric on your knickers. You turned round and slapped his hand away.  
"Fuck off Negan. You wanna do that? Fuck off back to that whore in your room," you turned back and splashed your face with water.  
"Oooh someones touchy this morning," you felt his body press against you, an arm each side of the sink, trapping you. You turned to face him, glaring at him. You'd never admit it to him, but you liked Negan in the mornings. When you first joined The Saviors, when your ankle was healing, you'd spent 2 weeks in Negan's room, waking up every morning to him. He was never perfect in the morning. His hair wasn't its usual slicked back self, it was a mess, his eyes were softer, you could always smell the mixture of sweat and cologne on him. He never wore a top in the mornings. You'd got used to the sight of Negan in just his boxers. Growing up with 3 brothers, it was nothing you hadn't seen before. But whenever he got this close to you, you couldn't deny the static that passed between you.  
"Negan, you'd be the same if you'd been up all night listening to that banshee. What is she even doing here? You didn't think twice about bashing that other fuckers head in. She tried to fucking steal from us! She tried to steal our fucking guns and you reward her by fucking her all night!" You were so close to his face your noses were practically touching. You could feel his breath on you, warm against your cold skin. He dropped his head and laughed.  
"Jealous?"  
"Oh please Negan. You are the last person I would fuck around here," you put your hand against his bare chest to put some distance between you, "and like I've told you before, I don't do old men," and with that you shoved him back hard. He laughed, smirking at you.  
"Well it's a good job I just gone and got myself a fucking wife then ain't it, cupcake. She fucking begged for my dick, so who was I to say no? Now I got that shit locked down, on tap", he made his way back over to you, again blocking you against the sink. He was closer this time, his leg forcing your legs apart. You could feel heat rising in you. He brushes a piece of you hair behind your ear and stares at you, deep into your eyes.  
"You know you're my favourite here. Hell, you've saved my life more times than I can remember. But I can't have my best girl falling in love with me can I? Fucking hell doll, you already get me rock fucking solid swanning around in those panties all the time," he wasn't lying. You could feel his hard cock pressing against your stomach. He bent his head down, you could feel his breath on your neck. "If you wanted to be my wife all you gotta do is ask," and he nips at your neck. The sensation makes you jump back to reality. You shove him as hard as you can grab your stuff and walk out.  
"I'd rather be dead", you call as you slam the door shut. You knew when Negan got an idea in his head there was no changing it, and that's how Negan's harem of wives started.

 

\----BACK TO PRESENT DAY----  
You stood leaning on the fence with Dwight. You felt sorry for him, not that that's the reason why you hung out with him a load. His wife Sherry was now one of Negan's wives. They'd stolen insulin for his sister-in-law and took off. Didn't take long before you'd caught them and they were dragged back. Sherry gave herself up to Negan in the hopes it would save Dwight. Well, it didn't, he still got ironed, but now he was up there at the top, with you and Simon. You weren't really talking about anything, just idol chitchat.  
"Hey, you'll never guess what," you nudge Dwight playfully.  
"What?" He smiled and turned to face you.  
"I'm pretty sure it's my birthday today. I mean, I think it is, kinda lost track a bit, but yeah 90% sure it's today. Officially 21. Not that it makes a difference." You half laugh. Before the apocalypse you would have planned this day for months, now, you were just casually mentioning it to make small talk. Dwight took you by surprise when he leaned over and kissed your cheek.  
"Well, happy birthday. Forget you're still a baby. Officially a grown up now," he laughs again. You both return to looking out over the compound. It was lunch soon and then you had the afternoon off, you decided you were just gonna hang out in your room, have some peace and quiet.

You were laid on your bed, reading one of the many books that now lined your walls. Over the past years Negan had really changed this place around. You had a tv, a mini bar, proper sofas, and double bed with real satin sheets. Life had changed so much in the past two years, but you were happy, except for the lack of human touch. You were young but you still longed to be touched again, fucked again how you were before outbreak. A knock at the door interrupted your train of thoughts.  
"Come in", you didn't bother to move off the bed, and instead turned your head to see Negan standing there.  
"Common room, tonight, 8.00pm. Don't be late", and with that he was gone. You furrowed your eyebrows. You weren't expecting a meeting, not unless you'd missed it, but that wouldn't happen, you were always the first to know of any meetings. You laid there for another good 20 minutes, thinking about what could be going off. You just shrugged it off and jumped in the shower. At least you'd be clean for whatever was going down.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You come to the common room to find your surprise birthday party, but you've never been fond of birthday parties, and this one will be no different

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A little bit of smut here >.< the first of many!

You stood outside the common room. You looked down at yourself and cursed. After your shower you couldn’t be bothered to get dressed again, so you’d thrown on some pyjamas Negan had bought you back from a run. Little black shorts, a size to small but you weren’t bothered. They covered you up enough so that every guy couldn’t get a look in. And a black tank top. You’d left your bra off, hell, after this meeting you were gonna go and jump back in bed so you thought why make the effort? It’s not like any of these men hadn’t seen you in this state before. You regularly sat up in Dwight’s room, Simon’s room, drinking until the early hours of the morning in your pyjamas. Never with Negan though. Now he had his five wives to keep him entertained he never really bothers with any of you at night. You looked down at your tatty converse. _Definitely need to get me some new ones,_ you made a mental note for the next run. You took a deep breath and pushed the door open. You jumped back when you heard Negan shout over everyone.  
“Well, here she fucking is! Miss I’m not gonna fucking tell anyone it’s my mother fucking birthday!” he came and put his arm around you, pulling you into the room. You can smell the whiskey on him. You looked around. There weren’t many here. Simon, Dwight, a few others who you did runs with, the wives. You knew they were only here cuz Negan forced them to be. You didn’t want them there as much as they didn’t want to be there. Simon got up and shoved a glass of whiskey in your hand.  
“Happy birthday baby girl,” he gave you a quick squeeze and you smiled.  
“Thanks Simon, although I don’t think you can get away with calling me baby girl anymore,” you took a sip of the whiskey. It stung the back of your throat but the warm sensation going down made you feel instantly better. You looked around. The music was loud, the wives had descended back on Negan. You’d only ever liked going to parties for two things. The alcohol and the sex and you had a feeling you were only getting one at this party. You sat down on the sofa next to Dwight, making him fill your glass up. You weren’t messing around tonight. It was your birthday and you were gonna make damn sure you didn’t remember it.

Nearly everyone had left. There was only you, Negan, Simon and Dwight left. You lost count of how much you’d drank, but right now you didn’t give a shit. All three of them were sat on different sofas surround the table you’d claimed. Your shoes came off a while ago, you weren’t sure where you’d thrown them. The music was quieter now but in your head it was still booming. You stood on the table, dancing like no one was watching, taking the occasional swig out of the bottle of whiskey perched in your hand. You were in your own world, you felt like the world had never ended. As you danced around on the table you dropped the bottle of whiskey. That bought you a synchronised cheer and laughter erupting from everyone. You didn’t care, you could barely make out who was still sat around you. You were having too much fun, dancing around on that table. The problem was though, when you drank, it made your yearning for something else so much stronger. You decided you weren’t going back to your room alone tonight. You let your hand slide down your leg, then back up, lifting your top up slightly, revealing your stomach. You bite your lip and let out a little laugh. Then you slide your top up even more, lifting it to just below your breasts.  
“Alright, alright, shows fucking over,” Negan was that quick at grabbing you off the table you almost didn’t realise what had happened, “Come on, bed time for you.” He pulled you towards the door.  
“Get your fucking hands off me Negan! It’s my birthday and I’ll fucking do whatever I fucking want to!” You pull your arm away from him and begin walking back to Dwight and Simon.  
“Y/N don’t make me fucking come back over there.”  
You went and straddled Simon, making sure to keep eye contact with Negan. You weren’t a child anymore, and you had never been his child.  
“Negan, just go to bed ok? Or go fuck one of your wives, you know, whatever makes you sleep at night. I am fucking staying here. Bye Negan,” you smiled and gave him a sarcastic wave. You grabbed Simon’s hand and smacked it to your ass.  
“Whoa, boss that was her,” Simon pulls his hands up in the air, making it clear to Negan he isn’t touching you, it’s you doing the touching.  
“Just make sure she fucking gets to bed. I can’t have my top girl walking around the compound in that fucking state like a cheap fucking hooker. Dwight, you go to, we’ve got a run tomorrow.”  
“Yes boss, I’ll take up her.” Simon smiled at you and with that, Negan turned and walked out, Dwight following him a few seconds later.  
Your hands came to rest on Simon’s belt. You’d never found him attractive, at all, but a fucks a fuck and you thought he’d be way easier to get than Dwight. You leant forward, softly nipping his neck. You felt him let out a moan underneath you, his hands gripped at your hips. You knew you had him in the palm of your hand. You were gonna get what you wanted tonight.  
You led Simon back to your room, laughing as you fumbled with the door, trying to unlock it. As soon as you got in you lifted our top over your head. You stood before Simon, topless, waiting for him.  
“Look Y/N I should go. I really don’t want to get on Negan’s bad side.” He turns to leave and you grab his hand, placing it on your heaving breast.  
“Come on Simon. One night. He’s not gonna know. You need this as much as I do. I’m not asking you to fall in love with me. I’m asking you to fuck me. Hard,” you gave him a smile. You knew Simon didn’t want anything to come from this and neither did you. You just needed to get it out of your system. Simon stood there, his mouth slightly parted, and then it was like an electric bolt was sent through him. He started fumbling with his belt, trying to get it undone, your heart was racing now, but you knew this was what you needed. You needed to blow off this steam. You slid down your shorts and panties, so you were standing completely bare infront of Simon. He grabbed you round the waist and pulled you over to your table. He spun you round and pushed you down onto it, bending you over as far as the table would let. You placed your hand either side of your head, letting out small giggles as you heard him pull down his trousers.  
“You sure about this Y/N”, both his hands were resting on your hips.  
You nodded and gave a little moan. You had waited so long for someone to come and give you release and now you were gonna get it. He pushed his way into you. You’d waited years to feel this again. You gave a moan as he pushed his whole length into you. He thrusted you harder and harder, his hand working its way up to your neck, pushing you down and holding you in place. You moaned louder as you felt his handed tighten around your neck.  
“Jesus Y/N! Keep it down. Negan is right next door,” you could hear the worry in his voice.  
“I don’t care, just keep going,” you managed to spit out between each breathy moan.  
You didn’t care if Negan heard you. Why should you? You’d spent years listening to him every night, fucking a different one of his whores in his room. Why shouldn’t you get a release? Negan thought he was so big and powerful, how dare he try and dictate what you should do! The only reason you’d stayed here was because it was secure. If you didn’t want to, you’d never have to set foot outside of The Sanctuary again. All the things you’ve done for Negan, saving him, scavenging for him, protecting The Sanctuary and how does he repay you? By fucking these other women every night, right next to you! You were the first woman here, you saw Negan bare before any of these other women did. It was you he used to help undress for the shower, and you that he wrapped his arm around those cold nights out scavenging, you who he’d stay up late with, drinking whiskey and talking about the time before the outbreak. Who did he think he was to just toss you aside and then demand you do what he said?! You were not a child and you definitely weren’t his child.  
You were pulled out of your momentary dream by Simon squeezing hard on your neck and hip, his weight collapsing down on top of you. You felt something warm, drip down your leg. That was it. It was over. The moment you’d waited months for was over and you’d day dreamed all the way through it. And about Negan of all people! You were so mad with yourself. The realisation of what you’d done sobered you up instantly. Simon pulled way from you and pulled up his trousers. You weren’t even sure how long you’d been daydreaming for. 5 minutes? 10 minutes? Half an hour? You weren’t sure, but Simon seemed pleased with himself so at least that was one plus. You didn’t bother getting dressed. As soon as Simon was out of this room you were going for a shower, to wash away what you had just done. You opened the door for him to leave. He leans in to kiss you and you push your hand against his chest.  
“Just sex, right Simon?” You stared him dead in the eyes. You weren’t down for any lovey dovey business. He knew the deal when he came up here.  
“Right, sorry. Force of habit. See you tomorrow,” and then he was gone. You closed the door and leaned back against it. You weren’t satisfied. If anything, that had just made the whole urge 10 times worse. You didn’t get the relief you wanted, and now you were more sexually frustrated than you’d been in your entire life. You decided a cold shower would at least help ease those feeling a bit. It might actually help you to sleep too.  
The bathroom was cold and it made you shiver. You crept over to Negan’s side to shut the door. You saw him on the bed, chest rising and falling slowly. You were sure he was asleep. You closed the door as quietly as you could and turned to the shower. The water was freezing. Of course. This was the middle of the night, the water needed to be reheated for tomorrow. _Fuck it,_ you stepped in. You’d been in that shower no longer than 30 seconds when you felt someone push you up against the wall.  
“What the fuck, get your fucking hands off me!!” you struggled in their grip and turned round to see that it was Negan. His eyes were completely black, you could still smell the whiskey on his breath. He had one hand pinned next to your head, your other hand was wrapped around his arm, trying to loosen the grip he had on your neck. “Negan what the fuck are you doing!”  
“You think this is funny? That you can fucking take me for a ride? I gave you a home, kept you safe and you repay me my fucking my men!” He practically spat at you. You started to shake. You wasn’t sure if it was the adrenaline rush, the cold water or that you had never seen Negan this angry.  
“Negan, I…I…” your brain struggled to find the words. You suddenly got mind fog from all the whiskey you had drank. You couldn’t seem to string a sentence together. The room felt like it was spinning. Negan was under the shower with you, his wet hair fell in his face. He leaned into you. You could feel every drop of water stinging you like glass. Negan leant close to your ear.  
“I want you in my office, first fucking thing in the morning,” and with that he let you go. You dropped to the floor, coughing as you struggled to catch your breath. He slammed the door shut as he left you in that freezing shower. You were shaking, you couldn’t stop. You wasn’t sure if it was water or tears falling down your face. You had never seen Negan that angry before and now he wanted you in his office.  
You went to bed that night, shaking, cold and wet. If it wasn’t for the alcohol, you were sure you wouldn’t have slept. Luckily for you, you passed out as soon as your head hit that pillow.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You arrive at Negan's office, not sure what to expect, but knowing that he is not a happy man.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Erm...yeah....enjoy! >.

You woke up with a splitting headache that next morning. You could barely lift your head off the pillow and the room was still spinning. You laid there trying to think what had happened. One minute you were in the common room, dancing. The next you were in the shower with Negan’s hands around your throat. You tried hard to remember but you couldn’t. It was all a haze. You sat up slowly on the edge of the bed. Luckily you kept a pack of paracetamol in your drawer. You took them to the bathroom and downed them with some water. Negan’s door was shut. You stared at it for a while, wondering whether to open it, just to see if Negan was there in bed. You didn’t even know what time it was. Then it hit you. _My office, first fucking thing in the morning._ You dropped the cup you were holding and ran into your bedroom. You chucked the first thing you could find on. A grey jersey dress and your trainers. You didn’t have time to brush your hair. If Negan was waiting for you he was gonna be even more pissed than he was last night. You quickly tied your hair back as you ran down the hall to his office. As you neared Negan’s office, you saw Amber, his first wife walk out. She saw you and had a smug look on her face.  
“You are in some serious fucking trouble,” she laughed as she nudged past you with her shoulder.  
You broke out in a cold sweat. Was Negan really pissed at you? You could feel your hand shaking as you lifted it to knock on the door. You stood there, waiting for Negan’s call. You tried to steady your breathing, tried to stop your heart from racing, but it was no good. As soon as you heard his voice you could tell Negan was seriously pissed.  
You pushed the door open, slowly walking in with your head down. It was still pounding and you didn’t dare look at him.  
“Negan, look I can expl…..” You trailed off as you saw him stand up from his chair. Lucille waving in his hand as he walked round the desk towards you.  
“Doll, what have I ever done to you to make you embarrass me like that?” You felt the wind sweep past your legs as Lucille came close to grazing them.  
“What? I don’t…I don’t understand what…” what the hell was wrong with you? You’d never had this problem talking to Negan. But then, you’d never seen Negan this angry, at least, not with you.  
“Don’t fucking play dumb with me Y/N. I’m gonna give you one fucking chance, one last mother fucking chance to explain.”  
“Negan, I just…look…it was my birthday and I…I…” He slammed Lucille on the desk, making you take a step back and cower a little.  
“Put your fucking hands on the desk,” he was right behind you. You turned to look at him, confusion spread across your face. “Do not make me fucking ask twice.”  
You leant forward and placed both your hands on the desk, you hung your head down. You had no idea what he was going to do to you. You’d never been on his bad side before. At least not this bad. You felt Negan’s gloved hand start to pull your dress up. Panic spread through your body.  
“Negan, what are you..”  
“Shut the fuck up and face forward.”  
You did as you were told. As the cold air hit your upper thighs you suddenly remembered. _All of the fucking days, why did I forget to put my underwear on!_ You put it down to your mad panic to get down here. You weren’t expecting that Negan would have you bent over his desk, lifting your dress further up until your bare bum was exposed.  
“Now Y/N, you’ve been a very fucking naughty girl. I’ll let you half off, seeing as it was your birthday and you clearly can’t fucking handle your drink. But..” He was right beside your ear. You could still smell the whiskey on his breath. Clearly you weren’t the only one who’d had too much to drink last night. “Fucking one of my men? My best man. My fucking right hand mother fucking man. Hell fucking no.” You heard him fumbling with something. You turned your head and saw him taking off his belt. You immediately shot up.  
“Negan, no! You can’t do this!” You backed towards to table, the belt wrapped around his hand, tears pricked your eyes. “Please Negan, you promised me you’d never touch me.”  
“Who said I was gonna touch you?” He slowly walked towards you. “You’ve been a bad girl. Now lift your dress and put your fucking hands on the table.”  
You slowly turned again and put your hands on the table.  
“Lift your fucking dress.”  
You slowly pulled it up again so that your bum was showing. Your heart was in your throat and your hands were shaking.  
“Now, because you’ve been such a bad girl, I think 10 should put you back in your fucking place.”  
You turned your head, confused.  
“You’re gonna spank me? Like a child?”  
“Well, you want to fucking act like one, who am I to deny you that? But you’ll fucking get punished like one. You’re gonna wish you fucking wore those panties today darling. Now start fucking counting.”  
With that he bought his belt down hard on your bare backside. You felt the tears sting your eyes. You refused to scream. You weren’t gonna give him that satisfaction. He was stubborn, but you could be worse. You kept your mouth shut tight.  
“I don’t hear you fucking counting doll,” and with that another hit. You tensed as the pain spread through your bare skin.  
“We’ll keep going until you start counting,” and then another. You could feel the stinging spreading all across you bum.  
“I am not a fucking child,” you managed to spit out through grated teeth. Another hit. And the another. And another. One after another.  
“ONE!! One!! Negan, please, one!” you couldn’t hold back any longer. The pain on your backside was unbearable.  
“Good girl. Only 9 more left. It’ll be over soon doll.” And he bought the belt down again.  
“Two!” The tears had finally met their barrier and began to fall down your cheeks.  
“Three…Four…Five”  
“Good girl, we’re half way there now. This would have been over a lot fucking sooner if you weren’t so stuborn.”  
“Six…..seven…” Negan was right. At least if you had your underwear on it might have subdued the pain a little.  
“Eight…Nine…” Negan leant down behind you. You could feel his weight on your back, his jeans rubbing again the sore skin on your naked bum. He whispered in your ear…  
“Now doll, before this last one I need to know that you’ve learnt your lesson, so…” You fought back heard to stop the tears streaming down your face.  
“I won’t sleep with your men Negan, I’m sorry. I’m really sorry.” You hear him sigh…  
“And?” You turned your head to look at him, confused by what else he could possibly want.  
“For fuck sake doll, you are my girl. My top girl. My right hand girl. Hell, if I don’t let these fuckers touch my wives, why the hell would they be allowed anywhere near you…”, you felt his hand move over your sore skin, moving lower between your thighs. You jolted when you realised where he was going.  
“Negan”  
“Say it,” his hand paused there, waiting for you.  
“I’m yours. I’m yours Negan. But…”  
“But?”  
“I’m not one of your wives. I never have been and I never will be. I’m just…I’m just your right hand woman.”  
“Well, as much as I’d love for you to be one of my wives, we’ve been beating around this bush for two fucking years. So I’ll fucking settle…for now,” and with that final word he bought the belt down on you again. You sighed in relief. Your head resting on the desk.  
“Ten…” You were out of breath, your face wet from the tears. Your body shaking from the pain. Negan came round the desk and sat down in his chair. He rested his feet on the desk next to your head.  
“Well now we got that fucking cleared up, you can go and get yourself fucking ready. We’ve got a run to get to.”  
“What about…” before you could finish, he cut you off. He knew. Of course he knew. He knew everything.  
“Simon? Oh don’t worry about him. Simon’s a good man. Nothings gonna happen to him. After all, it was you that led him on right?” You nodded. “Right then, let’s not talk about it anymore. Go and get cleaned up, and send one of my wives here on your way back. Seeing as your bare ass has got me all worked up. I can’t go out on a fucking run like this, I’m harder than a fucking diamond cutter.”  
You felt yourself recoil in disgust. _Fucking vile pervert,_ you pulled your dress down and walked to the door.  
“And Y/N,” you turned to look at him, “Next time you’re feeling like that, you come knock on my door.” He winked at you and you quickly walked out the door, tears threatening to run down your cheeks again. You’d never let him see you this weak and now you were stood outside his office crying. You could feel hot liquid slowly making its way down the backs of your thighs. Blood. You needed to get back to you room. You quickly stopped by the wives’ room to tell one of them to go to Negan. You didn’t care who and you ran back to your room, not bothering to see which lucky lady it was. You ran straight to the shower and chucked your dress on the floor. You could see the back had already began to stain with your blood. The water stung as it hit each mark on your bum. You could see the reflection in the mirror. You were red raw. How could he fucking treat you like this? You saw the bruises around your neck. Had you walked into his office like that? Had you spoken to the wives with these fresh fingerprint bruises on your neck? Your sadness quickly turned to anger. There was so much you wanted to say to him, but you decided to leave it until the run, when you weren’t in the comfort of his office. When he would be vulnerable.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Your anger at Negan finally comes to a boiling point. How will he react when his number one blows off at him?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahh, little bit all over the place this one! Been writing it at work so been in and out of it all day lol hopefully you enjoy it!

You stared into your drawer. You placed your hand on your bum and winced. There was no way you could go on this run in your normal get up of jeans. There was no way you could run them over your bum, even your hand was too much. The tears filled your eyes again, but they weren't of sadness. It was anger. Pure anger. _How could he do that to me?? He said it himself, I am his favourite girl._ You blinked the tears away. If he thought you were just gonna leave this and let it slide, he was so so wrong. You chucked on some green shorts instead, at least the fabric was more forgiving, and got ready to leave when you caught sight of your neck again. Your neck was covered by angry purple bruises. You brought your hand up to your neck, softly tracing the marks. The bruises. The fingerprints. Negan's fingerprints. Your memory was still pretty hazy from the night before and you weren't sure that he'd even held you that hard. Maybe you just bruised easily. _Stop it Y/N! Stop making excuses for him. He laid his hands on you. He told you he would never hurt you and he did. Badly._ You pulled your hair out of the ponytail, trying to at least hide a few of the bruises. It wasn't any good. They were still noticeable. You walked over to your dresser, rummaging in the draw, when you found an old bottle of foundation. You'd saved it from when you first came to The Sanctuary, when you still cared somewhat how you looked. You dabbed a bit on the bruises, hoping that you'd be able to cover them enough so that no one noticed. As you were applying it, there was a knock at your door. You quickly shoved the foundation in the drawer and shouted for them to come in. Dwight stood there in the door way.  
"You ready to go?"  
"Yeah, I'm all set", you grabbed your leather jacket and rucksack and made you way to the Dwight.  
"I take it your heads not too sore today? Did you have a good night?", Dwight smiled at you and you forced yourself to smile back at him.  
"Yeah, it was good...just a little sore now," you really didn't want to talk about last night at all, though of all people, Dwight was the only one you felt you could trust with it. He laughed again.  
"Well, at least you're still standing," and with that you both walked down to the gates to meet Negan and the others.

Your heart pounded as you saw his shape forming infront of you. You saw Simon stood next to him. You could see they were talking, but you couldn't make out what exactly they were saying. Negan was swinging Lucille around, you could see it coming within inches of Simon. You hoped and you prayed that Negan had left Simon alone. You didn't love Simon but you cared about him, a lot. He was one of the few friends you'd made here and you couldn't live with yourself if anything bad happened to him, especially if it was because of you. You became more nervous the closer you got to them. You breathed a sigh of relief when you heard them both laugh. You were sure Negan hadn't said anything to him, or if he had, Simon was good at hiding it. As you and Dwight approached them Negan spun round to face you, smiling and swinging Lucille around in front of him.  
"Well good fucking morning campers! Ready to go get us some fucking shit?" He bought his hand down hard on your ass. You jumped and let out a small cry and the pain you'd been trying to ignore spread again across your bum. Simon stared at you, furrowing his eyebrows.  
"Morning Y/N, you okay?" You were sure Negan hadn't said anything to him. He wouldn't have been so casual around you if he had.  
"Yeah I'm fine, just a bit sore from dancing last night, thats all." He stared at you. For a second you felt like he could see right through your lies. Negan stood watching you both, smiling, arms folded across his chest.  
"Well as much as I love to listen to you to fucking..," he winked at you. You felt bile rising in your throat, "talking, we have shit to do. Doll face, you're riding with me, everyone else with Simon."  
You felt sick at the thought of being anywhere near this man, let alone being stuck in a car alone with him. You really didn't want to be alone with him. You could feel your stomach doing turns, flipping over and over again, but it wasn't fear. It was nerves. You were sick of Negan treating you like a child, and you were gonna let him know just how sick of it you were. Your grip tightened on your rucksack as you watched everyone pile into Simon's truck.  
"Don't worry, you'll fucking see lover boy when we get there, now fucking get in the car unless you need another telling off," Negan banged Lucille on the roof of the car. You shot daggers at him. _What if someone had heard him say that? Oh fuck, I'm gonna be so screwed,_ but luckily, as you looked over at them, they were all climbing in the truck. You stomped over to Negan's truck, threw your bag in and climbed in yourself, slamming the door hard. You couldn’t bring yourself to talk to him yet. The anger was already threatening to spill over and you knew you had to wait until you two were alone.

You weren’t sure how long Negan had been driving. Just that it had been a very quiet journey. You had your feet resting on the dashboard, your head slumped against your hand, leaning on the window, staring out at the passing trees. Negan hadn’t spoke to you since you got in the car, he’d just stared straight ahead, occasionally rubbing his temples. Obviously, you weren’t the only one suffering from last night. Negan hit a bump in the road and you bolted upright, gripping tight on the seat. As soon as you’d forget about the pain something would send it back into overdrive. Negan glanced over at you.  
“Sore?” You didn’t bother looking at him. He knew full well what the answer was.  
“Fuck you.” The anger was starting to spill out, your voice was shaking as you spoke to him. He let out a small laugh.  
“Fucking Jesus doll, you really gonna give me the fifth degree?” he looked over at you again but you were staring hard out of the window, “Fine, you wanna play this fucking game?” He grabbed the radio from the dashboard and radioed over to Simon, “We’re taking a detour. Go get the shit and we will see you back at Sancutary. You’re in charge Simon, no fucking mercy,” and with that he put his foot down and pulled away from the other cars. You stared at them as the road you were going down split into two, you and Negan going one way and the others fading into the distance.

You weren’t sure how much longer Negan drove, but eventually he pulled up outside of a drug store. You look around confused.  
“Wait here,” before you could protest, he was already gone. You sat there, tapping your foot on the dashboard. You didn’t know what he was up to, normally he would have told you what was going down, but not this time. By the looks of it, you were pretty sure this drug store had already been raided half a dozen times. You saw Negan emerge from the store, blood splattered up his crisp white t-shirt. Lucille was covered in blood and brains, sitting on his shoulder. He had a smug look on his face, and you saw in his other hand he was carrying a bag. He climbed back in the truck and chucked the bag at you. You opened it and started to rummage through it. _Are you fucking kidding me?_ Bottles of perfume, make up, hair products. _He fucking bought me all the way out here for this shit._ You throw the bag back at him. He had pulled you away from the supply run to go beauty shopping for his wives. You couldn’t hold the anger in anymore.  
“Are you fucking serious? You bought me all the way out here for fucking perfume?” Your hands were shaking. You could feel the tears welling in your eyes again and your words shaking with anger. Negan smiled, starting the car up and pulling off hard, making you jerk backwards in your chair.  
“Fucking talk to me you piece of fucking shit! Who do you think you are?! You drag me all this way and now you’re gonna sit there and fucking ignore me!” before you could control yourself you’d leant across and gave Negan a sharp punch in his arm. You saw the smile dissipate immediately. He slammed the breaks on, sending you crashing into the dashboard, your arm taking the full force. Negan quickly leaned over to you, grabbing your face with his leather gloved hand. His eyes had turned pure black, it was like staring into the abyss.  
“I think you forget who you are fucking talking to doll.” You push his hand away.  
“Look around Negan!! There’s fucking no one here apart from you and me! You are not a fucking god! I know you like to think it, you get some sick kind of rush from these women throwing themselves at your feet, from everyone kneeling down to you, but you’re still just a man! You’re nothing more!” You could feel the tears streaming from your eyes. The adrenaline rush had you shaking all over. You’d never spoken to Negan like that, ever. You tensed yourself up, ready to feel Lucille come crashing down on your head. Instead you felt Negan’s hands either side of your face, his lips crashing into yours. It was hard and rough. You didn’t realise what was happening for a second, and you sat there frozen. Reality came crashing down on you and you pushed him off, bringing your knees up between you.  
“Take me back. Right now.” You were so angry, your voice came across as calm. You sat straight up as Negan drove back to The Sanctuary. You couldn’t look at him, you didn’t even want to be breathing in the same air as him at that minute. This morning you had been getting punished by Negan, and no he was trying to kiss you. Your head was swimming. You were so angry. You weren’t like the other women. Sure, you could see the appeal with Negan _I suppose he is kind of handsome, in that old man way. His dark brown eyes, his rough beard, tinted with the age of his years. And the way his tattoos hit just the right places, his chest covered in that hair that inched lower and lower, creeping into the edge of his boxers. The way you could always make out the outline of his…WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING?_ You snapped back to reality. You weren’t falling for Negan. He was like a fucking dad to you. A creepy, less loving version of a dad you’d never met. The truck pulled through the gates and before Negan had even stopped it you were out the door, running back to you room. You felt like you couldn’t breathe, that invasion of lips had consumed you and you needed to be rid of it. You ran into the bathroom, splashing your face with the cold water. You pulled down your shorts and lifted then edge of your knickers, staring at yourself in the mirror, reminding yourself of what he had done to you, only that morning. He wasn’t someone to love, he was a monster. A tyrant. So why the fuck did you care about him? Sure, you owed his life to him, but you still had nothing to live for, not since the last of your family had died. Everything became too much. That kiss. That morning. The night before. The nights you had spent drinking with Negan. The times he had washed you and looked after you. This time the tears came hard and fast, pouring down your face. Your whole body shaking with each sob. There was no anger behind these tears. Only sadness and longing for the family you’d lost. You slumped down to the floor, not being able to hold yourself together any longer. You were so consumed in your tears you didn’t realise Negan was stood at his entrance to the bathroom, watching you. A deep look of sadness spread across his face. You didn’t hear him walk up to you, you didn’t fully feel him sit on the floor behind you and wrap his arms around you, embracing you like he’d never held another person before. You couldn’t stop the instant reaction of burying your face into his shirt, making each sob worse as you inhaled him. He kissed the top of your head and just held you there, still and safe…


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The reader finally unleashes her wrath on Negan, but how will he respond?

You’re not sure how long you sat on that cold bathroom floor. Negan never once let go of you. He held you tight, as though he was scared you’d float away if he let go. You hated this man so much but being in his embrace was an odd comfort. Eventually the tears stopped falling but your body still shook with silent sobs.  
“Come on Y/N, talk to me,” he pushed your hair out of your face, his hands softly grazing your cheek. The gesture only made you start sobbing again. You inhaled deeply, surrounding yourself in Negan’s smell. The sweat and cologne smothering you. “Fucking hell doll, speak to me.”  
You finally come back to your senses. Suddenly you feel vile and dirty. He kissed you. He abused you and then he kissed you. Suddenly you could feel the rage burning upwards. You shot up quickly, knocking Negan backwards onto the floor.  
“How fucking dare you?! Who do you think you are? You fucking beat me black and blue, treat me like a fucking child and tear me away from a run? You take me on a bullshit drive for your fucking whores and then, on top of all that fucking shit, you fucking kissed me! I am not your fucking wife Negan! You can’t treat me like this!!” You spin around to look at him but he’s already on top of you, forcing you to back into the sink.  
“I saved your fucking life. You fucking belong to me,” he breath is warm against your face, your eyes meet. You’re not going to back down this time.  
“Well I wish you’d left me to die.” Your words are hard. You stand there like stone, refusing to let the adrenaline break your stone cold exterior. You flinch as Negan’s fist comes pounding into the mirror behind you, glass showering you.  
“Don’t fucking say that,” you stare at him hard. This was one argument he wasn’t going to win.  
“I wish those walkers had tore me limb from limb. Ripped me to shreds. Anything to keep me away from…” You trailed off as you saw a figure standing in the doorway. Negan followed your graze to the door. Simon stood there, staring at you both.  
“What the fuck do you want?” Negan stared at him, his face still inches from yours.  
“Sorry boss, I just…I knocked but no one answered. I heard shouting. Y/N, are you ok?” You couldn’t bring yourself to look at Simon, your head bend down, but you nodded.  
“She’s fucking fine. Now, what was so fucking important that you decided to walk straight fucking in here?” His voice was unforgiving, the anger tainting it.  
“I’m….We…We caught someone stealing,” you could feel Simon’s eyes boring into you, “from the armoury. Thought you should know.”  
Negan sighed, “Shit. Go on, I’ll be right there.” Simon nodded and turned to leave, just before Negan voice stopped him, “Simon. No fucking mercy.”  
“Yes boss,” and with that, Simon was gone. You heard Negan’s door close with a bang. He sighed again, bringing his forehead to rest on yours. You stiffened at the touch. His hand came up to rest on your cheek.  
“If you don’t want to fucking be here doll, you know where the gate is,” and with that he was gone. You sighed in relief at finally being on your own. Your whole body slumped as you finally relax, letting your hard exterior go. You blinked away the tears of relief. _Did I really just do that? Did I really just speak to Negan like that? Fuck._ You splashed cold water on your face, trying to subdue the adrenaline that was rushing through your veins. You didn’t want to die, not really. You were just looking for a way to push Negan’s buttons. _Well it fucking worked_ you though as you felt the stinging on your back, where the showering glass had scratched and cut you. You needed some air, desperately, so you put your shorts back on, grab your jacket and you’re gone.

You weren’t sure how long you’d been sitting on the wall, watching the walkers along the fence. If it wasn’t for Negan, you would be one of them by now. You were so lost in your own thoughts you didn’t feel Dwight come and sit down next to you. He came round when he nudged you, smiling.  
“I said are you ok? I didn’t see you after the run, I was getting worried.” You smile, trying to let him know that everything’s alright, even though inside you’re still raging.  
“I’m fine. I just felt a bit sick. Came back to lie down,” you stared off into the distance. He gave a reassuring nod and sat there with you, watching the walkers snap at thin air, starving.

You weren’t sure how long you sat there in silence with Dwight, only that when he was there it was light and now the blackness was spreading across the compound. You decided to break the silence.  
“How do you do it Dwight?” He looked over at you, a puzzled look on his face.  
“Do what?”  
“Work for him. After everything he’s done to you, your face…Sherry,” You saw him winced at the sound of her name.  
“I don’t have a choice.” You couldn’t see his face now, his head hung low. “I just wanted to her be safe. Protected. I couldn’t give her that. She did this for me. I couldn’t leave. Not without her. At least this way I know she’s still safe…Why are you still here?”  
You didn’t really have an answer. You wanted to pull away from Negan but something always held you here. Some underlying loyalty to him, after he saved you.  
“Safety I guess.” Dwight nodded. “I need to get back. See you later,” and with that, you walked back to your room, the cool night wind stinging your bare legs.

You expected to hear moans as you passed Negan’s room, but there was nothing. You stopped at his door, listening for any signs of movement. Normally at this time of the night, Negan would be well away with one of his wives, their sounds echoing through to your room. Not tonight. You stood there for a few minutes, contemplating in your mind whether to knock. You decided against it. It was probably best to let Negan calm down first before you tried to apologise. If he was with one of his wives you’d only anger him more by disturbing them. As you unlock your door, Amber passes you, doing her most obnoxious laugh.  
“You really pissed him off big time. Good luck getting out of this one chicken.” She shoved past you and carried on down the hallway laughing.  
Once you were inside you chuck your jacket on the chair, slip off your boots and tie your hair up. You check your bruises in the mirror. _Yep, still there._ You still had it in your mind that the other night had been a dream, but every time you caught sight of your reflection you knew it wasn’t. You laid down on your bed and closed your eyes. In your daze, you hadn’t noticed Negan standing at your entrance to the shared bathroom, his eyes never moving from you. You shot up in bed when you heard him clear his throat. How could you have been so stupid to not realise he was standing there the whole time? You were sure you were in for it now. Negan hated when people ignored him.  
“Negan, I’m sorry, I didn’t rea….” He cut you off, shaking his head and holding his hand up. He was smiling. You didn’t know whether to be relieved that he was in a good mood, or terrified that he was about to kill you. You could never read him when he was like this.  
“Come here.”  
You’d never jumped out of bed so quickly. At least if you obeyed him now, he might go a bit easier on you. You followed him into the bathroom. Negan stopped behind you. You could feel his breath on your neck, the sensation sending a chill down your spine. You jump when you felt him place his hands on your hips. You stand there, waiting, not daring to move. You feel him push his thumbs down inside the waistband on your underwear. You grab his hands.  
“Negan..” before you can say anything more he shushes you and starts to slide your shorts and your underwear down. You stand there, still, not sure what to do, not sure what to expect. You hear Negan fumbling with something. You don’t dear look. You don’t want to do anything to upset him, especially while you’re this vulnerable in front of him. You’re sure he’s got a bottle of liquid, but you can’t be sure. _Oh great, he’s gonna fucking pour acid on my wounds. Of course he will after what I did_ , your heart starts pounding in your chest, your mouth goes dry.  
“Now Y/N, this might sting a bit, but I need you to not move.” Panic spread itself throughout our whole body.  
“Wait Negan! I…” Before you could finish, you felt something cold and wet brush across your bum, across the wounds. He was right, it did sting, but nothing too unbearable. You tensed every time Negan caught a bad wound. You realised he was cleaning them. He wasn’t trying to hurt you, at least not this time. Each touch was soft and gentle, it reminded you of when you’d first come to The Sanctuary. Of how Negan had looked after you in those first week, carrying you around, washing you, dressing you. He had taken to that drug store for you, so he could look after you, not just for his wives. You realised you were angry at Negan, but not for the reason you thought. You missed him, that was your real problem. You missed spending time with him, you missed laughing with him, you missed his touch. You were broke from your thoughts by Negan’s voice.  
“So you gonna tell me what earlier was about?” You felt heat rising in your cheeks. You knew you just needed to tell him how you felt but you were so scared he was going to shove you off. You felt the butterflies take flight in your stomach.  
“I miss you.” _Great, well done. Now he’s gonna laugh in my face_.  
“You miss me?” He gave a little laugh, more of a short snap of air out. “Doll, I see you every fucking day. Our rooms are joined for fucks sake. How can you miss me?” You furrowed your brows. He wasn’t understanding.  
“No Negan. I miss you, I miss spending time with you. I miss being with you when it didn’t involve a run or the others. When it was just you and me, when we’d stay up late drinking. When I first came here, it was just us…and now…now…” You sighed. You realised you sounded like a lovesick teenager. Negan’s hand came to rest on your cheek.  
“Now I have my wives. Doll, I thought you wanted no fucking part of that.”  
“I don’t. I just…” _Why am I finding this so hard?_  
“Doll, if you want to spend time with me, grab a drink, whatever, you’ve got to fucking tell me. Hell, you tell me about every other fucking thing. You’re always chewing my fucking ear off about something,” you both laughed in sync. You lifted your head to look at him. You’d forgotten how brown his eyes were when he wasn’t consumed with rage, how soft they were. You felt your heart racing, you were sure Negan could hear it beating. “After all doll, you were the original wife.” You gave hit a sharp punch to the arm.  
“Don’t call me that Negan. Don’t put me down at their level.”  
“Y/N you could never be at their level. You are my first girl. The first fucking woman I let in here. My fucking right hand woman. The fucking deadliest woman I’ve ever fucking met. Fuck, I need you ore than you need me. My wives have nothing on you. Hell, I couldn’t take them outside these gates and trust them to fucking have my back. You’ve saved my ass more times than I can fucking remember,” you felt him edging closer to you his body pressing into you, “I would be nothing without you.” He pressed his lips to yours, his hands gliding up your sides, coming to rest on the lower arch of your back. Before you even knew what you were doing, your hands were draped over Negan’s shoulders, one hand resting on the back of his neck, the other running through his hair. Your whole body vibrated against his touch. You were so lost in the moment you didn’t realise a small moan escaped your lips. Negan laughed, his lips still pressed against yours. He worked his hands down to your thighs, gripping them and then lifting you up. You instantly wrap your legs around his waist. You are so lost in the moment, you don’t realise Negan is carrying you into his room, to his bed. He places you down and climbs on top of you, placing himself between your legs. He kisses away from your lips, softly biting at your jaw line. You feel heat spread through your body. Between each soft bite and kiss, he whispers into your ear.  
“Do you have any idea how long I’ve waited for this? Do you know how much it killed me the other night listening to Simon fuck you? Making you moan. That should have been me.”  
He pins your hands down with his, interlocking his fingers with yours. You were trying to pull yourself out of this, trying to pull away from him, but his touch was electric and it just let you wanting more.  
“Negan…stop…” You were finding it increasingly hard to talk, you felt like a schoolgirl being touched for the first time, “Negan please…I can’t do this.”  
“You could do it with Simon. Would you not rather have the real thing? I heard you in there,” you feel his hand slip under your top, gently squeezing your breast, his fingers running softy over your nipple, “I could make this whole compound hear you.” You couldn’t stop yourself. You slide your hands under his white top, pulling it over his head. You forgot how much you liked seeing Negan without his top on. It was a rarity now he was so busy with his wives. Then it dawned on you.  
“Negan, what about your wives? They’ll be here soon. I can’t do this,” in your protests, he’d lifted your top over your head, yours arms trapped in it’s tangles. You felt Negan’s tongue run over your nipple. He was warm and wet. It was like electric was coursing through your body.  
“They won’t be here for ages yet doll. We’ve got plenty of time,” he winked at you, and then placed his mouth over you breast, giving it a long, slow suck, his teeth gazing your nipple. You let out a soft moan, your hands running through his hair.  
“Negan…I…if this happens….I don’t…I don’t want anything to change…between us. No….no,” you were finding it so hard to get your words out, “Everything…stays the same.” He looked at you smiling. He winked at you, smiling.  
“Doll, I fucking promise,” and with that he sank two fingers into your wetness…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> little bit of smut...just a little bit...a tad ^_^


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Negan finally gets a taste of what he's been wanting, but how will the reader react?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this chapters took a while to get out! Been really busy but hopefully it's worth the wait!

You couldn’t stop the moan that escaped your lips, you gripped tight onto his shoulders, your nails leaving marks as you trailed them down him chest. He sank his fingers into you, harder and deeper with every push. Negan buried his head in your neck, softly nipping and sucking, making you moan with each soft touch. You were completely lost in the moment. It was no use you resisting anymore, your body just wouldn’t let it. Your heart was racing as well as your mind. Negan began to kiss down your neck, over your chest, down your stomach. He leaned up staring at you, pulling his hand away from you. The momentary loss of contact pulled you back down to earth. You laid there, staring at him, his chest rising and falling with each breath, the muscles outlined perfectly in his arms, sweat glistening on his face.

“You sure about this baby girl?” His voice was darker, you could hear the lust tainting it.

“No,” it didn’t matter what you said, you knew you were too far in for him to stop now, and you didn’t want him to stop. The word had absolutely no meaning when your whole body was crying out for him to touch you again.

He laughed, that smug smile spread across his face and he began to kiss his way up your leg. First your ankle, then up your calf. As he worked his way up you could feel the blood rushing in your body, heat sinking down to between your legs. You giggled as he started to make his way up your thigh and then higher, planting a kiss just above your clit. You’d never wanted someone so much in your life, your whole body was aching for him. You felt his tongue slide in between your lips and sink into the wetness. A huge moan escaped your lips. You had never been touched like this. Negan was so soft yet powerful. His hands gripping your thighs, holding you in place. Each flick of his tongue sent shivers straight up your spine. You were writhing under him. Unable to control your body movements any longer, unable to control the noises coming out of your mouth. He licked over you swollen clit, the sensation almost making you climax straight away. You put your hands over your mouth, trying to subdue some of the noise you were making. Negan laughed, mixing between sucking and circling your clit with his tongue. Your legs were starting to shake and you knew you were so close. Right then you heard a knocking at his door. You leant up on you elbows, trying to get a better listen. Did you really just hear someone knock?

“Negan….I….oh my god..” you were on the verge, “Negan, there’s….someone at the door.” Negan looked up to you, and then the door.

“Give me a fucking minute!”

He went straight back down to business, his hand coming up and pushing you back down, his hand coming to rest over your mouth, muffling your moans. You felt it building and building.  
"Oh Negan, don't...don't stop!" You're muffled cries did nothing but make him go faster. You couldn’t think straight at all, and then you felt it. You felt yourself gushing into Negan’s mouth, your whole body arched in a convulsion of pleasure. Your legs locked around Negan’s head. You were breathless, but you felt as ease, relaxed. _Finally_. Negan came back up to your face, pressing his lips against yours, your tongue traced his lips, tasting yourself on him.

“Damn, you really are a fucking naughty girl,” He smiled and winked at you, “Now, I hate to do this, but you need to leave.”

You nodded. You knew exactly who was at that door. Negan pulled his trousers and top back on and went to the door. He stood there for a moment, his hand on the handle until you’d managed to pull your top back on and made sure there was no other trace of you in there. You walked to the bathroom door, giving him one last smile as you went. You sat in the bathroom for a minute, your shaking legs refusing to carry you the whole way to your room. You could hear their voices. Negan. Amber.

“What took you so long Daddy? I was waiting for you.” You face twisted in disgust at the sound of her voice.

“None of your fucking business. Now what the fuck do you want that you had to disturb me?” You could hear the annoyance in his voice.

“It’s…It’s my night Daddy,” _She can obviously hear it too_ , her voice was shaking.

“Let’s get this over and done with,” you laughed to yourself. Negan wasn’t doing anything to hide that he was in a bad mood.

You stood up to walk to your room when you realised you’d left Negan’s door slightly open. _Great, if I don’t shut that she’ll be wailing into my room all night_. You tiptoed over to his door. You went to slowly push the door door when your eyes caught sight of Negan. He had Amber bent over his desk. He hadn’t bothered to undress again, hadn’t even bothered to let her undress. Her head was twisted away from the bathroom door, Negan’s hand holding her head in place. He was thrusting into her hard and fast, her fake moans were echoing throughout. Negan had a seriously pissed off look on his face. You went to shut the door fully when his eyes met yours. They weren’t the soft brown anymore, they were black. That smug smile spread across his face and he winked at you. You rolled your eyes and shut the door. You made your way back to your room, stripping off completely and climbing into bed. You suddenly realised how tired you were, these past few days had really took their toll on you, but for the first night in ages you were going to bed relaxed. _All because of him._

You awoke the next morning to the smell of coffee filling your room. Fresh ground coffee. You inhaled it deeply before you even opened your eyes. _Mmm...where is that smell coming from?_ As you lazily opened your eyes you could see a figure moving around in your room. It took a minute before your eyes adjusted and you recognised that white t-shirt, that salt and pepper beard. Negan. _What the hell is he doing in here?_ Negan hadn't been in your room for months. The sight of him made your heart race, but you still weren't sure why. You slowly sat up in bed, making sure to pull the blanket right up your chest, not wanting Negan to catch a glimpse of anything, not without your say so anyway. He turned around when he heard you moving in the bed.  
"Good fucking morning sunshine. How are you this morning?" He bought over a cup of coffee and placed it into your hands, "Not expecting anymore psychotic breakdowns today are we?" You gave a little laugh, looking down at the cup in your hands.  
"No boss," you took a sip of the coffee, it's warm sensation filling you to the core. You suddenly realised how cold your room felt, the warmth of the coffee spreading through your arms and legs.  
"Good. Can't have you going all fucking psycho on me now, can we?" He walked away from you, planting himself down on your sofa. Not one mention of last night. _Did it really happen?_ You were sure it couldn't have been a dream...or was it? You decided not to mention anything. Whether it was a dream or not, you'd rather forget the whole thing ever happened. He was your boss, you'd been pushing him away for years, if you really did give into him, what would he think of you now? _He'd just treat me as another wife. Another play thing for him to fuck and toss._ You drank your coffee down in big gulps and then placed the cup on the floor. You realised you'd discarded your top halfway across the room and you had no underwear or trousers within reaching distance of the bed.  
"Negan...can you get out?"  
"Ex-fucking-cuse me? I just made you coffee and that's the thanks I get?" You could never tell if he was joking or being serious.  
"No Negan, I just need to get dressed. I need to put some clothes on." You motioned towards your discarded top, laying on the floor beside him. He picked it up and bought it over to you, smiling.  
"Well doll, after last night, ain't nothing I ain't fucking seen...or tasted," he gave you a wink. You snatched your top from his hands and felt goosebumps prickling up all over you skin. _Shit, it really happened!_ You had to play it cool, you couldn't let him know you were panicking about it.  
"Shut up Negan. That was a mistake and I can assure you, it's never going to happen again." You wrapped your blanket around your waist and pushed Negan away from you, walking over to your drawers to get some new underwear and trousers. Negan had placed himself on your bed, leaning back on his elbow, watching you.  
"That's really fucking funny doll. I didn't hear you saying it was a mistake last night. In fact, I believe your exact fucking words were don't stop." You were so angry. You grabbed the pillow resting on top of your drawers and threw it at him. He laughed as he batted it out the way.  
"Negan just get out." You could feel red burning in your cheeks.  
"I still haven't had a thank you." You wanted to wipe that smug smile off his face.  
"Thank you...for the coffee. Now get out while I get dressed." You fingers were turning white from gripping the blanket. You felt relief as he laughed and stood up, walking towards the bathroom.  
"Fine doll, I'm going. No need to be modest anymore, not like I ain't fucking seen it before," you grabbed the next closest thing, a mug, and got ready to throw it at him. He held his arms up, laughing.  
"Negan!!"  
"I'm going! Don't take too fucking long though princess, we're going on a run today. I need you in top fucking shape."  
You look at him puzzled. You weren't expecting a run today.  
"Where are we going?"  
"Somewhere new. Hilltop it's called. They got a lot of fucking shit and we are going to claim it." And with that he was gone. You hurried and got yourself ready and then made your way to the truck. You knew today was going to be a long day.

As usual you hopped in with Negan. You were worried about being alone with him again, hoping he didn't try and make a move on you. _Last night was a stupid mistake_. You hoped Negan wouldn't mention anything about it, but as soon as the thought popped into your head Negan whacked it away.  
"So doll, when we having a repeat of last night?” His voice was tinged with amusement. You squirmed in your seat at the thought of Negan being all over you again.  
“Never. That is never happening again,” you folded your arms, determined to stand your ground on this one.  
“Never? Really?” He flashed you a big grin. You felt shivers run down your spine.  
“Yes Negan. It was a mistake alright? It shouldn’t have fucking happened.”  
“But it did doll, and I definitely ain’t the only fucking one in this car who enjoyed it,” _He just can’t help himself_ , you rolled your eyes at him, “am I?”  
“Fine. Yes I enjoyed it, but I’m not one of your fucking wives Negan, you can’t have me one night a week and fuck me off the rest of the week. It’s not gonna happen again.” You straightened yourself up in the seat, trying to show Negan that he wasn’t gonna get round you on this.  
“Ha…I don’t want you as a wife Y/N! Fuck, who would I take out on runs with me? Look, all I’m saying is we….have some fun…together. You know, mutually beneficial. You get some, I fucking get some, everyone’s a happy camper.”  
“So you want to cheat on your wives…with me?” You raised your eyebrow, struggling to believe what he was saying.  
“Fucking hell doll, when you say it like that it sounds fucking awful. I’d say it’s more of….well fuck, we’ll call it a promotion. Don’t you think we need a bit of excitement in our lives?”  
“Negan, we’re fucking surrounded by walkers and people who want to kill you. How much more excitement do you fucking need?” You were starting to get annoyed with him, hoping that he would just drop this conversation.  
“Well, it’s good to get your heart racing,” he laughed. You felt heat spread through your body, you loved his laugh, as much as you hated to admit it, “and besides, you didn’t think I’d notice how wet you got when Amber was fucking knocking on that door. You love that shit as much as me, and fuck me doll, your performance with Simon was pretty fucking bad. Well, not for him, he’s fucking made up, been bragging around about how he had you screaming over that table,” Negan started to slide his hand up your leg, your blood was boiling thinking of Simon telling everyone around the compound what you'd done, "That shit with me was real. The way your body tensed up…” you could feel the heat rising into your cheeks, “the way your legs were shaking.” You slapped his hand away.  
“Negan can we just drop this? It was a fucking mistake.” He laugh, you were pretty sure at you.  
“Alright doll, I’ll drop it…for now.”  
You spent the rest of the car ride in silence, him occasionally turning to smile at you and you returning the favour by rolling your eyes at him. Eventually the truck pulls up to a big wooden fence. Behind it, you can see a small mansion sitting on top of the hill. Negan looks at you and smiles.  
“Showtime doll face.”


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Negan and the reader strike up a secret deal, but neither of them expected how good of a deal it would be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Decided to get another chapter out before I go back to the real world of work! Enjoy!!

You couldn’t help but smile to yourself as Negan did his usual cocky ‘Don’t fuck with me, I’m taking your shit’ routine. You could practically recite it word for word now. You leaned against the truck with your baseball bat in hand, looking round at all the people staring at Negan, some wide eyed and terrified, others with a stern look on their faces. _Poor fuckers don’t know what’s about to hit them_. Negan ordered Simon and Dwight to round up five people, get them on their knees in front of him. You followed Negan, your eyes wandering up and down his body. After all these years you still didn’t understand how one man, one mortal man could exude so much masculinity, have people terrified and shaking just at the sound of his voice. You smiled as you thought back to the first time you met him. You remember being scared but you still stood your ground. Maybe that’s why he had taken an immediate liking to you. You loved the way he could command a room, a community, with just a look. After last night, you hadn’t stopped thinking about him. You weren’t in love with him, not infatuated, you were simply…intrigued. For years you had pushed this man away, forever using the excuse that he was too old for you, you didn’t mess with old men, he was your boss. But last night, thinking about it sent shivers up your spine, heat rushing to your core. _Maybe it won’t be such a bad thing sleeping with the boss. Perks of the job and all that._ Your mind began to race, thinking of it all. Sneaking around, although that wouldn’t be too hard with your shared bathroom. The wives. Simon. The others. No one would know but you and Negan. You had to admit, thinking about the secrecy of it all gave you an adrenaline rush, something different to the usual one of killing walkers and being chased. This was something different. You didn’t love this man and you couldn’t see yourself ever loving him. You didn’t see him as a father or a brother, but you cared about him, a lot. You owed him your life, and he owed you his. You couldn’t deny that he’d made you feel like you were on fire last night. You’d felt untouchable in his grip, nothing compared to what you’d experienced with Simon. That reminded you, you needed to speak to Simon, although you’d doubt it would do much good as you were pretty sure everyone already knew what had happened on your birthday.

“Eenie, meenie, miney……” You came crashing back to earth as you heard Negan’s voice. _These poor fuckers_ One of them was about to die.

“…Mo,” the crack from Lucille echoed through Hilltop. People screaming, crying, turning their heads away in disgust, others not being able to deter their eyes at all. Negan bought Lucille down again and again and again. A small smirk appeared on your face and you turned your head away from the bloodshed and walked back to the truck, climbing in the passenger seat. You knew this routine like the back of your hand. Now he would give them all the “I’ll be back in a week for half your shit" speech and then he’d come get in the car and you’d drive back to the Sanctuary together. Right on que, Negan jumped into the driver’s seat, throwing Lucille on your lap. She was stained bright red, bit of flesh, skull and brain still stuck to the barbed wire. You picked an old rag off the floor and began wiping her and Negan started driving out of Hilltop.

 

You’d only been in the car around 15 minutes when Negan bought it up again. You knew he couldn’t resist.

“So doll, you thought anymore about my little proposition?” You sighed. You knew he was going to bring it up again.

“Actually I have,” Your gazed wandered over to him, blood splattered across his white shirt, “and I think you should pull over.” He turned to you puzzled, a slight grin creeping onto his face. He turned the engine off and shifted in his seat so he was facing you, his arm resting across the headrests.

“Well doll…I’m fucking bursting with anticipation here,” That smug grin had now spread across his face, his eyes a deep black, burning with lust. You shifted in your seat, slowly climbing over to him, placing your hands on his belt, your lips coming to meet his. Your mind was still flashing doubt about this decision, trying to make you change your mind but your whole body was yearning for him. As his tongue traced yours you knew you were making the right decision for yourself. _I need this. I never ask for anything, this is the only thing I want._ You tried to convince yourself more and more that Negan was what you needed. A kind of release that you’d not gotten for years. You felt Negan’s hand creep up your waist, sliding underneath your top. You grabbed it and pulled away.

“Negan, wait. I’m saying yes okay? But this is between us. I don’t want anyone else to know, and I don’t want it to change anything between us. In front of everyone else, I’m still just your right hand girl okay?” You were trying not to seem so desperate but your whole body was aching for him.

“Anything you want doll. But from now on you’re fucking mine. You don’t fuck no one but me. I don’t like fucking sharing,” and with that he pulled you to him again, the connection like electric as soon as your mouths touched.

“Yes…” A small moan escaped your lips, but it only turned Negan on more, him grabbing your hips and pulling you on top of him so you were straddling him.

“Yes what?”

“Yes…Boss,” his hands crept under your top, lifting it up so both your breast were exposed. You gasp at the sudden air hitting them, then at Negan’s tongue tracing your nipple, slowly sucking on it and teasing it, nipping it.

“Oh Negan…just….just fuck me already,” you couldn’t believe you were saying this. After two years with this man you were giving into him. You hands went to work undoing his belt, pulling his throbbing cock from his boxers. You felt the rumble in his chest and you grabbed it, both of your hands working their way up and down it. Negan’s head rolled back, his eyes closed. He held on to your hips, his fingers digging in just enough to keep you there.

“Jesus fucking Christ doll, I’ve been waiting so long for you to get hold of this.”

A smile spread across your face and you worked your hand faster, seeing the precum glistening on his tip.

“Fuck, get your fucking panties off now,” Negan fumbled around with your trousers, slipping his hand down into your panties. You felt the heat rising in your cheeks, embarrassed at how soaked your panties were and he’d hardly touched you. You felt his finger trace along your lips, slowly teasing at any moment to push between them. In a single breath, he pushed his way into your core. You felt the heat rise throughout your body, blood gushing to your core. A moan escaped your lips as Negan pushed another finger in, stretching you.

“Oh baby girl, is this all for me?” He smiled at you. Your eyes met his, you couldn’t look away. They were completely black, you were sure you were going to get lost in them.

“Mmhmm…” You couldn’t even bring yourself to speak.

“Say it,” his voice was dark, tainted with the lust he was currently consumed by.

“Yes Boss,” another moan escaped your lips. Negan let out a small laugh as he pulled his fingers away from you, tearing off your trousers and underwear. He grabbed your hips and bought you straight down on his hard cock. The sudden sensation of him completely inside of you, stretching you out to the max almost made you come instantly. Negan knew exactly what to do. His hands gripped on your hips had you bouncing up and down on him. You couldn’t do anything to quieten the noises escaping from your mouth. Moan after moan, yours and his. You rested you head onto his shoulder, moaning into his ear, softly biting at his neck trying to cover your moans. That only seem to make him go faster and harder. You couldn’t think straight at all. You were consumed with this pressure building up inside of you. You felt Negan’s hand glide up your side, coming to rest on your breast, his fingers playing, teasing your nipple. The sensation was only bringing you closer and closer to the brink.

“Baby girl, you are so fucking wet. Shit, I ain’t gonna be able to hold on much longer,” you could hear his heart beating, racing, just the same as yours.

“Negan, don’t stop, I’m gonna…I’m gonna…” You couldn’t even finish your sentence before you felt the pleasure explode all over your body. You felt your whole body tense up. You gripped onto his shoulders, your back arched and you felt yourself contracting on him. You felt the gushes of wetness flowing from you. Negan obviously felt it too as he let out a huge moan, his hands firmly clamped down on your hips, you felt him spill into you. You felt his cock twitching inside of you, your core refusing to let him go, not yet. You both sat there, motionless, out of breath, sweat covering both of you. Negan started to laugh and you joined him.

“Fuck me, I’ve not fucking cum like that for ages. Think you need to teach my wives a thing or two,” his hand came to rest on your cheek, bringing your face to his, your lips meeting again, only this time it was softer.

“Well you know, they are all like twice my age,” you laughed, climbing off him and sliding your panties back on. You looked at the mess on Negan’s lap. Your juice mixed with his and you laughed, “Bit of a mess there Negan.” He looked down and then laughed.

“Shit, I need to get me a fucking shower when we get back. Can’t be fucking my wives with your scent all over me.” You laughed and leaned across to him, planting a kiss on his neck.

“But wouldn’t it turn you on?,” you sat back, giggling, you knew this was only going to turn him on again.

“Shit Y/N. You are gonna get me into some serious fucking trouble. But I take it we have a deal?” He started doing his belt up again, getting ready to start the car up.

“Yeah, we have a deal,” for once it was you smiling smugly. You pulled your trousers on and sat back as Negan drove all the way back to The Sanctuary. You had the window down and the cool evening breeze was refreshing. You weren’t sure how long ago you and Negan had left Hilltop, but you were pretty sure it was light and now the sun was setting. You thought the others must be back by now. Would they be wondering where you and Negan were? You tried not to panic. Negan would handle it.

 

Luckily when you got back to the Sanctuary no one else was there. _They must still be on the run._ You and Negan walked back to your rooms in silence. You couldn’t stop smiling, it refusing to leave your face. A few times Negan would grab your bum, the feeling making heat rush through your body again. You’d slap him away and then make sure no one was around to see. There never was. As you got back to your door one of Negan’s wives came rushing to him, practically jumping on him. You started to unlock your door and when you turned she had her tongue halfway down Negan’s throat. But his eyes weren’t closed. They were locked onto you. You stared at him, his eyes vacant of the lust you’d seen back in the truck.

“Go on in, I’ll be there in a minute. I just need to have a word with Y/N.”

She shot you a look of disgust at which you rolled your eyes. She giggled as she ran into his room, shutting the door behind her. Negan came over to you, leaning against your door as you stood just inside, there being only a millimetre between your faces.

“Don’t you dare take them panties off. I want to see you in them tomorrow morning.” He winked and planted a kiss just next to your lips and then walked into his room. You stood there, still not able to believe that this had actually happened. You were actually sleeping with the boss. Behind his wives back. Behind everyone else’s backs. No one had any idea what was going on. You shut your door, a smile appearing across your face. You felt yourself getting wet again at Negan’s words. _Don’t you dare_. You did as he said. You got yourself ready for bed, not taking your panties off, refusing to shower, Negan’s smell still all over you. You laid on your bed, your heart still racing with thoughts of Negan inside of you. _This is gonna be the start of something good._ You closed your eyes, a smile lingering on your face. It was gonna be good, you just didn’t realise how good.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Negan shows his softer side by taking care of his right hand girl, but is this starting something she doesn't want to happen? Her body and her mind are at war with each other.

The next few weeks went by in a blur. You were so caught up in your affair (if you would call it that) thats the days had just seemed to blur into one. Every morning Negan would wake you up with coffee, you would go about your daily routine, go on runs or just hang around the compound and then every evening at 6pm you would go to Negan's room. Every evening he would make you feel more alive than you'd ever felt. His touch would electrify your whole body, the static between you still there long after you'd returned to your room. Every night you'd fall asleep, thoughts of Negan still running through your head, but these past few weeks you'd slept better than you had since the start of the outbreak. Today was different though. It was still dark outside when you managed to prise your eyes open. You sit up in bed and feel a familiar ache low in your pelvis. _Shit_. You rest your hand over the area. _Looks like Negan's gonna have to give it a rest for a few days._ You groan as you pull yourself out of bed, you can feel a pain in your head starting to manifest itself. _Brilliant. Not doing it by halves this month._ You grab a towel and some necessities out of your drawers and walk towards the bathroom, passing by your huge window. You look out and see the sun beginning to rise behind the trees. You stand there for a moment, just staring, taking it all in. You hear the unmistakable sound of birds chirping in the distance. In these quiet moments like this you almost forgot that walkers were out there, almost, but then you zone in on their groans coming from the fence. You stare down at the fence, wondering who is on guard duty tonight. You hadn’t had a drink with Simon or Dwight in so long now, you were feeling a bit out of the loop, not getting the latest gossip from them. You sigh and make your way into the bathroom, switching the light on and throwing your towel on the sink. You frown as you realise Negan's door is open. The last thing you want this morning is Negan chewing your ear off about waking him up so early. You creep over to his door, your hand resting on the doorknob as you peek in. You can’t help but notice how different he is when he’s asleep. The tense air that constantly surrounds him, the smug smile plastered to his face, his perfectly slicked back hair, it’s all gone. Instead, he actually looks human, like a real man instead of this made-up nightmare he likes to portray. He’s sleeping on his front, his hair ruffled, slightly curled from the sweat on his forehead. You can’t help but give a little giggle when you see his face smushed in the pillow, his arms wrapped underneath it as if he were cuddling it. You eyes fell down his back, the sweat glistening on it, marking each muscle out in the early morning light. You stood there, wondering about the kind of woman it would take to share that bed with him. You’d been in it many times, but never without a reason, mainly a reason on his part. You wondered about his life before, who he had been. You only knew who he was now. You sigh and slowly close his door. You turn the shower on, your hand lingering in it, waiting for the water to get warm. As soon as the splash of warmth comes you strip off and climb in, the heat and immediate remedy to your aching stomach. You stand there and let the water run over you, your head titled down as the water beats down on the back of your neck. You see the water turn red as it runs down your legs. _Fucking brilliant_. You weren’t sure how long you had been in the shower when you heard the door click.  
“Fuck me doll, how long have you been up?” Negan stood outside the shower, rubbing his eyes, you can hear the sleepiness still in his voice. You turn your head to look over your shoulder at him.  
“Sorry Negan. I had ermm….some lady troubles. I didn’t mean to wake you.” You turn back, trying to wash the bubbles away.  
“Oh shit darling. You surfing the crimson wave?” You roll your eyes. _Such a way with words_.  
“Yeah I am so we’re gonna have to have a break,” you turn the shower off as Negan holds the towel out for you. You step into it and he wraps it around you then wraps his arms around you and brings you close to his chest. Despite him only wearing boxers, he’s warm and the warmth make you feel at ease, like it takes away some invisible stress.  
“Doll, just cuz you’re on you think I ain’t gonna want to see you?” You furrow your eyebrows.  
“Negan you know I’m pretty open at all that but I draw the line at your fucking me on my period.” You feel a deep laugh rise from his chest.  
“Doll, I ain’t gonna fuck you. Quite the opposite actually,” his kisses the top of your head, “You just relax today alright? I’m going on a little run, not take me long, and no you can’t fucking come with me. Just chill out in your room and I’ll be back later.” Before you can even protest he’s gone. You hate missing a run but you couldn’t deny it, the way your womb was wreaking havoc in your body you could use a day off. You throw on some comfy joggers and climb back in to bed. At least you might be able to sleep away some of the pain.

It was midday when there was a knock at your door. You groan as you drag yourself away from the comfort of your bed. You’re surprised when you see Doctor Carson stood there.  
“Oh hey Doc, what can I do for you?” You try to give him the best smile you can but the cramps radiating in your stomach make it hard.  
“Well Y/N, Negan stopped by this morning. Said you might need a bit of a distraction given your current..errr….situation.” You squint your eyes at him.  
“You mean my period?” You see him blush at the mention of it. _Jesus Christ, and this is supposed to be our doctor._  
“Well umm…yes. That. He thought maybe you could come and help me out in the clinic. You know nothing too strenuous, more just to watch the place while I run some errands around the compound.”  
“Well, I haven’t got anything better to do,” you grab your jacket and walk down to the clinic with Doctor Carson.  
He gives you a quick tour of the clinic, shows you were everything is and then rushes off out the door. It’s too bright in the clinic, you throw your hood up pulling it down over your eyes, trying to shield out some of the light. You’re pretty sure you nodded off when the door banging closed startles you.  
“Hey Doc, I need a….,” Amber trails off as she realises it’s you sat at the desk and not Doctor Carson, “Eww, what are YOU doing here?” You give her your most sarcastic smile.  
“I’m covering for the Doc.” You stare at her, her looking down on you.  
“Shouldn’t you be, like, playing with biters or something.” You had no idea what Negan saw in her. Everything about her was vile.  
“Do you actually want something or are you just here to waste my fucking time?” You cross your arms, trying to restrain yourself from punching her square in the face.  
“When’s the actual doctor coming back?”  
“Not for a long fucking time so either tell me what you want or get the fuck out.” She huffs at you and taps her foot.  
“Just give me a pregnancy test. And don’t you dare tell Negan.” You feel your insides turn. You grab one out of the desk and throw it at her. She picks it up and stomps off out of the clinic, not so much as a second look at you.  
_Oh my god, is she pregnant? Has Negan really got Amber, of all his fucking wives, Amber pregnant?! That’s it now, he’s gonna be done with me. I’ll be back to just being his little gunner._ You hated to admit it but you were slightly jealous. All this sneaking around with Negan, the amazing sex, the even better orgasms. You knew if she was pregnant that was all going to be over now.  
Doctor Carson didn’t come back quick enough and as soon as he walked through the door you raced out back to your room. Your insides were turning thinking about Amber. You had never been jealous before and you couldn’t understand why you were so jealous now. You didn’t love Negan, the fooling around was just that. There was no meaning behind it, it was just something to pass the time. But still the news that she might be pregnant left you seething. You hurried back to your room and climbed under the covers, tears threatening to break from your eyes. You didn’t understand why you were so upset and you just wanted the day to be over now.

“Y/N!! Y/N come here!”  
You heard Negan’s voice raise you from your slumber. You looked around, confused, as there was no one in your room.  
“Fuck sake Y/N! Doll face! Come on get a move on!”  
You realised he was calling you from his room. You drag yourself into his room, not really wanting to see him after Amber’s little revelation, but as soon as you laid eyes on him, all that jealousy vanished.  
“Negan, what is this?” You stare at his bed. There, before your eyes, lay bars of chocolates, a tub of popcorn, a hot water bottle and a load of DVD’s. You look at him puzzled.  
“Well princess, before this shit storm we call the apocalypse, I did actually have a wife. You know, a proper one, did the whole vows and shit. Well, when it was her time she went crazy for this kind of shit, just laid around all day fucking stuffing her face and eating shit. So, I thought maybe you’d want to do the same.” A huge grin spread across his face as he saw a smile appear on yours.  
“Really?” You still couldn’t believe what was there. You scoop up a bar of chocolate and open it, taking a big mouthful, “Fuck Negan, I haven’t had chocolate in so long!” He laughs pushing the items to the bottom of the bed and throwing the covers back.  
“Get in then.”  
“What? I…” You stared confused at him, hoping this wasn’t what you were thinking, “I was just gonna go back to my room.”  
“I don’t fucking think so. I went out on this run specifically for your fucking ass so you will get in this fucking bed with me,” he kicked his shoes off and pulled his jeans off. He climbed in the bed and then motioned for you to get in next to him, “and you are gonna eat all this shit with me, we're gonna watch some films and hey, if you like, I might even give you a cuddle.” He winks at you at it’s all he has to do to send your heart racing. You nod and do exactly as he says. You slip your joggers off before climbing in bed next to him. You’d not been in Negan’s bed like this since you first came to The Sanctuary. Lately, you were only in it for one reason and that was never to sleep or cuddle. Negan puts one of the DVDs on and then comes and wraps his arm around you. You lean into him, his warmth making you feel at home. He rests his other arm behind his head as you drape your arm across his waist. _I could stay like this forever._  
You lost track of how long you laid there before you spoke. You were almost asleep again, listening to Negan’s heart beating through his top, your head rising and falling with each breath he took.  
“What was she called?” You heart skipped a beat as you felt him tense up. _Shit_  
“Who?”  
“Your wife. You said you had a wife before all of this. I just wondered what she was called.”  
“Lucille.” There was a long silence after that. You didn’t dare make him talk about her anymore for risk of upsetting him. You felt him kiss the top of your head and you nudged your hair into his chest more. “You know you remind me of her. A lot.”  
“Why’s that?” You look up to him, noticing how much softer he seems talking about her.  
“She was feisty, like you are. Didn’t take shit from no one, apart from me. I was a real bastard to her. Treated her like shit, cheated on her. God knows why she stayed. She didn’t like to give up, even at the fucking end she was still fighting.” You heard the sadness tainting his words.  
“What happened to her?” You felt as though you were pushing your luck but Negan had never opened up to you like this before.  
“Cancer. She died just after the outbreak. Had to put her down myself when she came back. No less than I fucking deserve after the shit I put her through.”  
“I’m sorry.” You knew the words offered no comfort but you needed to say something to him.  
“Don’t be fucking sorry doll, you didn’t kill her. Just the way shit works. Karma and all that fucking shit.” He squeezed you tight, and you suddenly felt this odd feeling in your stomach, like a million butterflies were floating around inside of you. _I am not falling for this man. I am not falling for him. Don’t be so stupid._ You kept telling yourself but your body was deciding differently.  
“Did you ever have any kids?”  
“Huh?...No, no we didn’t. She wanted kids but I was too fucking selfish. Wouldn’t give her the time of fucking day. Wouldn’t even fucking entertain the idea.” You decided not to press anymore. You could feel him tensing up under your questions. You laid there in his arms, your eyes shut, listening to his breathing You could happily stay like this but you knew the time would come soon when you’d have to go back to your won room, so you enjoyed it while you could.

You’re not sure how long you laid there but you know you’d fell asleep. When you opened your eyes Negan was running his fingers up and down your arm. The small motion gave some comfort to you. Just as you leant up and kiss his cheek there was a knock on the door. You shot up in the bed and started apologising to Negan.  
“Shit! I’m sorry! I didn’t realise the time, I’ll just grab my stuff and go,” you went to get out of his bed when he grabbed your arm and pulled you back down.  
“No you don’t. Wait here. Don’t make a sound.”  
He climbed over you and walked to the door. He only opened it slightly but you could hear Amber’s voice, like nails on a chalkboard. It was muffled whispering but you could hear Negan telling her not tonight, he wasn’t in the mood and you could hear Amber’s whining at him, telling him she had something special to tell him. You felt your stomach doing knots again at those words. You didn’t know what it was but you had a pretty good idea what she was going to say to him. You got lost in your thoughts when you heard Negan raise his voice.  
“Amber you fucking idiot. How could you be so stupid! Did you actually think I was gonna be happy about this? Another fucking mouth to feed, let alone all the shit we’d need for it. You think we’d play happy fucking families. No fucking way. Get the fuck out of my sight and I don’t want to fucking see your stupid ass again until that problem is fucking sorted.”  
He slammed the door and came and got back into bed with you. You were tense as he pulled you back into his arms. You’d never seen him blow off like that at one of his wives. He was right though, they didn’t have the time or food for another mouth, especially not a baby.  
“Did you hear that doll?” You nodded, not daring to look at him. “Don’t worry about it. Fucking stupid idiot can’t take care of herself she wants to fucking trap me with a kid in this fucking world. Don’t let it ruin our night, she was just pissed cuz I told her to get the fuck out. I wanted to spend tonight with you.” He lifts your head and plants a kiss on your lips, soft and slow, you can feel the passion burning between you. He pulls you down into the bed, positioning himself so that he’s half on top of you, his hand gliding up and down your side. He runs his other hand through your hair, kissing you deeply. He’s never been this soft with you, ever. You can’t help but feel a bit on edge, waiting for him to revert back to his obnoxious self, but it doesn’t happen.  
“Come on doll, I could use an early night for a change.” He rolls you onto your side, sliding one arm under you so that your head is resting against it and he brings his other arm tight around your waist, holding you as if you’d float away if he didn’t. You bury your face into his arm, letting his whole body engulf you. You feel so small in his arms, yet so safe. He buries his head in the back of your hair, inhaling deeply. Just as you are drifting off you hear him mumble something into your ear. You catch it just before your body gives in for the night.  
“You know, if I got another chance with Lucille, I’d do everything differently.”


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You do some digging around and unveil the horrible truth, but you confront Negan about it, it doesn't go down the way you'd hoped.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry I've not updated for a while! I've had such a horrible eye infection that I've not been able to see anything for a week! My eye sights coming back slowly now so sorry for any mistakes!

It took a minute for your eyes to adjust to the bright morning sun streaming in through the windows. You blinked trying to focus on your surroundings. You felt slightly off but you couldn’t put your finger on it until your eyes adjusted. _Negan’s room_. You lifted your head slightly to look around the room, to make sure you weren’t still dreaming. You felt Negan’s heavy arm draped around your waist, the heat radiating off him. You laid back down, resting your head back on his arm, a slight panic raising in you, remembering that Negan never let anyone sleep in his room. You decided to forget about it, snuggling yourself back into his arms. Whatever he did, if he punished you, it couldn’t be worse than anything he’d dished out before. Before you knew it, Negan’s warmth had sent you back in a deep slumber.

You were awoken a soft wetness making its way down your neck. You smiled and wriggled slightly, but deep down, you were waiting for Negan to snap back to reality, tell you to get out, anything.  
“Jesus, baby girl, that was the best fucking night’s sleep I’ve had in years,” he pulls you in close, you can feel his body smother you, his smell completely enclosing you in the warm embrace. You cling to his arm as he playfully plants kisses down your neck and across your exposed shoulder. You giggle and writhe in his arms, trying to get away but not really wanting to let go of him at all. He flips you on your back and manages to pin you down, his leg trapping yours, his hands on your wrists either side of your head. He looks down on you, his brown eyes bearing into your soul. You wriggle under his grasp, not wanting to stare at him too long, you were sure that’s how so many women had fell at his feet. But not you. You were determined to stay grounded, even if these odd moments with Negan made you feel as though you were dreaming.  
“I thought you had rules about me staying over,” you raised your eyebrow at him, giving him a little smile.  
“Yeah, well, those are my fucking rules,” he gives your neck a small nibble, making your stomach flip at the sensation, “and I can break those fucking rules.” And with that he took to placing kisses all over you again, his hands sliding up under top, and then down over your underwear.  
“Negan, no!” You grab his hands and pull them back up, a slight hint of annoyance sweeping across his face.  
“Shit, I’m sorry Y/N,” he rests his forehead against yours, “Heat of the moment and all that.” He rolls off you and lays next to you, resting his arm behind his head. You roll to face him, leaning up on your elbow, your head lazily resting in your hand.  
“No, I’m sorry Negan, I just…” Before you can finish, Negan pulls you in for another kiss, soft and sweet.  
“Fuck sake doll you ain’t gotta apologise for being fucking on, that shit ain’t your fault. At least you fucking told me unlike my wives. They try to hide that shit, I just don’t fucking get it.” You lay your head on his chest, the steady rise and fall of his chest making you almost sleepy again.  
“Maybe they’re scared of you.”  
“Are you scared of me?” You look up to him and see that small smile creeping in at the corner of his mouth. That was what scared you about him. How he could his mood in a flash. How he could be bashing people’s heads in one minute and be laughing and joking the next. You never knew whether he was joking with you or if he really was going to bring Lucille crashing down on your head. He was the only man you’d never been able to get a proper read on.  
“Sometimes.” That smug grin engulfed his face. You shook your head and laid back down.  
“Well, a bit of fear is good. Makes people remember who’s in charge.” He laughs and gives you a squeeze, you feel his laugh vibrate through his body. “Anyway doll, I think I’m gonna have to be a fucking top class gentleman and kick you out. I’m harder than a god damn diamond cutter after sleeping with you and I need some fucking release.” He gives your ass a little smack and goes to sit up but you push him back down.  
“Hey, not so fast. I might be out of action down there, but I still have hands and a mouth.” You flash him a cheeky smile and a wink and it’s all you have to do to for him to be like putty in your hands. You slide under the covers, your hands sliding over his boxers, slowly slipping inside and grabbing hold of his hard cock, teasing it out of his boxers. You glide your tongue over the tip, your hand working away, gliding up and down. You hear Negan moan and it’s all the confirmation you need to carry on. You circle your tongue around the head, making sure to take your time, to tease him the same way he has done to you. You slowly take all of him in your mouth, making sure to slide your tongue along the length of him. He rests a hand on the back of your head, slowly grabbing at your hair. You can hear him swearing under his breath, you smile, your tongue working its way up and down, your hands working in time with your mouth. It isn’t too long before Negan’s grip on you tightens, his hand forcing your mouth to work harder. You don’t give up, taking in every inch of his throbbing, hard cock, until you hear that familiar moan escape Negan, the hot spill of him on your tongue. He pulls you up and plants a kiss on your cheek. You smile and Negan runs his thumb along your lip, wiping away the juice that has spilled from your mouth.  
“You know, you’re fucking beautiful,” he rests his hand on your cheek. You smile and then playfully hit it away.  
“Yeah and you’re sex drunk so we’ll just forget you ever said that.” You roll of him and lay back down, a small laugh escaping you. Negan looks at you smiling, and grabs your thigh with his hand.  
“I swear doll, you are giving my wives some stiff competition. I don’t know why you never wanted to be one, we could do great things together.”  
“We do do great things together Negan, but I don’t play well with others, I definitely do not share. This way it’s just easier. We both know where we stand, and besides, you couldn’t have me locked up here in the compound. Who would save your ass all the time?” You push his hand off and climb out of the bed, scooping up your discarded clothes from the floor, “Anyway Negan, I think you have some business to go take care of.”  
“Is that so?” He leans forward, his head resting against his hand. You can’t help but notice the way the light is bouncing off the muscles in his shoulders and arms.  
“Yes Negan. Amber? Remember?” You roll your eyes as he laughs.  
“Fine, fine. I’ll go sort it out, probably should pay the wives a visit anyway. Your fine fucking ass has been taking up too much of my time.” He climbs out of the bed, gripping you from behind, nuzzling into your neck, placing kisses along your shoulder.  
“Negan, you can’t just stop seeing your wives. They’ll know somethings up.”  
“No one is gonna find out, don’t fucking worry doll. And if they do, then fuck…Lucille will just have to pay them a little visit.” You push him away and walk towards the bathroom.  
“Goodbye Negan”  
“Hey, don’t I get a thanks for last night?”  
“You already got that this morning,” you wink at him as you shut the bathroom door. You felt a small twang in your heart, thinking of Amber carrying Negan’s child. You didn’t want it to be jealousy, you were never a jealous person, but in that moment you could feel it rising up in the pits of your stomach. You decided to do your own digging today, to find out what Negan was going to do with her and the child.

\----A few hours later----  
You walk down the corridor towards the wives rooms. You had this burning need inside of you to know what Negan had said to Amber. Your hands shook as you approached her door. You knocked twice and then stood there, waiting. When no one answered, you knocked again, only this time louder. Still no one answered. You decided to try the door on the off chance that she’d left it open and to your surprise, the door slowly creaked open as you twisted the door handle. You had no idea what you were looking for, something, anything to prove to yourself that this pregnancy was no real. You hated to admit it to yourself but you were jealous. You were full of envy at her. In the moments you spent with Negan you had almost forgot that he had five wives, all baying for his attention. You began rummaging through her drawers, trying to find any little thing that would prove to you this wasn’t real. From the moment she’d turned up at Negan’s door last night you’d had a bad feeling about it, like something was slightly off. How she just so happened to come into the clinic, the one day you happened to be covering there. Almost as if she knew it would be you in there that day. Her drawers showed up nothing, but then you saw it, just sticking out of the trash can in the corner. The test box. You rushed over to it, snatching it out of the bin. It was empty but then you saw the test, laying in the bin. You picked it up and your heart somersaulted in your chest. One line. _One fucking line._ She wasn’t pregnant. It was all a show. She’d known you’d be in the clinic so she used it to wind you up, to make out she was pregnant, to..what? Get Negan wrapped around her little finger. As you stood there staring at it, you heard someone clear their throat. You spun around, hiding the test behind your back and was met with the sight of Amber, her face twisted in anger at finding you in her room.  
“What the fuck do you think you’re doing?”  
“Oh you know, thought I’d stop by, see how the whole pregnancy things going,” You gave her your fakest smile, your voice tinged with sarcasm.  
“Not that it’s any of your fucking business but Negan’s ecstatic. We’re gonna be a family, and then you and the rest of these dumb bitches will be gone from here, forever.” She took a step towards you, a smug smile plastered across her face. You weren’t backing down, you knew she was lying.  
“Really? Well he didn’t sound too ecstatic last night when you told him,” You took a step towards her, smiling back.  
“And how would you know? What, were you in his room?” _Damn it_.  
“Thin walls sweetie. And besides when he gets a load of this,” You show her the pregnancy test in your hand, “I don’t think he’s gonna be happy at all that you lied to him, especially about something so big.” She lunged at you, trying to grab the test from your hand but you manage to push her back. Her face twisted in anger at you.  
“You wouldn’t dare!”  
“Really? Wouldn’t I? Cuz from what I remember you haven’t done shit for me. I was here long before you, and after this, I’ll be here long after Negan dumps your slimy ass back out there with the walkers,” You held the test back away from her. There was no way you were going to let this slide and not tell Negan.  
“Oh give it a rest Y/N. You honestly think Negan gives two shits about you? You crawl around after him like a love sick puppy and you know what? At the end of the day he’s still coming back to me. It’s me that he wants, not you. Why would he want some scrag head little kid that likes playing with the walkers when he could have me? A real woman. The closest you can get to Negan is Simon and…” Before she can even finish the sentence, before you even knew what you were doing, your fist connects with her jaw, the crack echoing through the room. She falls to the floor gripping at her mouth. You stand there staring, shocked at yourself for what you’ve just done.  
“You’re gonna fucking regret ever doing that.” She spits blood onto the floor, it smeared across her chin. Before either of you can say another word, his voice echoes through the room, chilling you to the bone.  
“What the fuck is going on here?” Negan marches in the room, bending down to Amber, lifting her face to his, “Get the fuck to my office now!” You try to protest but he looks at you with a cold gaze, his eyes completely black with rage. You storm out of the room, not giving either of them a second look. 

You had been pacing his office for at least half an hour when he stormed in, slamming the door behind him. You lent against his desk as he stomped over to you, slamming Lucille down next to do.  
“You want to tell me exactly what the fuck happened back there princess?” He had you pinned against the desk, an arm either side of you, but you refused to break beneath him.  
“Well I thought your little whore would have told you all about it.” He raises his fist and slams it back into the table.  
“Don’t fucking play with me doll, I can make you fucking wish you were never born.” You stare deep into his eyes, refusing to let his power break you, despite your stomach doing turns inside you, and the adrenaline rushing through your veins.  
“You do that all the time Negan.” You roll your eyes. _All fucking talk_. He brings his hand up around your throat, holding your face to his. He holds you just tight enough so that you can feel the air struggling to get into your lungs. He smiles at you, dark and evil, there is no smugness about it this time.  
“I’m gonna give you one more chance doll, so I’d start fucking talking before I really lose my temper.” You push him off, your own anger building inside of you.  
“You want to know what happened Negan? She’s fucking lying to you!” You throw the test at him in anger. He leans down to pick it up. Tears sting your eyes as you try to hold your anger back.  
“What the fuck is this?” He looks at you, you notice a crack in his hard demeanour.  
“It’s her pregnancy test. You know, the one she took when she told you she was fucking pregnant. There’s no fucking baby Negan. She fucking lied to try and get you to herself.”  
“How do I know you didn’t do this?” The anger boiled over. You gave him a hard shove as the tears fell from your eyes.  
“Do you really think that low of me Negan? That I’d go to all that trouble of getting a pregnancy test just so you’d fall out with her. I’m fucking trying to protect you here!” You turn your back to him, not wanting him to see how upset, _angry_ you are.  
“You make my job so fucking difficult. You know I’m gonna have to punish you for this, right?” You shook him a look of pure anger.  
“Punish me? Are you fucking serious? She fucking lied to you about being pregnant!”  
“And you laid hands on one of my wives. That shit ain’t gonna fucking slide darling, especially when others start asking questions about it. You ain’t left me with much choice.”  
“And what about her Negan? What are you going to do to her?” He takes a step towards you, wiping the tears that have fallen on your cheek.  
“Well, the only people that know about this are me, you and her. That’s why I really wish you hadn’t left a mark on her. Come on.” He grabs your arm and starts to lead you down the hallways. As soon as you hear the music you know exactly where he’s taking you.  
“Are you fucking serious?” You struggle in his grip but he’s too strong for you. He unlocks one of the cells and shoves you in.  
“I’m sorry doll, it’s for your own good.” And with that he slams the door shut and plunges you into darkness. The music echoes through the cell, unbearably loud. You scream and beat on the walls until you can’t any longer. All the rage in you now turning to betrayal, to anger…to sadness. _How could he do this to me? After last night, after this morning?_ The tears fall down your face, their heat burning tracks on your cold cheeks. You cried until your body gave up and you fell into an uncomfortable sleep on the hard, wet floor.

\----Negan’s POV----  
He wasn’t sure how long he stood outside that cell for, listening to your agonising screams, your fists beating down on the door and walls. His heart was broken in a million pieces. His wife, whether he really loved her or not, had lied and betrayed him and his favourite girl, well, she’d gone psycho on his wife’s ass and he had to do something about it. He had to wait for all this to die down. He knew people were gonna ask questions, about why you were in the cells, about what had happened to his wife’s face but at the moment he didn’t have an answer. He’d been taken for a fool and you had only been trying to protect him, the same way you’d done since he first met you. He knew without you he would definitely be dead by now maybe not from walkers, but someone would have taken him out. He’d lost track of the amount of times you’d taken a bat, knife, gun to someone to stop them hurting him. As much as he hated to admit it, he had a soft spot for you. A big one, more than anyone else. He placed his hand on the cell door, listening to your cries weakening. He hated himself for doing this to you, but he convinced himself it was for your own good, for both of yours. He couldn’t have people talking about how his right hand girl had attacked his wife and he’d stood by and done nothing. If he wanted your secret to carry on, he had to pretend as if you were still one of his soldiers, nothing more. He fought hard against himself not to rip the cell door open and carry you back upstairs. He told himself over and over again that it was for your own good, but the more he said it, the more he didn’t believe his own words. As your cries died down, he finally walked away, dragging himself back to his room. There would be no you tonight, no sneaky cuddles, no stolen kisses. He told his wives he didn’t want to be disturbed tonight, and he made his way to his room, lonely, aching at the thought of you not being there. He slumped down in bed, drifting off to sleep, his thoughts completely consumed by you.


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You finally reach your breaking point, positive that you're unable to fight anymore, when a stranger emerges from the crowd and offers you a helping hand.

You lost track of how many days you had been in there. You had given up screaming, it was no use. All it did was make the days go longer. They’d tried to feed you the usual shit, you doubted Negan had even told them you were in here. You weren’t even sure if it was day or night, you just knew that you were starving, weak, but you weren’t gonna give Negan the satisfaction of stooping down to these prisoners’ level. Every day when they shoved the food in, you shoved it right back out. You refused to talk to them, refused to acknowledge whoever it was on the other side of the door. By the final day you could hardly lift your head from the cold, unforgiving ground beneath you. You were chilled to the bone, your clothes offering little comfort. You didn’t even notice the shivers running through your body now, just the dull aching in your muscles. When the door was pulled open you could barely open your eyes. The light was blinding to you. You just laid there, like wounded animal, trying to sink into the floor so that no one would hurt you. You let out a whimper as someone scooped you up in their arms. His voice bought an odd warmth to you, his smell gave you a familiar comfort.  
“Come on doll, I’m taking you home.” _Negan._ You tried to speak but nothing came out, your body too weak to do anything. You wanted to scream at him, hit him, hurt him just like he had hurt you. You felt so betrayed by him, yet all you could do was just lay there in his arms, unable to utter even a single word. You couldn’t focus on anything, and when the sudden sensation of a soft bed engulfed you, you couldn’t help but cry. It had felt like weeks since you had felt the softness of a bed. You rolled onto your front, burying your head in the sheets, your cries were silent, you were too weak, too dehydrated to even cry. You felt those strong arms scoop you up again, this time though, it was bare skin you were pressed against. You had missed his touch so much, but the anger was already building inside of you again, thinking how he just tossed you aside, left you in a dirty, damp hole to rot. You hated him so much, but at the same time his touch was making you float on air. You could hear the shower running and he placed you down on the floor, the touch of hard floor made you wince again, but Negan shushed you, telling you it was all okay now. He undressed you, taking care with each piece of clothing he slipped off your fragile body. As he slipped your underwear off, you’d never felt so naked in front of him before. You were completely stripped away, not just your clothes, but your cockiness, your attitude. You were weak, like a child. He picked you up and carried you into the shower, sitting on the floor with you between his legs, your head still pressed against his chest, listening to the thumping of his heart. You let out a small cry and the hot water began to beat down on your body. Negan ran his hands through your hair, down your arms, over your bruised legs. You realised he was washing you. You couldn’t fight him, you didn’t have the energy. You just laid there in this arms, letting the dirt from the cells wash away. As the water washed everything away, you began to feel a bit of your energy come back.  
“Negan…” He shushed you straight away. You didn’t have it in you to argue with him. After a while, when your body had warmed up, when the shivers had stopped, Negan turned the shower off, wrapping you in a towel and carrying you back into his room. He laid you on his bed, rummaging around in his drawers, pulling out a white t-shirt and some grey boxers. He came over to you, drying you and sliding on the clothes. You’d never admit it, but it gave you butterflies when you realised he was putting you in his clothes, his smell engulfing you. You inhaled deeply, taking all of him in. As he got himself dressed, you managed to prop yourself up against the pillows. He brings you over a glass of water and you down it straight away, the coldness stinging as it hits your throat.  
“Jesus, slow down doll, you’re gonna make yourself sick. You want another?” You nod and pass him back the glass. He fills it and bring it back over to you, sitting on the bed beside you. You take a small gulp this time. You can feel it soothing your dry throat. The more you come around though, the more you remember what happened before he tossed you in that cell.  
“Negan…how long was I in there?” You voice is shaky, but you’re determined to let him know he hasn’t beat you down yet.  
“It doesn’t matter doll, we’ll talk about it another time.” He places his hand on your bare thigh, giving you a little squeeze. You push his hand away.  
“No, I want to talk now. How long?” You stare at Negan but he looks down at the bed. This is the first time you’ve seen him look so guilty, his face full of regret and sadness.  
“Y/N…”  
“Negan,” you try to make yourself sound as stubborn as possible, but you can hear your voice shaking from how weak you are.  
“Two weeks,” For the first time you hear a crack in his voice, a slight shakiness. Your mouth drops open, you feel your heart start racing and tears begin to prick your eyes. You push Negan away and try to stand up, your legs shaking beneath your weight.  
“No Y/N, wait…” You shake him off and push yourself up to stand. Your heart is breaking. _How could I have been so stupid? How could I think he actually cared about me? He left me to rot in that shithole for two weeks. I’m just some kid he found getting in a pile of walkers, why should I mean anything to him? I’m just a hired gun he gets to fuck whenever he wants._ You tried to walk to your room, but each step was getting increasingly difficult. Your whole body started to shake and before you knew it, everything went black.

When you opened your eyes, you were back in your own room. Your eyes made out the shape of Negan, and…someone else. You suddenly felt an aching in your arm and looked down at it. Your vision was blurry but you could make out tubes coming from your arm. You followed it up and saw a bag of clear fluid hanging next to your bed.  
“Rise and shine sweety. You gave us quite a scare there,” _Doctor Carson_ , “You’re gonna be fine, just a little fluid drip to get you back up to speed. Negan you should have told me sooner she wasn’t well, she’s really dehydrated, almost killed the poor girl if you’d left it any longer.” You close your eyes, hearing Negan getting Doctor Carson out of the room. As soon as you hear the door shut, you muster up all the strength you have just to tell Negan to leave.  
“Get out.” Your words are cold, hurt. _He almost killed me_.  
“I’m not going anywhere, not till I know you’re okay.” He comes and rests a hand on your arm. You pull away, momentarily forgetting about the IV drip in your arm, the sudden jolt making you wince in pain.  
“I said get out! You tried to kill me! Just leave!” He grabs your hand, this time you’re too weak to pull away from him.  
“I’m sorry Y/N. Things just got out of hand, it was just easier for you to stay in there while all of this blew over. Shit, I know I fucking messed up.” You let out a mocking laugh at him, tears slowly falling from your eyes.  
“That’s an understatement. If you want me dead Negan you could have just let me go, hell you could have even given me Lucille. But no. You leave me in those cells to fucking rot like I’m one of those fucking slaves you have out there. Just go Negan.” You turned your head away from, not being able to look at his face.  
“Y/N…”  
“Just go! LEAVE!” You scream at the top of your lungs and he backs off. He walks out and closes the door, leaving you alone. You feel like your heart has been ripped out and torn into a million pieces. One of the few people you trusted in The Sanctuary, the one who had saved your life right when you were ready to give up, who had taken you in and looked after you, cared for you. You could feel the anger burning up in your body. You trusted this man with your life and he had left you for dead. You were done with him.

The next few days passed in a blur. You noticed the odd person coming in and out, usually Doctor Carson, Dwight and Simon had payed you the odd visit, but you don’t recall Negan coming back. When you could finally manage to walk without falling over, you decided to go outside and get some fresh air. You sat yourself down near the fence, watching the walkers hopeless bite at the air, their groans covering any thoughts you had. You hadn’t realised how long it had been since you had felt the fresh breeze on your face. You closed your eyes and imagined the world before all of this. Back when you didn’t have to worry about your psycho boss trying to kill you, when you didn’t have walkers around every corner. You sighed, feeling how heavy you felt, finally allowing the weight of the world to rest on your shoulders. You were so lost in your world you didn’t even realise that someone had come and sat down beside you.  
“Hey stranger.” You snapped out of your world and looked at the stranger sat beside you. It took you a minute before you realised who it was. _Adam. From the runs._  
“Hi Adam,” you gave him a weak smile. In all fairness, you’d never really spoke to him. He was always on runs with you, but you were under Negan’s charge. You never had to go and ransack the house, never actually do anything on the runs apart from protect Negan from getting his ass handed to him, though many times you would have loved to have done that yourself.  
“Where have you been? Was starting to think you’d done a runner on us all. Haven’t seen you about in weeks.” He nudged you with his shoulder, flashing you a smile. You’d never really noticed Adam before, but looking at him now you don’t know how you’d missed him. His short brown hair was messy, but it suited him that way, stumble covered his cheeks and chin, his lips were just the right size, you could definitely imagine kissing them, and his eyes. How had you never noticed his eyes. They were the brightest green you’d ever seen, they practically glowed as the sun shone on them.  
“Hey,” he nudged you again. You’d got so lost in your thoughts you realised you’d never answered him.  
“Sorry, I…I just…” You couldn’t tell him what had really happened. That Negan had locked you in a cell and left you to die all because you’d been trying to defend him from his whore of a wife, “I’ve not been well, been pretty bad actually.” You show him the cannula, still in your arm from where your IV had been placed.  
“Fucking shit, well I’m glad you’re better now,” he put an arm around you and gave you a squeeze. You rested you head on his shoulder, realising how much energy the trip down to the fence had taken out of you, realising how much you had missed human contact, how much you missed Negan. _No, I don’t miss him. He tried to kill me. I fucking hate him_ You’re not sure how long you and Adam sat there talking, but it gave you an odd comfort. You’d never spoken to him at all really but the conversation just flowed so easily. You didn’t feel awkward or like you were treading on eggshells. Not like with Negan. There was something about Adam, you just couldn’t put your finger on it. You only realised how long you’d been sat there when Adam mentioned getting some food. You hadn’t eaten properly in weeks and you weren’t sure your stomach would be able to handle a full meal, but you agreed to go to the food hall with him. You gripped onto his arm as you both walked down to the food hall. He walked slow, asking every few minutes if you were alright, if he was walking too fast. You laughed every time and told him to stop worrying. 

In the food hall he sat you down at a table and then went off to get you both something to eat. You kept your head low, not sure what Negan had told all the others, if he’d told them anything at all, but you could feel people’s eyes boring into you. You looked an absolute mess, you knew that, and you knew more than half the people in this compound had never seen you in this state. Your hair was knotted and messy hanging down in your face, you wore grey jogging bottoms and a black tank top, your black hoodie smothered you, always two sizes too big, the hood half covering the mess of your hair. You hadn’t looked in a mirror for weeks but you guessed there wasn’t much difference between you and the walkers on the fence, only that you were breathing. Adam came back, carrying two trays. He slid one over to you and smiled. You smiled back looking down at the tray. _Chocolate cake_. You mouth was watering just looking at it. You grab the spoon and take a huge mouthful, the rush instantly kicking in. You didn’t realise the moan that escaped you lips as you tasted the warm chocolate.  
“Jesus Y/N, if that’s the noise you make eating food, I’d love to hear what you sound like in bed,” he laughed and gave you a cheeky wink. You instantly blush and give a nervous smile back.  
“Sorry, I…I haven’t eaten for weeks.”  
You both laughed and spent the next half hour talking and eating. It was strange how the conversation never ran out. You didn’t feel as though he was getting annoyed with you, as if he wanted you to just shut up, for the most part it was him doing the talking and you didn’t mind one bit. As you were both laughing, you suddenly realised everyone dropping to their knees. You looked towards the door and there you saw him. _Negan_. Surrounded by his wives, Amber hanging onto his right arm, her pathetic fake laughs echoing throughout the food hall. The grip on your spoon tightened and you looked down at your tray, not wanting to see any of them. The anger was building up, making you feel physically sick. It was like a bad smell had immediately overtaken the room and now you couldn’t breathe. Negan’s eyes locked straight onto you his face twisted in annoyance at seeing you out of your room without him permission. He walked straight past your table, Amber nudging you as they went past. They sat two tables away from you, but Negan had made sure to position himself right in your line of fire. You could see him over Adam’s shoulder, eyes fixed on you, burning a hole in you. You tried to focus on Adam but all your mind was set on was Negan. This man had treated you like shit, chose his lying wife over you so why were you so hooked on him? Jealousy was consuming your body, threatening to overspill as you watched Amber drape herself over him, playing with his hair. _He hates that_. Sure enough, he whacked her hand away. She proceeded to rub her hands over him, touching the places you had touched, caressing the spots you’d kissed. You couldn’t take it anymore. You slammed your spoon down on the table and stood up. Negan sat bolt up, staring at you, Amber laughing by his side.  
“I’m sorry Adam, I don’t feel too great, I’m gonna go back” Adam jumped up and ran to your side, hooking his arm around you.  
“Come on, I’ll walk you back. Don’t want you doing any more damage to yourself on the way back,” He laughed and you rested your weight against him, giving Negan one last stern look as you walked out. You hear Negan slam his fist on the table as you walked out. You couldn’t help but feel a little victory, knowing that seeing you out an about without him, with someone else, had obviously wound him up a bit. 

The walk back to your room was slow, it took every ounce of energy in your not to just give up for the night and collapse in the corridor, but Adam held you up all the way. You realised he didn’t know where your room was, and you got more and more nervous as you drew closer, wondering if he knew that it was right next to Negan’s.  
“This is me,” you leaned against the door, a slight relief that in just a couple of steps you’d be able to collapse on your bed for the rest of the night. Adam stood there in front of you, towering over you. Everyone in this place just made you feel so small all the time.  
“Damn. I didn’t know you lived with Negan’s wives, I mean, I guessed you’d have somewhere fancy here but never imagined you up here with them. You’re not…you know,” You let out a sarcastic laugh.  
“No. I definitely am not one of his wives. Wouldn’t let the creep touch me in a million years,” But you had let him touch you, he’d been everywhere, exploring the most intimate parts of your body. You felt sick thinking about it. You felt dirty again. “I guess it’s just cuz I was here first. First pick of the rooms and that.”  
“That’s good. Like, really good,” He leans in to you, his arm propped by the side of your head, “means I can get away with doing this,” and with that he leans in and presses his lips to yours. Soft, slow, sweet. The exact opposite of Negan. His thumb strokes along your jaw line, coming to rest on your lips as he pulls away, “I’ll come get you in the morning for breakfast, okay?” You’re in total shock. All you can do is nod, no words manage to escape your mouth. He smiles as he leaves you, walking back down the corridor. You stand at your door for a minute, still not able to fully believe what had just happened. You’d never spoken to this man before, you did opposite things on the runs, but by a stroke of…luck…he had found you today, made you laugh, looked after you. You fumbled with your door when you heard someone else coming up the corridor. It was Negan. You could tell his walk a mile off. You slammed the door shut and fell on the floor. The sudden rush taking the last bit of energy you had. You sat on the floor for a moment, listening to his footsteps. They thudded up to your door and paused. _Please don’t knock, please don’t knock_. You held your breath, waiting for him to carry on. After a few seconds, he did and you let out a huge sigh of relief. You didn’t want to speak to him, you didn’t even want to look at him. The whole thought of him was making you feel dirty, unclean. He’d got inside your head, manipulated you into thinking you wanted him, only to toss you aside as if you were a piece of trash. You had to get clean. You walked straight to the bathroom, making sure Negan’s door was shut. You stripped off your clothes, looking at yourself in the mirror. Your body was covered in bruises, cuts, grazes, all from where you’d threw yourself around in the cell. Your ribs were poking out underneath your breast, your hip joints threatening to break through your skin. Your eyes were sunken, black circles surrounding your eyes. You’d never worried too much about make up in the apocalypse but you thought you could definitely use some now. You climbed into the shower, turning it on. The hot water beat down on your back. You stood in there, just letting the water wash away these past few weeks. You were washing Negan off your body, out of your mind. You were done with him now. This whole arrangement had been a mistake. One horrible mistake. You lathered your hair up with the shampoo, the smell providing an odd comfort, reminding you of home, before the outbreak. You lost track of how long you stood in that shower, the water easing your muscles. You turned the shower off and grabbed your towel, wrapping yourself up and stepping out. You nearly screamed when you saw Negan lent against the sink.  
“What the fuck is your problem? You ever heard of privacy.” You shot him daggers. He immediately made your whole body tense back up.  
“Well, I’ve not fucking seen you for a while doll,” his eyes dragged their way from your feet, slowly working their way up your body, “thought I’d see how you were doing.” You shifted uncomfortably under his gaze.  
“That’s none of your business Negan. I told you, just leave me alone.” He took a step towards you and you stepped back, almost tripping over the edge of the shower.  
“Well, I hate to break it to you shit for brains, but you’re still my fucking right hand gun. You don’t get to call the shots round here, I do. And seeing as you’re feeling so much better, you can come out on the run tomorrow,” He carried on walking towards you until you were backed up against the shower wall, “you and you’re new boyfriend.”  
“He’s not my boyfriend Negan. He’s being a friend. You know, something that you wouldn’t know two fucking shits about.” Negan has you pinned against the wall. His whole body pressing against yours. If it wasn’t for the adrenaline rush you were sure you’d be on the floor again. His breath was warm against your face.  
“You know doll, you’re really ungrateful. All the things I’ve done for you. Kept you safe. Provided for you,” you feel his hand start sliding up your thigh, higher and higher, “Kept you satisfied.” You give him a hard shove but he barely even moves. He just gives that low, patronising laugh.  
“Fuck you Negan,” he comes close to your lips, you could practically feel them touching.  
“You already did that doll, but if your fucking offering again,” he forces his lips to yours. There’s nothing passionate, nothing nice about this kiss. It’s cold, hard, unforgiving. He grabs your thigh hard, his fingers digging in to the soft skin there, making you shrink under his grasp. You try to speak but his mouth is hard against yours, forcing his way into your mouth when you try to speak. You struggle underneath him, managing to tear your lips away from him.  
“Negan, please….stop,” Normally the scratch of his salt and pepper beard excited you, made you want him, but now it only made you more repulsed, it hurt as it dragged along the bare skin on our shoulder, “Negan, please,” your voice cracked, tears were pricking your eyes. You didn’t want to be weak under him but you just didn’t have any fight left in you. He stops and looks at you, the tears staining your face.  
“Seriously doll? So that’s it now? You won’t even let me fucking touch you without breaking down?” He lets you go and backs away.  
“I’m just tired Negan…please. I don’t…I can’t do this anymore.” You sink to the floor, unable to hold yourself up anymore, the tears falling hard down your face. He grabs a towel off the sick and throws it at you.  
“Sort your fucking self out doll. You’re a fucking mess.” He turns and walks out the bathroom. Your body shakes as you’re finally able to breathe, the sobs radiating from your body. You get up and look at yourself in the mirror. You face is blotchy and red, your eyes swollen. You take yourself to bed, determined not let Negan and his pathetic ways break you. He’s worn you down, but you are not gonna break under him. _You are stronger than this._ You fall into bed, burying your head under the covers, and it isn’t long before sleep overtakes you.


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The reader grows closer to Adam, much to the distaste of Negan. It's time to make a decision, one that doesn't have a happy ending for Negan.

You awoke the next morning with your skin still crawling from Negan’s touch. He lingered at the front of your thoughts, you could still taste his harsh kiss on your lips. You tried to push past Negan, forcing your mind to wander to Adam. You still had your breakfast plans to look forwards to. _If he actually shows up_. You weren’t holding your breath. You were used to men letting you down. You decided to get up and get ready anyway, either way you were still going on a run today and you would still need the energy from breakfast to keep you going. You climbed out of bed and opened the curtains, letting the early morning sun shine in. You stood there, eyes closed, letting the sun beat down on you through the window. You stood there for a moment, eyes closed, loosing yourself momentarily in the light that was shining through your window, when a small noise bought you back to earth. You opened your eyes and looked around your room. Nothing had moved, everything was still as it was when your eyes shut. You furrowed your brows, scanning the room again. Then you heard it again. You walked towards the bathroom, where the noise was coming from. You reached for the handle but then stopped, your hand hovering over the handle. _What if it’s Negan?_ You weren’t in any mood to go on a run with him, let alone face him first thing in the morning. You stood there listening, trying to track the movements. You breathed a sigh of relief as you heard the shower turn on. You walk over to your dresser and pull out some black jeans and a white vest top. You slipped on some clean underwear, your black bra and the clothes. You tied your hair up in a ponytail and stood for a minute, staring at yourself in the mirror. Your eyes were still sunken, your skin still dull. You looked like you hadn’t slept in weeks. You rummaged around in your drawers, looking for something to make you look a little less dead than you felt. You found an old bottle of foundation and some mascara. _Fuck it_ , anything to make you look a little better. You pop some foundation on, trying your best to cover the dark circles around your eyes, then pop some mascara on. You look at yourself again. _Not brilliant, but it’ll do. At least I don’t look as awful as yesterday_. Just as you were finding out your boots there was a knock at your door. All of a sudden you feel yourself breaking out in a sweat, butterflies fluttering in your stomach. For the first time in ages you were nervous, but a good nervous. You took a deep breath as you opened the door, a smile plastering your face as soon as you saw Adam standing there.  
“Wow…look at you…” He leans in and kiss you on the cheek, your face burning up from his kiss, “You look fantastic.” You smiles and feel the heat rising in your cheeks, trying your hardest not to turn a deeper shade of red.  
“Thanks. Umm….do you want to come in? I just need to get my shoes on and then I’m ready to go.” You stand aside, smiling, and let him in. He smiles at you as he walks in, spinning round to look at you as he does.  
“Wow….who did you have to sleep with to get a room like this? This is fucking awesome.” You bite your lip, annoyed with him for thinking you had to sleep with someone to get this room. He looks at you and you give him a sheepish smile, hoping he didn’t see the annoyance on your face. He smiles and walks straight for you, grabbing your face with both his hands and bringing your lips to his. His kiss is deep, you can feel it consuming you. You hold on to his wrists, trying to steady yourself, your head swimming, lost in the kiss. But in your head it isn’t Adam kissing you. Thoughts of Negan immediately rush to the front of your mind, thinking of the first time he kissed you like this in the car. Thinking of his rough beard scratching against your face, his heavy hands on your face. You hated that man, yet here you were, in the midst of this soft, passionate kiss and all you could think about was Negan. You imagined it was Negan stood there, kissing you, caressing your face. You hated him so much but there was nothing you wanted more than to be touched by him again. Adam was nice, but he didn’t give you that electric jolt what Negan did every time he touched you. You felt alive when Negan touched you, like no one had ever touched you before, like he was the first person to ever touch your body. You’re not sure how long you stood there with Adam but you forced yourself to open to your eyes, to face the reality in front of you. _This is not Negan. This isn’t him_. You pulled back slightly and Adam’s hands dropped. His lips left yours and he opened his eyes, yet again you being hypnotised by how green they were, shining like emeralds.  
“You look so fucking sexy when you bite your lip,” he smiles pressing his forehead to yours. You can’t help but smile at his words. Even though you didn’t feel it at all, no one had called you sexy in such a long time, the word sounded foreign to you now. You leave him, going to sit on your bed to put your boots on. He stands there, leaning again your drawers, watching you. You hear movement in the bathroom again and jolt up.  
“Come on, let’s go,” you grab your jacket off the floor and drag Adam out of your room.  
“Do you have your own bathroom? That shit is so cool, who do you share with?” Adam looks behind him as you drag him out of the room.  
“No one, just the girl next door, come on or we won’t get any breakfast.” You were sure you’d heard your bathroom door open as you had rushed out of your room, but you weren’t stopped around for Negan to see Adam in your room.

You sit at the table with Adam, laughing and eating your breakfast. You’re so focused on Adam you don’t acknowledge Negan walking into the food hall and walking straight for your table. You jump when you see Lucille come crashing down on the table, inches away from your face. Adam drops back off his chair and falls to his knees at Negan’s side. You sit there, tensed watching Adam and then turning to Negan. A huge, smug smile was spread across his face and he winked at you. You rolled your eyes at his and shake your head. He leans forward on the table, leaning close to your face.  
“My favourite girl all ready to get back out there?” You look over at Adam, who raises his head slightly to look at you. He gives you a little smile and you smile back hoping Negan doesn’t notice. Negan looks from you to Adam and back to you. He lets out that sarcastic slow laugh and you furrow your brows at him. “You got 10 fucking minutes. Do not make me have to come back in here and have to drag your sorry ass out.” He grabs Lucille and walks off, everyone dropping to their knees again as he passes. Adam gets back up and sits at the table.  
“Favourite girl huh?” He raises his eyebrow at you, taking a sip of his drink.  
“He’s an asshole,” you shake your head, finishing off your food. You both get u and make your way out to the front for the run.

You can see everyone stood there waiting as you make your way down. Your eyes are drawn straight to Negan, his leather jacket making him stick out like a sore thumb, Lucille resting up on his shoulder. Your grip on your own bat tightens as you walk down towards them. Adam places his hand on the small of your back and you jump a mile, pushing his hand a way.  
“Sorry Adam…I….just not here, not in front of them.”  
“What is he? Your dad or something?” Adam looks at you puzzled.  
“Something…Just not in front of them, please.” You hang your head down. You didn’t want to admit to him that it was because of Negan. You thought back to what had happened last time another man laid hands on you. You flinched as you remember the pain you had endured that morning. A shout interrupted your train of thought and you saw Simon jogging towards you.  
“Y/N! You coming with us today??” Simon picked you up and a tight hug. You wrapped your arms around his neck, laughing, remembering how good it feels to have a proper hug. Simon puts you down and looks over at Adam, his face hardening slightly.  
“Go on. Dwight will brief you.” Simon gestures for Adam to leave and he looks over at you, frowning.  
“Yes boss,” he gives you one last look and walks over to everyone waiting. You go to walk over to but Simon grabs you by the wrist, stopping you. You turn to him, confused.  
“Please tell me you are not fucking with him,” You can see the concern in his eyes. His plea confuses you even more.  
“What? Simon what are you on about?”  
“I saw him sniffing round you yesterday, getting all close. Y/N don’t be fucking stupid. I know what Negan did to you before. After we…” He stops as he sees your face drop. _Simon knows? He knows what Negan did _. You yank your wrist away from him.__  
“I can take care of myself Simon.”  
“I know you can. Just be careful. I don’t trust the guy. There’s something not right with him.” You roll your eyes at Simon.  
“I’m a big girl, I can take care of myself.” You turn and leave him, walking down to the group of others. Negan spots you straight away, he walks over to his truck and opens the door for you.  
“Get in doll face,” he smiles at you holding the door open, you glare at him, letting him know that you won’t be wrapped round his finger any longer, “please.”  
You reluctantly climb in the truck and Negan slams the door behind you. You look over to everyone else climbing in their trucks and spot Adam, climbing in the back of Dwight’s car. You watch as Simon corners him against the car, obviously saying some harsh words to him. You catch Adam’s eye, he stares at you over Simon’s shoulder. You smile at you and you smile back, wondering if he can even really see your face. A sharp slap on your thigh brings you back to reality. You look over at Negan, his wide grin meeting your gaze. You don’t even bother to slap his hand away, you know it will only make him tease you more. You just turn back to the window, watching the others climb in the cars. Adam is now in the car. Negan starts the car and speeds off, leaving the other to trail out of the compound.

Negan had been driving for a while when he finally broke the silence between you two.  
“So who was in your room this morning?”  
“Excuse me?” Your heart skipped a beat, had Negan seen Adam in your room?  
“You fucking heard me doll. Don’t make me ask twice.”  
“No one was in my room. You must be getting delusional in your old age.” You smiled to yourself at that little dig.  
“Not too old to get in between those sweet little thighs though,” you shake your head at him. You were tired of his little games now. You were still raging inside that he’d left you in that cell for so long.  
“Yeah well, that’s fucking over now.”  
“Excuse you, what did you just say?” You could see his grip on the steering wheel tightening.  
“It’s over Negan. What we were doing, what we did. It’s over.” He looks over to you, raising his eyebrows, a sarcastic smile escaping his lips.  
“Is that so?”  
“You nearly killed me Negan! Since I came here, all I’ve done is protect you, Amber fucking lied to you, she…”  
“That is not your problem sweet cheeks.”  
“But it is Negan! It is when I’m the one…when I’m…” Your words trailed off. What were you trying to say? _When I’m the one in your bed._ You shook your head at yourself. _There’s five other women in that bed too_.  
“Were you jealous baby girl?” He rubs his salt and pepper beard, his brown eyes burning a hole in you.  
“Don’t be so fucking stupid,” But you were. You didn’t want anyone to have a piece of him like that. You had been there the longest, you were his original girl. You hated to admit it but he was right. You were jealous. You’d never admit it to him, never let him see your weakness, but over the past months you had become insanely jealous that any of these women were even in Negan’s life. That’s why you had to distant yourself from him, as hard as that was in this world. You were his bodyguard, but you couldn’t be his lover too. He’d clearly shown you your place by locking you in that cell. Whatever this was between you needed to finish. It was getting in your head too much. This man, this monster, was overtaking your mind, consuming you, and you needed to be free of him.  
“You really want this to be over? Us? Me fucking your brains out round every corner?” The thought still sent shockwaves through your body.  
“Yes Negan. I promised I would protect you and I will. But everything else stops…right now.” You crossed your arms. You couldn’t let yourself back out of this deal.  
“Fine. You’re still mine though. Remember that. No one touches you but me.” You let out a sarcastic laugh.  
“No Negan, that part of the deal is over too.” He laughs, and you suddenly feel cold.  
“Doll, you promised. I’d hate to see you end up back in that fucking hole. Besides, who you gonna fuck? Your new friend over there,” he gestures to the cars coming up the road behind you, “I know he was in your room this morning and so fucking help me girl, if he steps in there one more time, Lucille’s gonna be paying him a little visit.” Your blood boiled. You could say nothing back to him. If Negan couldn’t have you, then no one could. You were sure he was doing this just to torture you. You spent the rest of the car ride in silence, Negan’s words still burning fire inside of you. 

There was nothing special about the run. It was the usual stuff, you bashed a few walkers, scavenged some stuff, stealing a bottle of whiskey for yourself. The whole of the scavenge you could feel Negan and Adam’s eyes on you, like they were taking it in turns to burn wholes through your body. Despite your talk with Negan, he still continued his bravado in front of the others, occasionally slapping your ass as you searched through rooms, rubbing his hand up your back. He knew it wound you up, and every time he looked in Adam’s direction, ensuring that he saw every single time. You managed to get away from Negan for bit, walking into a room just off from the main warehouse. A walker stood in the corner and you took your bat to it, splattering brains up the wall, the black blood splattering on your white top.  
“Now, that was fucking hot,” you spin round to see Adam standing in the doorway, watching you.  
“Adam,” He walks towards you, placing his hands on your hips, planting a kiss on your cheek, and then slowly working his way down your neck, “Adam, stop, what if someone sees.” He pulls back and looks at you, half smiling, his green eyes staring into yours.  
“What’s the deal with you and Negan?” Before you can answer, his voice echoes throughout the room.  
“She is my fucking right hand girl, and I don’t need morons like you distracting her from doing her fucking job,” you both turn and see Negan standing there, leaning against the door frame, Lucille pointed at you both. Adam immediately lets go off your waist and drops to his knees, apologising over and over again. You roll your eyes at the ridiculous charade, you’d grown tired of the kneeling and the walking around like Negan was a god. You were over it now. “Get the fuck out.” Adam rushed out the room, lowering his head and he stumbled past Negan. He walks in the room, circling round you, like a shark waiting to attack. He comes to stop in front of you, he presses Lucille against your chin, forcing you to raise your head to look at him, the wire on Lucille digging into your chin, stinging. You look into his now black eyes, you can see the anger behind them. It’s rare that Negan scares you, but when he’s in this mood you can never predict what he’s going to do. He lets out a moan and you can hear him clicking his tongue. “I swear doll, you are going to be the fucking death of me. First Simon….then that piece of shit…You really like pushing my fucking buttons don’t you?”  
“Negan…please…” Your voice shakes slightly and you hate yourself for it, you know Negan senses it straight away as that sick smile appears on his face.  
“Oh doll…don’t pretend to be scared of me. You’re not like that. You’re not fucking weak.” You let a small smile slip across your lips and his words. _Does he really think that?_. “You are a fucking badass. You are up on my level. Don’t fucking sink down to these assholes level,” his face inches closer to yours, you can feel his breath on your lips. Every inch of your body is wanting to grab him, to touch him, to feel him inside you once again, but your mind holds you back, forcing you to remember what he did to you, “This is your last chance, cuz you know I don’t like repeating myself. Do you really want this to be over?” You stare at him, your breath quickening, sweat breaking out all over your body. It takes everything in your body to force the words out of your mouth.  
“It’s over.”  
Negan sighs, letting Lucille drop from your chin. You feel a trickle of blood make it’s way down your neck. You take a deep breath as he steps back, like he’d sucked all of the oxygen out of the room and now it was finally rushing back in. He stands there, swinging Lucille back and forth, licking his lips. You can’t help but watch his tongue trace over them, that familiar heat rising in you.  
“Well I’m not gonna lie, I am fucking disappointed. Shit, I ain’t never had a lay as good as you, gonna have to go back to my boring ass wives,” he lets out another sigh, “doll, if you ever fucking change my mind…our rooms are connected,” he winks at you and you feel your legs start to go weak, “Come on, let’s get out of here, you could use a fucking shower.” He turns his back to you and walks out of the room, motioning for you to follow him. You immediately follow, not wanting to anger him more than you probably already had. As everyone climbs back into the cars, Adam meets your gaze. You see him mouth something to you, something along the lines of ‘are you ok’, well, at least that’s what you make it out to be. You nod at him and give him a smile and to your relief he smiles back and winks at you. You climb into Negan’s car and rest back, closing your eyes. You finally felt a bit of pressure released off your shoulders. You no longer had to worry about Negan jumping you every two minutes, although you weren’t going to lie, you were definitely gonna miss it, but you couldn’t forgive what he had done to you, he’d crossed that line. Negan climbs in and throws Lucille on your knee, making you jump. You grab it, and then close your eyes again, letting the vibrations of the car relax you as Negan drives back to The Sanctuary. 

Later that night you are sat in your room with your pyjama shorts and t-shirt on, drinking your stolen whiskey and looking out the window onto the compound. You preferred it at night time, it hid the monsters that were only hiding on the other side of the fence. You sat there taking it all in when you started to hear a familiar noise you’d not heard for a while. A banging was making its way into your room. You turned around and stared at the wall. It was coming from Negan’s room. You stay still, just listening, and then you heard the all too familiar sounds of a woman’s moans echoing through your room. _Oh fuck sake_. You shake your head as you sit there, your room being filled by Negan’s antics next door. You down the rest of your glass of whiskey, chucked your boots on, grabbed you jacket and the bottle and walked out the room, not even bothering to lock your door. You just walked down corridor after corridor, walking as far away from that room as you could get until eventually you found yourself stood in front of a battered wooden door. Your hands shook as you knocked on the door. You heard movement behind it, and then the clicking of locks. The door slows opens and you smile, holding up the whiskey.  
“Can I come in?”  
“Sure…” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I REALLY want people's input on this!! Where do you want to see this little thing with Adam go?? Do you want it to be good....or bad?? Bearing in mind whichever way we go, there will be consequences for Negan! Look forward to hearing what you all say!


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Adam's true colours are finally revealed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this has taken longer than usual to come! I've been really busy with work and literally could not decided which way to go with Adam, but now I've done it! >_< hope you enjoy

Adam smiles at you as you pass him the bottle of whiskey, walking past him into his room. You looked around, realising how much smaller than yours it was. It was barely half the size of your room. He didn’t have a bathroom, or a sofa, hell, he had a single bed and that was about it. You caught Adam looking at you as you examined his room.  
“Yeah, sorry it’s not as fancy as your room,” you shook your head, hearing the slight annoyance in his voice. You walked towards him and grabbed his hand.  
“I didn’t come here to see your room, I came to see you. I just…I needed to get out,” you shift under his gaze. You look him up and down, realising you must have woken him up. His bed was a mess, he only had boxers on, you couldn’t stop your eyes from wandering over his defined shoulders, wandering down his chiselled chest, wandering to the edge of his boxers, “I just need somewhere to stay, just for tonight.”  
He smiles at you, pulling you towards him, placing his lips against yours. You placed your hand on his bare chest, hoping the extra intimacy would bring the electricity you so desperately craved, but there was nothing. You pulled away and went and sat on his bed, realising how small it was compared to yours. He walked over to the bed, climbing under the blanket and gesturing for you to follow him. You look at him and smile, turning around to take your shoes and jacket off. You stand up ready to climb in.  
“You getting in with them on too? It gets really hot in here,” he nods to your pyjamas, winking at you. You look down, a sudden wave of nerves coming over you. It wasn’t like you’d never been naked with a guy, but you did really like Adam, you were sober…and he wasn’t Negan. You shakily slid down your pyjama shorts, letting them fall to the floor. You could feel Adam’s eye examining every inch of your exposed body. You hesitate for a second, but decide against taking your top off and slide in the bed next to Adam. Your whole body is tense as you press against him, trying to fit in the bed beside him. He laughs, taking a mouthful of whiskey and then passing the bottle to you. With each sip of whiskey you felt yourself relax more and more. Intimacy wasn’t your thing, especially when sober. You were breaking out in a hot sweat just being this close to Adam. The only other person you’d been this close to sober was…. _No_. You pushed Negan out of your mind. He wasn’t your problem anymore. You weren’t sure how long you and Adam laid in that bed, talking, drinking, but eventually it all blurred as your eyes became too heavy and sleep finally pulled you under.

You woke with a start when you realised you were struggling to breathe. You weren’t sure how long you’d been asleep but the sun was shining through the ripped and damaged curtains barely covering the windows. Adam was on top of you, the smell of whiskey still strong on his breath. Your head was spinning, unable to focus on anything specific, the room feeling as if it was sending you into a freefall. Adam’s weight was crushing on top of you. His hand covered the whole bottom half of your face, partially blocking your nose, making it hard for you to breathe, the weight on your chest not allowing you to fill your lung properly. You tried to speak but you could barely open your mouth, let alone force any sort of noise out of it. Adam had it clamped shut. You struggled underneath him, desperately trying to push him off, but it was no use. He was too strong for you and the mix of alcohol had made you weak and disorientated. You could feel the tears filling your eyes, your stomach turning as Adam’s hand made its way down your side, and then up under your top. You felt the sickness rising in you as he touched your bare skin, your body writhing with each glide of his fingers. You felt his hand rising up, and the tears fell from your eyes when he grabbed your breast hard, pushing your top up out of the way to expose your chest to him. Your body began to shake from the sobs yours body was struggling to hold in. You’d never felt so helpless in your life, Simon had warned you about Adam, _Why didn’t I listen? Someone please help me!_ As his hand crept lower down your body, you used all your strength to fight against him. His fingers hooked onto your knickers, trying to yank them down your leg. He loosens the grip on your face as he fumbles with your underwear so you take your chance and sink your teeth into his hand, immediately feeling blood spurt into your mouth. Adam yells and as you push him off and try to roll off the bed. You scream as loud as you can manage hoping that someone will hear you. He grabs you by the throat and pins you back down to the bed.  
“You fucking bitch!”  
You barely register what he says as his fist connects with the side of your face. Pain erupts around your eye and cheek, your head swimming, your vision blurred. You use the tiny amount of air in your lungs to try and plead with him, begging him to let you go. You feel something warm trickle down your face. _Blood_. He pulls your underwear and you feel them tear beneath his strength. You can feel yourself losing consciousness, his grip on your throat never wavering.  
“You fucking Saviour bitches are all the same. You fucking drops your pants in the blink of an eye for Simon and them lot but come to us fucking skivvys and you don’t wanna know,” He pounds his fist into the side of your face again, shockwaves being sent all through your body, you can’t control the sobs escaping your lips now, “I really fucking liked you Y/N, but you fucking come here in the middle of the night, fucking tease me in this shit,” He rips your underwear from your body and throws them to the floor, “You should have listened to Simon when he warned you about me.” You let out a muffled scream as you felt him sink in fingers into you. You cry out no as he laughs above you, your body squirming under him. _God, please help me! Negan….please Negan_. You focused on him. It was all you could do to try and pull yourself out of this situation. Every inch of your skin was crawling, you felt violated, dirty. The smell of whiskey surrounded you. For the first time in a long while, you felt helpless. Just when you were ready to give up hope of this ever ending, there was loud, panicked knocking on the door and the sound of someone shouting. It snapped you back to reality and you tried to scream as loud as you could.  
“Shut the fuck up!”  
Adam’s fist came pounding on your face, hit and hit. You were dazed, unable to even see now, pain pulsating all through your head and body. You grabbed at you throat as he finally let go of you, coughing as you tried to take in as much air as possible. You rolled over trying to crawl off the bed as Adam went over to the door. You couldn’t really focus on anything but you heard shouting, you tried to focus on the voices. _Simon_. Before you knew it, you were screaming Simon’s name. You made out the shape of someone falling and someone scooped you up in their arms and rushed out of the room with you. You tried to keep your eyes open, tried to focus on who was carrying you, but it was all too much. Your head was pounding, and your blurry vision wasn’t helping you in the slightest. You closed your eyes and just wished and prayed that this had all been a dream.

You scrunched your face up as the bright lights stung your eyes. You realised you were in a bed, but not your bed. _Was I really dreaming?_ You tried to sit up but pain immediately erupted in the side of your face. You groaned and laid back on the pillow. _Obviously not a dream then_. Tears filled your eyes as you thought of what Adam had done to you. You closely your eyes, refusing to let anymore tears fall over him. You felt someone grab your hand and you forced opened your eyes to see who it was. As soon as you saw his face, you whole body fell apart and tears began to fall down your face. Of all the people in the world, you never expect it to be Negan who was sat at your bed side. He pulled you into a tight hug, his head resting on top of yours, his arms squeezing you as if it was the last time he was going to see you. You buried your face in his white tshirt, your hands gripping tightly to him. You tried to stop yourself from crying but the more you thought of things, the more you realised it was Negan sat here with you, holding you, it just made the sob come more and more. Negan did nothing to shush you, he just held you tight while you let it all out. 

When the tears had ran out, you finally pulled away from Negan. He looked at you and wipes you tears away. You couldn’t bring yourself to look at him, instead you just stared at the wet patch on his tshirt, a wave of guilt instantly washing over you.  
“You gonna tell me what happened? I already know this had something to do with that piece of shit Adam.” His voice was softer than usual, but you could still hear the anger behind it.  
“I…I can’t…I…” You hated yourself for not being able to speak. You hated feeling this weak, but Adam had took something away from you. You were betrayed and abused by him. Negan grabbed your hand and held onto it. The sudden touch made you jump, but you let him keep hold, his touch keeping you grounded.  
“Well Y/N, I’m gonna tell you what I know okay? And we’ll take it from there.” You nod at him, although you didn’t want to relive any of what had just happened. “Right, people told Simon they heard screams coming from that shithead’s room. Simon turns up and can hear screaming too., so he bangs on and Adam answers the door, only fucking problem is his hand’s all busted up and who should Simon hear fucking shouting his name but you. So obviously, Simon gives that fucker a nice swing to the face, well deserved I’d say after the state of yours. There you are on the bed, face beaten to a fucking pulp, shit doll, the only thing you got on your body is a torn fucking top. So Simon scooped you up, brought you here to Doc and came and found me. Now the only thing I’m trying to work out, although I got a _real good guess_ , is what happened.” You felt numb hearing him recite what had happened. It was Simon that saved you. You lifted your hand to feel how swollen your face was, your eye was almost swollen shut.  
“Negan…I…” You could feel your heart beating in your throat, the nerves shaking your whole body. Negan shushed you.  
“Now doll, I’m gonna ask you and you just shake your head or nod okay?” You nod your head, a panic beginning to build inside of you.  
“Did he force you?” You bite your lip, hating every second of this, but you nod, wanting to just get this over and done with. You notice Negan’s jaw tighten.  
“Did he touch you?” You didn’t even realise you’d tightened your grip on Negan’s hand. It was all he needed. He jumped from the bed, ripping his hand from yours and slamming it into the wall. The sudden outburst made you cower, you gripped the blanket covering you, pulling it up as though it would offer some invisible protection from the anger radiating from Negan. He came straight for you, grabbing both your arms. You flinched under his harsh grasp.  
“Why? Why did you go to him? Why didn’t you just stay in your room? Simon told you!! He told you what he was!!”  
“He…He didn’t tell me. He just told me…he told me to just be careful.” _Did Negan tell Simon to warn me? Did he know what he was?_. “Did you know? Did he you know he was…” The look in Negan’s eyes told you all you needed to know. You push him off you and instantly your fist crashes into his jaw, knocking him backwards. “THIS WAS YOUR FAULT!! YOU COULD HAVE STOPPED THIS NEGAN!! WHY? WHY DID YOU LET HIM IN?!” Your throat hurt, but you couldn’t stop yourself from yelling at Negan. Why did he let this rapist in? Negan was just stood there, rubbing his beard, not saying anything. “Tell me Negan. Why did you do it? Why is he even here?” Negan looked at you and then back to the floor.  
“A few months back, Simon and some others took out a load of Claimers. You know the kind. Well, they bought Adam back here for information. Turns out, he spilled everything to us, gave us everything we wanted to know and he wanted a way out, so we gave him the choice. We kill him or he can work for us, on the condition that he stays away from the women. So, he started working for us. As soon as I saw him around you I told Simon to get you away from him, I hoped you’d listen but I should have known you were too headstrong.” The rage built up inside of you.  
“No Negan, don’t you dare try to blame this on me. _You_ let him in here. _You_ let a rapist into our community. Because of _your_ decision, this happened.” You throw the blanket off of your legs. Despite it only being a few hours the deep purple bruises were already staining between your legs. You shakily stood up and walked to Negan, your hand forcing his face to look at your beaten and bruised body. “All of this was because of you Negan.” You could see his eyes darken, and what was that? Were those tears forming in his eyes? He quickly spun round and walked out of the clinic, leaving you alone. You stood there, battered and sore, alone yet again. Before you even knew what was happening, the rage had bubbled over, fully consuming you in that moment. You felt all the anger since the start of the outbreak being released. Every single thing that had upset you since the start was pouring out of you now. You couldn’t stop yourself. You threw everything your hands came into contact with. The medical trolley, the tools, the bed. Everything was thrown around the room and you just collapsed on the floor in floods of tears. You just sat there, your head in your hands, consumed with this anger. 

You weren’t sure how long you sat there, you only came back to your senses when you heard the door opening, the clattering of medical equipment on the floor.  
“Y/N?” _Simon_. He bent down to you and you dived on him, wrapping your arms around his neck and burying your face in his neck. He wrapped his arms around you, standing up and pulling you to your feet. He lifts your head to get a proper look at you. “Y/N you look a fucking mess. Come on, we got to get you dressed. There’s something you need to do.” You didn’t have the energy to argue with him. He’d bought you a pair of jeans, a black tshirt and clean underwear. You slipped them on, feeling the aching on your legs and throat as you moved around. Your head pounding at each movement. You pull your hair over your face, trying to cover your swollen, black eye.  
“No, put it up. People need to see what he’s done to you.”  
You didn’t have it in you to argue with Simon and quickly tied your hair back in a ponytail. Luckily, you still hadn’t seen your face but you had felt enough to know that it was very swollen. Your body was still shaky but you followed Simon out of the clinic, the destruction left behind you. You still weren’t fully sure what you’d done, your mind tended to black out during your fits of rage. You followed Simon towards the main building, where Negan held his meetings. As you followed Simon in you realised the whole compound was here. You could feel everyone’s eyes on you, on your face. The crowd parted to let you and Simon through and as you followed you suddenly realised you were approaching Negan. _Shit_. You were sure this was it. Negan had had enough of your shit, you punched him for Christ’s sake, of course he was pissed! Your body began to violently shake as you neared him, seeing that menacing look on his face. Whatever this was, Negan was about to inflict some serious pain on someone, you just prayed it wasn’t you.  
“And here she fucking is,” You saw Lucille pointing in your way, “Our beloved fucking girl, and this piece of shit here,” He points Lucille towards Adam, who you could see was on his knees, his face beaten and swollen just like yours, “he decided he was good enough to fucking lay hands on her without her fucking say so,” he strolls over to you, pulling you forward, “I mean look at that face, my gorgeous fucking girl has been beaten to a pulp! What is the fucking only rule you morons have to follow?” It echoed throughout the building, every single person said it.  
“We do not rape.” You whole body shook as you stood there, realising that everyone in this building knew what had happened to you, none of them dared to look at you, but they knew.  
“No we fucking do not! And now,” Negan leaned back, looking to you and motioning for you to go to him, “this fucking badass here is gonna teach this pile of fucking shit,” he kicks Adam in the stomach, causing him to fall forward, but two of Negan’s men quickly get him back on his knees, “a lesson.” Negan walks behind you, wrapping his arms around you, bringing Lucille up in front of you. You stare at him, knowing what he wants you to do but not really believing it. He nods, placing Lucille in your hand and bringing your other hand up to hold it. You suddenly feel a wave of power wash over you. You step forward, closer to Adam. You stare at him and see a smirk appear on his face.  
“You won’t do it Y/N. You fucking loved it. You want me to apologise? Cuz I won’t. I’m not fucking sorry.” He spat blood across the floor, some spraying onto your trainers.  
“You will be.” 


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The aftermath of Adam's demise. The reader has to deal with some tough feelings, whilst Negan tries to tell her how he really feels.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this ones taken a while to get out! Been swamped with work these past few weeks. I'm not super happy with this chapter so...urgh...I don't know! Enjoy!

The sound of Lucille cracking Adam’s skull echoed throughout the hall, everyone stood there, staring at you as you bought Lucille down repeatedly on his head. He fell forward, blood pouring from the open wound on his head. He was making an awful, mumbling sound. He was trying to talk. You screamed and bought Lucille crashing down onto his head again, blood splattering up your jeans and across your face. You couldn’t stop yourself. With every swing of Lucille you felt the rage and anger leaving you. You forgot about everyone standing around, watching you beat Adam to nothing more than a bloody mess. By the time Negan slid his arm round your waist and managed to pull you away, your jeans were covered in Adam’s blood. There was nothing left of his head except a bloody mess smeared across the floor, you didn’t even register all the horrified faces staring at you. Your head was spinning and you were still screaming at his bloody corpse, unable to stop yourself. Your face was wet from tears and the blood splatter. You were so consumed in what you’d just done you didn’t even realise Negan pass you over to Simon, who pulled your shaking body out of the hall, away from the scene. Simon practically dragged you to Negan’s office, your legs struggling to carry you there. You were still shaking when you reached Negan’s office. You walked in and leant on Negan’s desk, trying to catch your breath, suddenly realise how sore your throat was from the screaming.  
“You gonna be okay?” You hear Simon’s words but nothing sinks in, you just stand there, replaying what just happened over and over again, “Y/N?”  
“Huh?” You turn to look at Simon, seeing the concern in his face, “Yeah, I’m fine.” You try to force a smile on your face but you’re sure you face didn’t move an inch. Simon nods and leaves the room, closing the door behind him. With him gone, you let out a huge sigh, you felt as if you’d been holding your breath since the incident with Adam happened. You looked down at your jeans and saw the red stained into them, splattered up both legs, the bottoms drenched in blood. You felt disgusting and dirty. You needed to get out of these jeans. You look around Negan’s office. There was no bathroom or sink, nowhere for you to get cleaned up. _Fuck it _. You kicked your boots off and shoved your trousers down, kicking them off to the side. You would rather be naked than stood there any longer covered in his blood. You leant on the edge of the table, your eyes shut, arms folded. You breathed in deep. Something in you had changed. You were strong before but now. Now you felt powerful too. You didn’t see the looks on everyone’s faces as they watched you take Adam’s life but you could sense the fear surrounding you. When you bought Lucille crashing into his skull you felt that rush of power. You wondered if this is how Negan felt, if he felt this powerful. Adam wronged you and just like that, he was out of this world now. You weren’t sure how long you stood there, consumed in your thoughts when the door clicked, and in strolled Negan. You didn’t open your eyes to look at him, but you knew it was him by the way he walked. You felt Lucille drop on the table next to you, Negan’s breath on your cheek. You feel his hands grip your waist, the sudden sensation making you jump and open your eyes, coming face to face with Negan’s deep, dark eyes.__  
“That…was sexy as shit,” a smug smile appeared on his face.  
“Shut up Negan,” you look away from him, his words erupting an unmistakable yearning inside of you. You feel his hand come to grip your face, forcing your face back to him. Your eyes meet with his, his face hovering over yours, not even an inch of distant between you. His thumb traces its way across your bottom lip, a sting of pain shooting through your lip as he brushes along a cut. You weren’t sure if it was him or you that made that first move, but once your lips connected you couldn’t pull yourself away from him. His hands gripped the sides of your face, pulling you in close to him. Your hands grip at his leather jacket, pulling him as close to you as possible. You hadn’t felt like this for weeks, how he made you feel. He was the one who made you feel powerful, who made you feel safe. He was like a drug that you’d been withdrawn from, that you were finally getting your fix of. You couldn’t stop the small moan escaping your lips. You felt Negan smile against your lips, his hand moved to hold the back of your head, his hand pulling the hairband from your hair, letting it fall around your shoulders. Negan pulls away from you, your lips following him and then a sudden panic takes over at the loss of him. Your lips are parted, ready to speak, but he gets there first.  
“Y/N, do you want this?” His voice sends shockwaves through our body, making you want him even more. You nod and he bring his hand to rest on your cheek, “I need to hear you say it.”  
“Yes…please Negan…I need you,” you edge your face forward and he stops you just before your lips meet.  
“Doll, say my name again,” his voice is deep and gravelly.  
“Negan…”  
You don’t have time to catch your breath before he’s on you again. His lips taking control of yours, his hands wandering under your top. Instead of his usual roughness, he was softer, his hand lingered on your back and he kissed down your neck. You push off his jacket, letting it fall to the floor. He breaks away from you momentarily to pull his top over his head, throwing it away to the floor, and then gripping your thighs, he pulls you towards him. You wrap your legs around his waist, feeling his hard bulge pressing against you. You fumble with his jeans, trying to get them down as he kisses along your collar bone. As you let his jeans and boxers drop to the floor, he stops you.  
“Are you really sure about this?” You nod at Negan, a smile appearing on your face as you unwrap your legs, giving him a chance to remove your underwear. You let out a small gasp as Negan pushes his way into you, feeling yourself spreading around him. You grip onto his shoulders, as you feel that low grumble in his chest. He grabs at our ass, pulling you towards him, pushing his way further into you. You let out a soft moan as you feel him completely fill you, stretching you out. You realised how long it had actually been since you had been with Negan, how much you had missed his touch, the way he felt inside of you. With each thrust you felt your feelings for him growing, realising how much you actually wanted this man. You buried your face into his neck, inhaling him, feeling him surrounding you. Goosebumps appeared over your body as he kissed his way along your neck, shivers erupting down your spine. You gripped on to him, not ever wanting him to let you go. Your fingers brushed through his hair, ran along his spine, you wanted to take every inch of him in. As he thrust into you harder and faster, your moans started to fill the room. Negan gripped onto you, his face resting in the crook of your neck. You leant back further onto the desk as Negan overpowered you, one arm wrapped tight around your back, the other holding you both up on the desk. You feel the pleasure building up inside of you, not wanting it to happen yet but wanting to feel that huge explosion one more time.  
“Negan…I’m gonna..I’m…” you tried to speak through breathy moans but each time you tried to talk Negan thrust into you harder and harder. You let out a huge moan into shoulder, pleasure exploding inside your body. Negan tenses and then shudders on top of you, letting out a deep rumble. You collapse back onto the table and Negan collapses on top of you. You lay there on the table, staring at the roof, Negan on top of you, both trying to catch your breath. Negan lets out a small laugh as he pushes himself up, admiring you from above.  
“I’m so sorry baby girl,” he brushes a strand of hair out of your face.  
“Negan, it doesn’t…” He doesn’t give you the chance to finish.  
“It does matter. This…” He thumbs the bruise around your eye, “It wouldn’t have happened if I’d protected you, like I fucking swore I would do. Fuck man, look at you, look at the state of you. These cuts, these bruises, why did you go there Y/N? Why did you go?” Panic was rising in your chest, you didn’t want to talk about it but you knew when Negan wanted something, there would be no stopping him until he got it. You push him off you and sat up on the edge of the table, looking down at your hands.  
“I couldn’t sleep.” Your voice shook as you spoke.  
“Why didn’t you come to me then? Shit, there’s a door between our rooms, I’m a few feet away.”  
“You were…” You couldn’t even bring yourself to look at him. It made you feel sick thinking about it again, “busy…You were…you had…” You couldn’t finish. Tears were already threatening to spill from your eyes.  
“Shit.” Negan paced in front of you, rubbing his beard, his eyes occasionally wandering over to you. “Doll…I…” For once it was Negan, not you, who was lost for words.  
“You don’t have to explain Negan. I know the deal…I...I know your wives come first.” The words sting the back of your throat. Negan stops in his tracks at your words. He comes straight for you and you flinch slightly as he grabs your face in his hands.  
“No! Don’t you ever say that!” His voice is raised, deeper than it normally is and it makes you scared. You can feel yourself shrinking in his grasp, trying to get away. “You come first. You always have. Do you know how long I waited for you? I knew from the first time I saw you on top of that car I knew. You and me. Sooner or later it was gonna happen, you couldn’t fight me forever. My wives…they’re nothing compared to you…to what we have. I would die for you.” You can’t stop the tears from spilling from your eyes. Negan tilts your head up to kiss you again, this time softer, his lips linger against yours.  
“Negan…”  
“No, let me finish. What happened to you, it was awful as shit and it shouldn’t have happened. I should have protected you, the way you’ve always protected me. I fucked up big time with Lucille, big big time. But I’m not gonna do that with you. I lo….”  
“Shut up Negan!” You push him away from you, jumping up from the table and grabbing your discarded clothes, “Don’t you dare Negan. I am your friend okay? That’s all. I don’t want anything more.” He grabs your wrist and pulls you back round to him.  
“I think we both know you’re more than just my friend.” His eyes are softer, you were sure you could see tears lining them.  
“Fine. Bodyguard, whatever. That’s all Negan. That’s all we can ever be. I can’t be a wife, and I can’t make you give them up. We just need to be…whatever we were before all of this mess. I’m sorry Negan, I just can’t.” You pulled your wrist and he let go, his eyes darkening right in front of you. You felt your heart yearning for him, wanting to tell him the truth. You knew what he was going to say, but you couldn’t let him. You couldn’t let your feelings for him get in the way of what you had here. Things had got too messy, you had both gotten tied into this game and you couldn’t do it anymore. You turned away from him and walk to the door, quickly slipping your underwear and jeans back on. As you close the door behind you, you hear a loud crash inside. You fought back the tears threatening to once again spill over.  
“ _I love you too _,” you whispered into the door, your heart breaking, fighting the urge to run back into Negan’s office, back into his arms. You jumped when you felt a hand on your shoulder.  
“Y/N, you okay?” It was Sherry. You didn’t really speak to any of Negan’s wives, and you had instantly taken a dislike to Sherry for what she’d done to Dwight.  
“I’m fine,” you didn’t turn to look at her, not wanting her to see the mess you were in.  
“No you’re not. Come on,” she put an arm round you and guided you down the hallway, away from Negan’s office. __

_______You didn’t speak again until you reached your room. It was finally started to dawn on you how much your body was hurting from the past 24 hours._  
“Sherry…can I ask you something?” You were sure she was going to tell you to mind your own business, but you had to ask.  
“Sure. What’s up?” She smiled at you. You weren’t sure if this niceness was true or if she was getting ready to warn you off Negan.  
“Do you still love Dwight?” As soon as you spoke the words you could see the expression on her face change, the pain materialized before your eyes.  
“Yes. I always will.” She lets out a deep sigh. “I know it doesn’t seem like it with the arrangements, but I do. I did this for him, so that he’d be safe.” You could tell she didn’t want to talk about it anymore.  
“I’m sorry Sherry. I didn’t mean to upset you.”  
“No it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.” She smiles as she turns to leave.  
“Sherry,” She turns to look at you, “How do you stay away from him?” She bites her lip and crosses her arms, clearly not wanting to answer, but she does anyway.  
“If you love someone, you do what you have to to keep them safe,” and with that she was gone. 

_____You stood in the bathroom examining your body. Every scar, every new cut, every new bruise. Your black eye was swollen and sore. Your legs and arms were covered in the handprints of your attack. The cut on your cheek stinging every time you moved your face. Something had changed in you. You knew deep down you had to separate your feelings from Negan. Since you and Negan had gone that step further, your head had been a mess. A constant battle between boss and lover. You couldn’t do it anymore, it was jeopardising yours and his safety. Tomorrow was a new day and it would be a fresh start. A clean slate. You had to push your feelings away. You stared at yourself in the mirror.  
“I am not Negan’s wife…I am Negan…I am not Negan’s wife…I am Negan….” You tried to convince yourself, “I am not Negan’s wife….” You hated yourself for falling into this trap. You splashed cold water on your face trying to clear your head. It was no use. You stared deep into your reflection, watching the words bounce off our lips.  
“I love Negan.”_ _ _


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The reader struggles with their feelings for Negan, and make a new friend at Hilltop.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this chapter has taken a while to get out. I'm still not super happy with it, I must have rewritten it 5 times >_< Sorry guys, hope you enjoy either way

You awoke that next morning to the familiar smell of coffee filling your room. You rolled onto your back, inhaling deeply. You’d not had the smell of coffee fill your room for so long now, you knew it meant one thing. _Negan_. You opened your eyes, the sun shining in the window momentarily blinding you, and then you let them wander over to your sofa and there he was. His ruffled bed hair, his white shirt, black boxers, one arm resting across the back of the sofa, the other resting on his knee with a cup of coffee perched on his knee. He was staring deep into the cup, he didn’t even notice you stirring in the bed. He sighed deeply, taking a sip of his coffee. You couldn’t tear your eyes away from him. It had felt like an eternity since you’d woken up to him. You watch him as he brings the cup to his lips, unable to look away from the man you love. You felt your heart beating hard in your chest, you were sure he was going to hear it. You sat watching him for a few minutes, still not understanding how this man came into your life. You were so consumed in your thoughts, you jumped when you heard his voice.  
“So how long has your freaky ass been watching me?” A lazy smile was spread across his face. You hadn’t realised you’d been staring.  
“About as long as you’ve been watching me sleep,” You let out a small laugh, sitting yourself up in the bed. He walks over to you, grabbing you a cup of coffee on the way. He sits down on the bed facing you and hands you the coffee.  
“So we gonna talk about yesterday?” You take a big sip of the coffee, trying to ignore the question. You shake your head, staring down into the cup at the dark liquid. “Y/N?”  
“There’s nothing to talk about Negan,” you try not to look at him, knowing the minute you did those big brown eyes and that perfect smile would pull you in. He lets out a deep sigh.  
“You know, since I lost Lucille I never thought there would be anyone in this world that would compare to her.”  
“Negan, don’t,” you shift uncomfortably in the bed, bringing your knees up to your chest, cradling the cup between your hands.  
“No Y/N, we need to talk about…”  
“No we don’t. There’s nothing to talk about Negan. Consider yesterday a….goodbye? It’s over Negan. Whatever we were doing…it’s over. Can we just go back to how things were?” Your body had started to shake from the adrenaline rush. You daren’t look at Negan, you didn’t want to see how angry he was. You could only imagine what he was going to do to you now.  
“Shit. I’m not gonna lie doll, I’m gonna miss the shit out of you, but if that’s how you want It,” he stood up, rubbing his beard. You tensed up as you felt him lean down to you, expecting him to grab you, but instead he kissed the top of your head. You felt yourself melting at his touch, “Get dressed. I need you at Hilltop with me.” It always amazed you how quick his mood could change, even with you. You nodded, not wanting to upset him even more than you already had. He sighed and walked out of your room, leaving you in silence. You sat there, staring at your coffee, a sadness washing over you. You hated yourself for letting him go, but you knew it was for the best. He had to think of The Sanctuary, of the Saviours, of his wives. You knew it was for the best. You sighed and dragged yourself out of bed. You’d hope you’d feel better, finally not having your affair with Negan hanging over your shoulders, but you only felt worse. You hoped as the day went on these feelings would pass.

As you did up the laces on your boots there was a familiar knock at your door.  
“Come in.”  
In strolled Negan, Lucille by his side. Your eyes wandered up his body. His scuffed boots, his grey jeans, his perfectly white top, his leather jacket, you could memorise each inch of his body, the way his beard scratched along your shoulder as he kissed your neck, the way he would get annoyed with you when you would run your fingers through his hair.  
“Hello? What doll? You not talking to me now? You just gonna sit there with that spaced out look on your face?” His voice snapped you out of your trance.  
“Sorry Negan, I…I’m ready to go.” You stood up, a smile appearing across Negan’s face. You’d not felt nerves like this since you first came to the Sanctuary. You suddenly realised that everyone had watched you kill Adam yesterday, watched you bash his brains in using Lucille. A moment of madness and now you were in a panic over it. You saw your bat hanging in Negan’s hand. Without giving you a chance to think, he threw your bat to you. You caught it, and he let out a small laugh.  
“Come on then, we got shit to do,” and with that he turned and walked out of your room. You grabbed your jacket and walked after him. You tried to work out what kind of mood he was in, but he was completely unreadable. You just hoped he was not about to take his anger out on anyone else.

The ride to Hilltop was slow, mainly due to the fact that not a single word was said between you and Negan. You hated that things seemed so awkward between you two. You were used to at least a few words passing on the car ride, but this time there was nothing, he didn’t even glance at you. You breathed a sigh of relief when you saw the house on the hill and big gates of Hilltop.  
“Don’t wander off too far,” he winks at you and he stops that car just inside the gates. You nod and climb out of the car. Everyone was emerging from the cabins, stopping to look at Negan and the saviours who were now dispersing into the community. You rested your bat on your shoulder and walked away from the rest of the saviours. You needed some time alone, even if it was just 10 minutes. You walked over to a cabin, away from the others, and walked round the back. You breathed a sigh of relief when you saw there was no one behind it. You leant against the wall, closing your eyes and taking in the fresh air. With each breath you felt your head clearing, removing all the images of Negan, all the pain you had felt in the past few days. You let your bat drop down at your side. You slid down the wall under you were sitting on the ground. It had seemed like an eternity since you had been out in the open. You ran your fingers through the grass, feeling every blade between your fingers. Your eyes shot open when you heard steps coming towards you. You gripped your bat tight, ready to strike at whoever was sneaking up on you. A man appeared from the corner of the building. He was taller than you, long brown hair fell at either side of his face, under a black hat. A smile was spread across his face. He held his hands up, showing you he wasn’t armed. You recognised him from your previous trips to Hilltop, although you’d never spoken to him. You were hardly away from Negan’s side when he bought you on these runs, but he was a big man, _he can take care of himself_.  
“Y/N right?” He came and sat on the grass next to you. You relaxed a little when you saw he was unarmed.  
“Yeah…” you thought hard, trying to remember his name, “Jesus, right?” He nods, smiling. “That can’t be your real name.” You frown at him, biting on your lip. You start to pick at the grass in front of you, realising that you might have just upset him. To your relief, he starts to laugh.  
“No, it’s not my real name. Just a name that stuck.” You smile at him.  
“I can see why.” You two sat there for a while talking, as the Saviours tore their way through Hilltop, taking their half of the supplies. You would occasionally hear Negan tormenting some poor loser. You had never really taken the time to talk to anyone at Hilltop, often just staying by Negan’s side or waiting at the trucks. You were amazed that he had the courage to come and talk to you, hell, even half the people at the Sanctuary were too afraid to utter a word to you. You weren’t complaining though, it was nice to have a normal conversation that didn’t revolve around a run or blood and guts. As sat there with Jesus, talking about everything and nothing at all, you heard raised voices. You silenced Jesus and sat there listening, and then it dawned on you. _Negan_. In sync, you and Jesus both jumped up and ran towards the commotion. As you got closer you saw Negan and Gregory squaring off. Negan was doing his usual overly loud, in your face laughing and waving Lucille around, almost grazing Gregory’s head a few times. You and Jesus made a beeline straight for them, you jumping in front of Negan and Jesus pulling Gregory backwards out of Negan’s reach. Negan stepped forward almost knocking you back, but you grabbed his t-shirt, steadying yourself.  
“Negan, what are you doing?”  
“I have had enough of this motherfucker,” he leans in close to you, “He’s fucking late on the goods…again…so now I’m gonna bash his fucking brains like I promised.” He starts walking again, but you push him back.  
“Negan, stop! You can’t do this.” You could feel your arms shaking as he edged forward.  
“Doll, move out of the way.”  
“No. Negan please, listen to me,” he rolls his eyes and you feel anger boiling inside of you. You grab his face and force him to look at you, “Negan, if you kill this piece of shit, these people are gonna riot. They will kill us. Negan. Just thi…” before you could finish, you saw Negan’s eyes drift to your shoulder, where Jesus had placed his hand. You turned your head to face him, eyes wide in disbelief.  
“Negan, it’s just a misunderstanding. Just give us a few more days, we’ll have your stuff.” Negan stood there glaring at him and then you saw that twisted smile spread across his face.  
“Two days, and so fucking help me God if you ain’t got the shit together by then.” He grabbed your arm and pulled you towards the car, shoving you against it. He comes close to your face again, his breath warm on your lips, “Whatever the fuck that was with that prick, it ends now, or you won’t be coming back here.”  
“Negan, nothing’s going…” He bought Lucille crashing against the door, inches away from your head. You flinched, turning your head away.  
“I said, it’s over.”  
You nod and scramble to get in the car. Negan walks around to climb in the driver’s side. Your eyes meet with Jesus as he watches you in the car. His eye don’t leave you as Negan drives out of Hilltop. You watch the large fence vanish behind you as Negan drives away, your momentary friendship over as soon as it started.

Negan didn’t speak to you at all on the drive back to the Sanctuary. He didn’t even speak when you got back, as you walked to your rooms. He didn’t even glance at you. Not once. It was like you didn’t even exist to him in that moment. You sighed as you let yourself into your room. You turned to say bye to Negan but he was already gone. As you walked into your room, you let your jacket fall to the floor. You propped your bat up against the wall and kicked your shoes off. You pulled the bobble from your hair and let it fall around your shoulders. You walked over to the dresser, pulling out a half drank bottle of whiskey. You fell onto your bed with it, staring up at the ceiling. You laid there, occasionally having a sip of whiskey, trying to drown out the screaming thoughts of Negan. The sun was dying down outside and the light was fading fast in your room. Just as you closed your eyes, there was a knock at your door. You lazily pulled yourself up from the bed, wondering who would be at your door at this time. To your surprise, Simon was stood there.  
“Simon, what are you doing here?”  
“Now, I know you’re not starting without us,” he motions to the bottle of whiskey in your hand, “Come on, we’re having a drink at Dwight’s.”  
Before you can even complain Simon has hold of your hand, pulling you out of your room. You just manage to shut the door, almost dropping your whiskey in the process. Everything in your mind and body told you you didn’t want to go, but you knew there was no use arguing with Simon. You either went willingly or you had no doubt that he would have just picked you up and carried you there. As you walked into Dwight’s you looked round, looking for the one face you were nervous about seeing, but Negan wasn’t there. You immediately relaxed and took a seat on the sofa next to Simon.

The night went by fast, bottles and bottles of beer and whiskey were drank as you talked and laughed. You hadn’t felt like this for weeks. Just relaxed, not worrying about anything. You know the alcohol was mostly to thank but having these guys around had helped. You’d missed these late night drinking sessions with Simon, Dwight and the others. As the night started dying down, you decided to head off back to your room. Your head was spinning but you refused to let any of them walk you back. You sipped the beer you had grabbed before leaving, each sip making you dizzier and numbing the thoughts that had been consuming you all day. Thoughts of Negan. You were so torn it was driving you crazy. Your heart was yearning for him, begging for him to touch you again, but your head told you how stupid it was. You’d be knocking Negan back from the minute you met him, and now he was all you could think about. You thought about the Saviours, what they would say if they ever found out. About his wives. Your head knew that it was too much mess to try and deal with but it didn’t stop you wanting him. Before you could stop yourself, you found yourself at Negan’s door. You stood there for a minute, wonder what the hell you thought you were doing. Negan usually kept his door locked anyway, he wasn’t stupid. He knew if someone was gonna try and take him out they’d do it at night. You turned the door handle slowly and heard it click open. _He must still be awake._ You felt your heart beating hard in your chest. The lump in your throat. _Fuck it_. You had already clicked the door, if Negan was in here, chances are he knew someone was at the door by now. You pushed the door and walked in.  
“Negan, I nee…” The bottle fell from your hand, smashing over the floor. Beer soaked your feet. Your mouth hung open at the sight in front of you. Negan and Sherry, on his sofa. She was grinding on his lap, holding onto his bare shoulders. He had one hand tangled in her hair, the other held her hip, bouncing her on him. As soon as Negan realised you were there, he threw Sherry off his lap, struggling to get his boxers up, tripping over clothes as he tried to come to you. You didn’t need to see anymore. You turned and ran, ran as fast as you could down the corridors. You heard Negan calling after you, but the damage was already done. Tears were streaming down your face as you ran. You found yourself banging on Simon’s door frantically. As he opened it, you dived into his arms, trying to cover your face before he could see the tears stained onto your cheeks.  
“Hey Y/N what’s wrong? Did something happen on your way back?” You tried to compose yourself, your face pressed against his chest.  
“Simon, can I stay here tonight? Please. I don’t want to go back.” Simon hugged you tight.  
“Sure, come on,” he pulled you inside shutting the door, “you take the bed, I’ll sleep on the sofa.”  
Simon tucked you up in his bed, kissing your forehead before he went and made his bed on the sofa. You were still in shock from what you’d seen. You had no idea why. You knew Negan fucked his wives, it was no surprise to you, but after he’d almost confessed his love to you, you thought maybe he was telling the truth. You were sure now everything that came out of that man’s mouth was a lie. You closed your eyes, wishing the imagine out of your head before the tiredness took a hold of you and plunged you into a deep sleep.


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Negan finally catches up with the reader, and words are shared between them, but will it change everything?

It had been several days since you had seen Negan. You knew you were making it worse by avoiding him, but you couldn’t face him. You knew his routine like clockwork. You knew exactly where he would be at each time. You had managed to sneak back to your room to grab some clothes, narrowly avoiding Negan, as you heard him pacing in his room. You had spent the nights at Simon’s, although you were starting to feel guilty that Simon was now sleeping on his sofa. You offered over and over again to sleep on the sofa but Simon was having none of it. You knew you were going to have to face Negan sooner or later. He hadn’t been out of the compound for two days, so you knew he would be looking for you soon, but that would come sooner than you’d hoped. 

It was the third day of you avoiding Negan like the plague. You had avoided going back to your room for three days now, but you knew you couldn’t avoid it any longer. You needed some clean clothes and you needed a shower. You refused to use the communal ones, even though Simon had offered to stand guard while you had one. You stood at the end of the hallway, watching for the moment that Negan would leave his room. Then you would be able to sneak in, have your shower and leave before he even realises you were there. You weren’t sure how long you’d been stood there, staring at his door, waiting for any sign of movement. Simon had offered to come with you, but you’d declined. You needed to do this on your own. You would be quick, in and out, before anyone had a chance to catch you. You heard Negan’s door click and quickly ducked back behind the wall. You refused to let him see you. You heard footsteps echoing down the hall and when you were sure they were gone, you made a run for your room. You locked the door behind you and immediately stripped off, grabbing a towel and running into the bathroom. You didn’t wait for the water to heat up, you just jumped straight in, the coldness making you wince and forcing your body to jolt at the sudden blast of cold water. You felt your body start to relax as the water heated up, it’s rhythmic beat relaxing all the muscles in your back. You closed your eyes, letting the water drip down your face, soaking your hair. You grabbed some shampoo and quickly lathered up your hair and then grabbed the razor, giving yourself the once over before rinsing all the bubbles off. You turned the water off and grabbed the towel hanging on the side. You wrap it around yourself, taking a minute before stepping out of the shower. That was a moment you instantly regretted. He was leant against the sink, arms folded across his chest. His white t-shirt was tight across his shoulders, his grey jeans hugging his legs. Your eyes wandered up to his face. His hair wasn’t in its usual slicked back style, it was sticking up at odd angles, the odd strand felt forward against his forehead. His eyes were heavy, he looked like he hadn’t slept in days. You suddenly realised you’d stopped breathing. It was as if seeing him again had sucked all the air out of the room. As your eyes met his deep, dark eyes, you suddenly felt the urge to run, to run as far away as possible. It was overwhelming. You were wishing your body to move, for your feet to just run away with you, but they remained still, cemented into the ground. Your mind was telling your body to run but your body refused, your chest barely rose to allow you to take a breath. You dropped your eyes to the floor, unable to look at him, the sight of his making panic rise inside of you, images from that night flashing to the front of your mind. As he spoke, it sent shockwaves rippling through your body.  
“Now doll, I find it extremely fucking rude that you’ve been avoiding me for days on end. I mean, I thought we were on good terms and then you do a disappearing act like a fucking magician. You did a good job of hiding yourself, but you should know by now, I have eyes and ears _everywhere_.” You couldn’t stop your body from shaking. His voice was cold. He was pissed, big time. You flinched as he starting to walk towards you, slowly. He knew what he was doing to you. He knew you were scared of his anger, scared of what he would do to you. You took a big breath, ready to speak.  
“Negan, I…” He shut you down straight away, his hand coming up to your mouth.  
“Shush, shush, shush. You can’t keep playing these games with me doll. One minute you want me, the next you don’t, you’re like a fucking yo-yo. And walking into my room in the dead of night, not even a knock…that shit…does not fly here.” Your whole body tensed up, ready for whatever punishment he had in store.  
“Please, I..” You trail off as he closes in on you, his breath warm against your cheek. His hand comes up to brush your other cheek, his fingers gliding across your jaw line.  
“Now doll, seeing as you want to keep making things difficult. I need to know.” You know what he’s going to ask you, but you can’t even admit it to yourself. You shake your head. He grabs your face in one hand and forces you to look at him. You always feel so small in his grasp. Negan towered over you, his hand almost the same size as your face. He practically had to bend over to be at your height. “Do not make me ask you. You know I can read you like a book, and I know when you’re lying. Don’t fucking lie to me doll.” You felt the tears pricking your eyes. You didn’t want to admit it to yourself but you did love this man. You had fought against those feelings for months. Tried to bury the jealously when you saw him with his wives, the repulsion when you saw them draped all over him. Every time he touched you, every time he spoke your name, he knew exactly what buttons to press to make you want him. You had always been so strong, you’d never needed a man in your life, but these past few months you were sure you needed Negan as much as he needed you. You looked deep into his eyes, your mouth slightly parted but nothing came out. Negan smiled, instantly turning you weak. He pressed his lips to yours, an explosion erupting inside you at his touch. You tried to pull yourself away from him but you were only drawn more into him. Your arms wrapped around his neck, your hands running through his hair. It felt like an eternity since you’d been in his arms and you realised how much you did miss him, how much you wanted him. He wrapped his arms around you and pulled you in close, your whole body pressing against his. He let his hand fall to your bum, grabbing it and then lifting you up, your legs instantly wrapping around his waist. You hated yourself for finally giving into him, but you didn’t have the energy to fight these feelings any more. Negan carried you towards his room, his lips still in contact with yours, his teeth occasionally grazing your lip, making heat rush through your body. He pulled on the towel and it instantly dropped to the floor, leaving you naked and wrapped around him. He placed you down on the bed and leant up, looking down at you, admiring every inch of you before taking off his top and throwing it aside. He leant back down, kissing his way along your neck, his hands caressing your naked skin. As you laid there, staring up at the ceiling as Negan made him way down your body, you suddenly felt a wave of guilt wash over you.  
“Negan, stop,” You tried to push him up but he ignored you, “Negan, please.” You wriggled underneath him and he finally listened to you, pulling away momentarily. “Negan, how is this gonna work? People are gonna be pissed. What about your wives? Everyone’s gonna look at me differently. I…” He cuts you off mid-sentence.  
“Y/N, if you want, we’ll keep this between us. Just like before, no one needs to know. As for my wives, yeah they’re gonna be pissed, but if you don’t want me to be with them anymore, then it’s done. Obviously, they’re gonna have to stay here, keeping up appearances and shit. But I want touch them, fuck, I won’t even look at them if that’s what you want. I fucked up big time with Lucille, for some dumb ass fucking reason God is giving me another chance with you and I sure as shit ain’t gonna fuck this up.” A smile spreads across your face and the same happens with Negan.  
He leans down, kissing you again, softly. Your hands make their way down to his jeans, your fingers fumbling to get them undone. As Negan kisses and nibbles his way along your neck and shoulder, you reach into his boxers and grasp his thick, hard cock, pulling it out from his boxers, your hand massaging away as he groans into your shoulder. You shift underneath him, positioning yourself with his hard cock resting against you. He slowly pushes his way into you and you let out a small moan as you feel yourself stretching around him. You were already filled with ecstasy the moment Negan entered you. This time Negan didn’t fuck you as he had done before. He was softer, more gentle than usual, as if you would break if he was too rough. His lips didn’t leave yours for longer than a few seconds throughout. He caressed every inch of your body. It was as if he was making love to you for the first time. When it was over Negan didn’t let you go. He’d never really been one for cuddles after but this time he refused to let you leave the bed. He’d wrapped his arms around you, your head resting on his chest, listening to the steady thump of his heartbeat. Neither of you said anything, but you both knew that something between you had changed. Whether you liked it or not, he knew exactly how you felt about him, and you couldn’t deny it any longer. As you traced circles around on his chest with your fingers you finally felt at peace. You knew Negan had done horrible things, terrible things. He’d killed people, but it was all to protect his people. From the moment you’d met him, he had protected you, he’d kept you safe, kept you fed. Loved. In a world where everything had fallen apart, where everyone you’d known was dead, Negan had been the one thing that was consistent. You’d dealt with scarier people than Negan, but he scared you the most. Not because you were scared, but because you were afraid to loose him.  
“Negan?”  
“Mhmm” You looked up at him and saw his eyes were closed.  
“I love you.” He tightened his grip on you and kissed the top of your head.  
“I love you too.”  
You laid your head back down, your heart skipping beats at his words. You knew this was it. From this moment, everything between you had changed. Things were never gonna be the same again.


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The readers affair with Negan takes a turn fir the better, but as a mysterious illness strikes the reader, could something be about to turn their world upside down?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry this chapter took a while, I got ridiculous writers block and hated everything I wrote. If you're still sticking around to read it thank you so much and if you do feel like having a fling with Daryl instead, make sure you check out my other story =) thanks guys <3

From the outside, nothing had changed. You were still his right-hand girl, you still followed him everywhere, protecting him from any attacks, everyone still kneeled at the sight of you two, but behind closed doors, everything had changed. As soon as you were done for the day, you went into your room, Negan to his, and then you used your secret bathroom to spend the night with him. Every night without fail you were in his bed, in his arms. The odd times that Negan did have visitors, you hid yourself well, running into the shared bathroom or hiding yourself under his bed. It still ate away at you, the way he draped himself over his wives, but you both knew it was for the greater good. Keeping up appearances, not wanting anyone to find out about you two. You hated to admit it to yourself but you had fallen completely in love with him. You had fought these feelings back for months, always telling yourself that he was too old, he was your boss, you didn’t need any man to look after you, but it was exactly what you needed. Months spent looking after everyone else had taken their toll on you, and when you were alone with Negan, and it was him who was protecting you in the night, it awakened something inside of you, some deep yearning to with someone, to be protected. Every morning you would wake up before him. When his arms weren’t wrapped around you, he would sleep on his front, his arms resting under his pillow. Every morning you would run our fingers along his back, taking in every inch of him, this man who had saved your life more times than you could remember. Even though you spent your early mornings admiring this man, your feelings were always tinged with a sadness. A sadness that you would never have him completely, and that he would never love you completely. You’d tried to speak to him about Lucille, but he never gave much away. You could see the hurt in his eyes when you mentioned her, so you tried to avoid it. At the very mention of her name, his whole attitude changed. He became....sad. That’s all you could describe it as and you hated seeing him that way, so you avoided mentioning her anymore. As your fingers traced their way along Negan’s back, something was niggling inside of you. You couldn’t put your finger on it, but something was just off. Your stomach felt heavier, despite hardly having anything to eat the past few days, your head felt dizzy. You closed your eyes, wishing the feeling away. You had a big run today to Hilltop and the last thing Negan needed was you not feeling well. But as you laid there, the feeling didn’t go, it only seemed to grow. You sat yourself up in bed, hoping that it would help the feeling go, but it didn’t. The sudden rush of sitting up forced the feelings to come to a head. You felt bile rising in your throat, your stomach clenching. You dived out of the bed as fast as your legs could carry you, your hands clasped to your mouth as you rushed to the bathroom. You just made it to the toilet when vomit spewed from your mouth. You bent over the toilet, head practically inside as your stomach rejected what little food it had in it. Your stomach clenched and contracted, making your whole body convulse. You gripped it, trying to fend off the pain. You jumped a mile when you felt a strong hand on your back, relaxing as soon as you saw it was Negan.  
“What the shit have you been eating?” He rubbed your back, but you could hear the slight annoyance in his voice.  
“I haven’t eaten anything! I think that’s the prob...” Talking only seemed to set you off again, dry heaving over the toilet, but nothing came up this time. Your stomach was completely empty now.  
“Christ, something’s up. I ain’t never seen you like this.” You pushed him away from you.  
“That’s a good thing Negan. Now go away.” He comes back on you, brushing your hair out of your face.  
“I want to see every part of you, good and bad.” He plants a kiss on your forehead and you feel your insides go weak. He stands up and walks out of the bathroom. You rest your head in your hands as the sickness finally begins to subside. You open your eyes again when you hear footsteps heading back to you. You smile as Negan hands you a bottle of water. The cold water hits your sore throat with a sting, but you gulp it down, feeling as though you haven’t drank anything in days. “Better?” You nod, still feeling a small pain in your stomach, but at least the water was helping the nausea. “Great, come on then, we’ve got a busy day and I need you on top form.” He reaches his hand out and you grab it, him pulling you to your feet in an instant, pulling you in tight. You always savour these moments. Unexpected hugs and stolen kisses. It was so out of character from the big bad Negan that everyone else knew. His hand slid down your back, planting a firm slap on your bum.  
“Now go get dressed.” He spins you round and gives you a playful push towards your room. You smile, shaking your head at him, and pushing the door to your room open.  
It felt odd being back in here alone. It had been weeks since you’d slept in this room. Even the odd nights when Negan had gone out, you still slept in his bed, and in the early hours of the morning he would crawl into the bed next to you, wrapping you in a tight embrace. You shrugged the feeling off, searching for some clothes to wear for the run. Just as you finished putting your shoes on there was a knock at your door. You were shocked to find Dwight there. You suddenly realised how little time you’d spent with Dwight recently, you’d hardly even uttered two words to him in the past few weeks.  
“You coming today?”  
“Yeah, let me just get my jacket and I’ll walk down with you, okay?” He nods and you quickly grab your jacket and bat and follow Dwight out.  
The silence between you two was awkward, something you weren’t used to. You couldn’t put your finger on what was wrong. Just as you went to break the silence, Dwight did it first.  
“Where have you been?”  
“What do you mean? I’ve been here.”  
“No, you haven’t. I’ve come round a couple of times, so has Simon. You weren’t there. We looked around for you. Where’ve you been?” You heart pounded hard in your chest. Your throat was dry.  
“I...I’ve just been out.” He stopped in his tracks and turned to you.  
“What do you mean out?”  
“Just out.” You can’t even bring yourself to look at him. If Dwight found out the truth it would destroy any relationship left between the two of you. His hand on your hand pulls you back down to earth.  
“Y/N, I care for you like my own sister. Please don’t do anything stupid. Not for him.” His words cause a sudden stir in you and you yank your hand away from him.  
“I know what I’m doing Dwight. Unlike Sherry I don’t need to open my legs to protect the people I love.” You swing your bat up and rest it on your shoulder, turning your back and walking away from Dwight. You instantly regretted the words that had left your mouth. You could see they had struck a cord somewhere by the instant hurt that appeared on Dwight’s face. You hated yourself for saying it but you’d always had a quick temper. Act first, think second. That had always been the way with you. You walked down to the group standing at the cars and you felt instantly better as you saw Negan’s shadow looming over everyone else. As you walked to him you could see the smile appear on his face. You couldn’t help one appearing on yours as you edged closer. He opened the car door, giving you a wink as you climbed in. You felt the heat rising in your cheeks. As he climbed in next to you, he slapped your thigh, giving you a slight squeeze.  
“You ready doll?” You smile and nod at him, his touch always erupting a fire in you. He starts the car up and you make your way to Hilltop.  
You opened your eyes, suddenly realising you had fell asleep in the car. You shifted in your seat, rubbing your eyes. You hadn’t even felt tired when you climbed in the car. You knew you’d been asleep for a while, you could see Gregory’s house on top of the hill.  
“Finally awake sweetheart,” Negan smiled at you.  
“I’m sorry. I...I don’t know what’s wrong with me at the minute.” You stared out of the window, feeling an odd sensation in your stomach again.  
“Doll, if your sick you can keep that sh..” Before he can finish, your bolt up in your seat, hand clasped to your mouth. “Negan...pull...pull over,” he slams the breaks on and you dive out of the car, throwing up all over the side of the road. You hand holds on to your stomach as you dry wretch at the road. Tears gather in your eyes. You’d always hated being sick, ever since you were a child. When you’re done, you lean against the side of the car, taking a deep breath, trying to stop your head from swimming. Negan’s banging on the roof makes you jump.  
“Come on doll, we ain’t got all day.”  
You roll your eyes and climb back into the car. You have no idea why you are getting these waves of sickness. You try to think of what you’ve eaten, or if you’d been around anyone that was sick, but nothing was coming to mind. You closed your eyes again as you felt the car pull off, driving up the road to Hilltop.  
Once inside, you exited the car whilst Negan did he usual routine. You walked over to behind the cabins again when you felt the wave of sickness coming on again. You leant over again, gripping your stomach. You were so focused on trying not to be sick anymore that you didn’t hear the footsteps coming in on you. You jumped when you felt a hand on your back. You turned your head to see Jesus, a smile on his face. “Hey, come on, get it all out,” He rubbed your back and you did nothing to stop him. The small gesture actually helping ease off the nausea. He brushed the hair back out of your face, holding it as you continued to wretch. You wiped your mouth when you finally managed to stop, standing up and thanking Jesus. Anyone else here would probably have took the opportunity to stick a knife in you, but not him.  
“Come on, let’s get you a drink.” You tried to wave him off but he was taking none of it. He put his arm round you and guided you towards a cabin at the end of the pathway. As he opened the door for you, you could see it was a small clinic, like the one back at Sanctuary, but this one wasn’t as well stocked. You sat on a chair as Jesus bought you a bottle of water.  
“So what’s up with you?”  
“I don’t know,” you fiddled with the lid on the bottle, “I just seem to be coming down with something.”  
“Seems pretty bad. It’s definitely threw you off guard.” He leant on the table in front of you. You rubbed your temples, head pounding.  
“I know. I need to get back, Negan’s gonna be looking for me.” You went to stand up but he stopped you, making you sit back down.  
“You’re not going anywhere yet. Just have a drink, Negan’s still with Gregory, you’ve got time yet.”  
You sat there for 10 minutes, talking to Jesus. You hated that you came to these communities, took their stuff, when there were good people around them, like Jesus. You thought about how good Jesus would be with you, with the Saviours, but you knew he wouldn’t even entertain the idea. Neither would Negan. Jesus was a good man, he wouldn’t be able to deal with Negan’s brash decisions. You sighed to yourself, realising that Negan would probably blow a fuse if he found out, twice now, you’d been sitting talking to Jesus instead of loading up the trucks. As you sat there talking, you heard Negan’s voice ring out through the buildings. You said bye to Jesus and walked out to meet him at the cars. He eyed the bottle of water in your hand, questioning you without saying a word. You hung your head down as you climbed into the car, not wanting to deal with a lecture from Negan about how we couldn’t let them see us being weak. You closed your eyes, and instantly fell to sleep in the car again.  
When you awoke, you were no longer in the car, you were in Negan’s bed. His arm was drapped over you. You felt how hot you were against his cold arm, sweat drenching your top. You could feel it again, rising up. The more you tried to ignore it, the stronger the feeling came. You pushed Negan’s arm off and ran straight to the bathroom, not bothering to turn any of the lights on on the way. With your head resting on the cold tiles of the wall, you notice Negan walk into the bathroom and lean on the door frame.  
“Whatever the fuck this shit is, it ends tomorrow. I’m taking you to see the doc.”  
“Negan, I’ll be fine, it’s just a bug.” You couldn’t even open your eyes to look at him, instead feeling as though you could just fall asleep on the cold tiles.  
“Like shit it is. First thing in the morning, you’re going, whether I have to drag your sorry ass there or not. You look like shit and I can’t do shit without you.” His words are blunt and harsh. He walks back to the bed, leaving you there in the bathroom, the coldness offering a small form of relief from the nausea that was swimming through your head. You didn’t even have the energy to fight with him. There was no use anyway. You knew when he had an idea in his head there was no chance of talking him out. You savoured the cold air for a few more minutes before heading back to Negan’s room and climbing back into his bed. Your head was swimming, but you brushed it off again. _It’s just a bug. It’s just a bug. It’ll be gone by the morning._ But you didn’t know how wrong you were.


	19. Chapter 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some unexpected news sends the reader's world upside down. The impact affects everyone around as the reader tries to ignore what is happening to them.

“Y/N, come on, get your lazy fucking ass out of bed.”  
Someone was shaking the bed, rattling your brain from the slumber it was in. You rolled onto your back, slowly opening your eyes to see who was shaking you from your sleep. The rocking was doing nothing to help the nausea that was still lingering over you. Your eyes locked on Negan’s figure, looming over your bed. You bought a hand up to your head, rubbing your temples.  
“Negan, cut it out.” He laughed slowly. Mockingly.  
“Well, you’re no fucking better than yesterday. Get up.” He kicks the mattress, making your whole body.  
“Negan! I’m fine, now stop it!”  
“Bullshit. Drink this and get fucking dressed. I’ve had enough of putting up with your childish ass.” He shoves a cup of coffee at you. You take it, sitting up, furrowing your eyebrows as you stare into the black abyss in the cup. “I ain’t gonna tell you again.” You shoot daggers at Negan.  
“I am not a fucking child.”  
“Well stop acting like one. Doc’s waiting for you so hurry your shit up.” He grabs the edge of the blanket and rips it off onto the floor. The cold air immediately stings your legs and you tense your whole body at the sudden change in temperature. You glare at Negan, his smug smile winding you up even more. He’d obviously been up for quite a while before he’d decided to wake you up. His hair was perfectly slicked back, he had a new white t-shirt on. He’d obviously been on his rounds as he was wearing his usual leather jacket and Lucille was balance up against his shoulder. You hated that even when you were hating him, there was still a huge part of you that couldn’t help but love him. You climbed out of bed, pushing your way past Negan to the bathroom. He laughed to himself, which just angered you even more. This was going to be a long day.

Doctor Carson smiled when he saw you and Negan enter the clinic.  
“Y/N, I’ve been expecting you, it’s really good to see you. How have you been?” He gestures for you to take a seat. You smile, taking the seat and watching Negan as he leans against the wall.  
“I’ve been fine.” You could feel Negan’s eyes burning a hole in you.  
“Really? I’ve heard otherwise.” He rests a hand on your knee and you immediately glare at Negan, who, as usual, has that smug smile plastered over his face. “You wanna tell me what been going on?” You sighed, knowing you weren’t gonna get out of this.  
“It’s nothing. I’ve just been feeling a bit off these past few days.”  
“What do you mean off?” You sighed.  
“I’ve just been feeling…off, you know. Dizzy, tired, I’ve been sick a couple of times. It’s probably nothing, just a bug.”  
“Hmm…well I’m just going to do some simple obs and we’ll see how we get on, okay?” You smiled and nodded at him. He busied himself, doing your temperature and blood pressure. Negan watched you, his arms folded across his chest. You pulled a mocking face at him and he responded by making kissy face at you. You smiled, rolling your eyes at him. Doctor Carson sat back down in front of you again.  
“Well, everything seems to be fine, your heart rate is a little fast but other than that, your good.” You turned to Negan, sarcastically smiling at him. “I just have a few more questions, just so we can rule out everything else.” Just as you were about to ask what he wanted to rule out, there was a knock at the door and Simon burst in. He apologised and whispered something to Negan. Negan’s face dropped immediately, his whole exterior changed. He stiffened, becoming cold.   
“Right, Y/N I gotta go take care of business, but Simon’s gonna stay, he can walk you back after.” He winked at you as he strolled out of the room, swinging Lucille at his side. Simon smiles at you and you suddenly feel embarrassed to have him here with you.  
“Y/N, are you okay to carry on?” You smile, nodding, and smile at Simon. He smiles back at you. You didn’t want Simon here, you knew how much he would end up worrying for no reason. “Okay, these next couple of questions are gonna be a bit personal, but I really need you to answer honestly.” You nod, your heart beating fast as you knew what he was about to ask you.  
“Do you get your periods regularly?” You nod.  
“Yeah, pretty regular, I think.”  
“When was your last one?” You thought for a moment, trying to think back to the last one. You knew exactly when it was, when Amber had decided to tell Negan about her phantom pregnancy, but how long along was it? So much had happened since then, it had all blurred into one memory.  
“I…umm…I can’t remember exactly. A couple of weeks ago, maybe. I’m not sure.” You knew exactly where this conversation was going, but you didn’t want to believe it. You _knew_ it was just a bug.  
“Have you had any unprotected sex recently?” Simon caught your eye, he stiffened up, looking at you with concern. You shifted uncomfortably in your chair, not wanting to answer the question. You looked down at your hands resting in your lap, embarrassment burning in your cheeks. You nod your head, guilt ringing through you. You felt Doctor Carson’s hand give your knee a squeeze.  
“Okay, don’t worry. We’re just going to do a pregnancy test, just as a precaution. We want to rule every possible cause out.”   
You felt your hands shaking as he passed you the packet. You made your way to the toilet, given Simon one more look before you went in. The worry was spread all across his face, and as much as you tried to hide it, you knew it was spread across your face too.  
Those few minutes were the longest of your life. You and Simon fidgeted in the uncomfortable silence while Doctor Carson made himself busy, pottering around the clinic. Your mind was racing waiting for those results. You hoped and prayed it would be negative, that this really was just a bug. You thought about what Negan would do, what he did to Amber. You saw his reaction first hand when he thought Amber was pregnant. He didn’t want kids, especially not now. Not in this world. How would you even raise a child in this world? You weren’t the type to be with kids, you never had been. You didn’t want a family, you were happy on your own. Too selfish to think about anyone else. You could feel the panic rising inside of you, your head starting to cloud over with all the thoughts that were rushing through it. Doctor Carson started making his way back over to you, your eyes fell straight on his face. There was no smile there anymore.  
“Y/N, the results…well, you’re pregnant.” It didn’t even register straight away. You sat there for a moment, letting the words ring in your ears. _Pregnant_. After a few second you jumped up out of the chair.  
“Well, thanks Doctor, I’m…I’m gonna go, I need to get back to work,” and you ran out of that clinic room as fast as you could, as if running would help you run away from his words, from the truth. You could hear him shouting after you, but you carried on running as fast as your feet would carry you. As you ran, you could feel your vision blurring from the tars that were gathering in your eyes. As you turned the corner, you felt a hand reach out and grab you, forcing you to stop in your tracks. Simon spun you round against the wall, grabbing your other hand as you tried to hit him away.  
“Simon let me go!”  
“No! You need to talk to me!” You struggled against him, trying to free yourself, but it was no use. He was too strong for you. You stopped fighting, you knew he wasn’t going to let you go.  
“Simon, please, I…”  
“Is it mine?” His words took you back.  
“What?...No…I mean…No it isn’t.” His grip was tight on your wrists, never once loosening up.  
“You sure about that?” His face was inches away from yours.  
“It’s not yours.” For a moment, you could swear you saw a hint of sadness spread across his face.  
“Is it…Is it…Adam’s?” Just the sound of his name bought bile swimming into your throat.  
“No it fucking isn’t!!” The tears were threatening to overspill.  
“Then whose is it? Cuz if it ain’t mine then…” he trailed off, lost in a thought, and then he realised, “Please. Please don’t tell me you’ve been fucking Negan.” You couldn’t look Simon in the face, your eyes bolt to the floor, refusing to acknowledge him looming over you. Your heart was racing, thumping so loud in your chest you were sure Simon could hear it. “Y/N…fuck sake baby girl, why? Why him?”  
You couldn’t speak to Simon. You could hear the hurt in his voice and it was breaking your heart. You just shook your head. You couldn’t justify it to him. Simon had always been there for you, always looking out for you, always protecting you, always your guy to fall back on. You lifted your eyes to his face and immediately dropped them again. The hurt was spread across his face. You’d never seen him look so broken, and it was your fault.  
“Simon, I’m sorry…I…” Before you could finish, Simon let go of your wrists, setting you free. Before you knew what happened, his fist came pounding into the wall at the size of your head. You cowered, scared. You’d never seen Simon like this before. He was angry. Really angry. He turned his back on you and walked off down the corridor. You tried to catch your breath, you realised you’d be holding it in Simon’s presence. You tried to compose yourself. You couldn’t let anyone else know about this, not even Negan.

As you walked into the dining room you saw Dwight, Simon and a few other sat around a table in the far corner. You didn’t come here very often anymore, but you needed a change of scenery. As you got closer you saw the only seat left was the seat across from Simon. Your heart was beating in your throat as you drew closer, hoping and pleading that he’d calmed down since earlier. As you sat down, he didn’t even look at you, he barely even acknowledged you were there. You sat there for a few minutes before Simon stood up abruptly and walked away, not even giving you a second glance. You lowered your head staring down at the table. Dwight nudged you, leaning over to whisper in your ear.  
“What’s up with him? He’s been in a mood all day.” You shrugged your shoulder.  
“I don’t know, I haven’t spoken to him today.” But you knew exactly what was wrong. It was you.   
“Really? Cuz umm…a little bird told me you two were arguing earlier.” Your heart sank. Someone had seen you. There was only one person who would have told Dwight.  
“Well, Sherry doesn’t know shit.” You slammed your hands on the table, standing up and stomping away. Dwight called after you but you refused to go back. You’d had enough of people getting involved in your business. You started making your way back to your room when you could feel the nausea growing again. You rushed to the outside as fast as you could, nearly collapsing against a wall as the nausea started to rise from your stomach. You were half relieved when nothing came up, just the sounds of you dry retching. You’d been sick enough to completely empty your stomach. You weren’t sure if this was the morning sickness or the shock of actually finding out you were pregnant. You’d been trying to ignore it all morning but seeing Simon, seeing how upset he was, you couldn’t ignore that. As you leant against the wall, gripping your stomach, you saw a shadow approach you. You raised your eyes to see it was Sherry.  
“Hey Y/N. Are you okay?”   
“Leave me alone, Sherry.” You stood up, taking a deep breath, trying to keep the sickness at bay. You turned to leave when she stopped you.  
“I saw you and Simon earlier.” Your heart dropped.  
“And?” You needed to play this cool. The last thing you wanted was everyone finding out you were pregnant.  
“It looked pretty heated. He was really mad.” You turn to Sherry, coming within an inch of her face.  
“Do you not think I know he was fucking mad?! I was stood right there Sherry! I know he was mad, alright? Now just fucking drop it.”   
“I’m sorry, you just looked…you looked scared. Are you sure you’re okay?”  
“I’m fine.” You turned to walk away until she spoke and the words stopped you dead in your tracks, turning your blood cold.  
“Are you pregnant?” You spun around, eyes wide in disbelief.  
“What?” That pathetic word was all you can manage to force out of your mouth.  
“Everyone knows about you and Simon, he practically told everyone straight away, and now here we are, your random sickness…”  
“It’s a bug.” You cut her off straight away.  
“I know what morning sickness is like, I’ve been there. Y/N I know we don’t always get on, but I do know what it’s like, you know, if you need to talk…”  
“There’s nothing to talk about, I’m not pregnant.” You turned and started to walk away. This time she let you go, only calling out after you.  
“You should tell him.” Her words rung in your ears as you walked further away. There was no way in hell you were going to be telling Negan.

You didn’t see Negan at all for the rest of the day. You kept to your room after your encounter with Sherry. You just wanted to forget about today. You couldn’t be pregnant. It was impossible. Not in this world. Not with that man. You tried to sleep the day away but it was hard with the constant sickness. Your bed wasn’t as comfy as Negan’s and you hated being in bed without him. You had argued with yourself about going to sleep in Negan’s room, but he wasn’t there and the last thing you wanted was another argument today. You pulled the blanket up tight around your neck, curling into a ball, letting the sleepiness take over. You somewhere between consciousness and sleep when you felt a heavy weight on the bed and a warm embrace take you. You smiled to yourself as you felt Negan’s beard scratching its way along your neck, leaving a trail of kisses.  
“Hi,” you sleepily shifted backwards, closing any remaining distance between the two of you.  
“Hey, what did the doctor say?” He trails kisses over your shoulder, slowly lifting your top up to reveal your belly.  
“Not much. It’s just a bug, it’ll pass in a few days.” You hated lying to him, but you already knew what the answer would be, and things had been so good between you two lately, you didn’t want to risk ruining it. You didn’t want this baby and you prayed that somehow fate would take over and Negan would never have to know. He drew circles on your exposed belly, his fingers lightly grazing your skin. The sensation sent chills shooting out through your body.  
“Shit. Need to get you better, I need my top gal back out there with me.” You give his hand a squeeze, trying to change the subject as quickly as possible.  
“So what happened earlier? I’ve not seen you all day.” He sighed.  
“There was a breach on the gate. Couple of walkers got in, but it’s sorted now. Lost a couple of men though.” His voice sounded heavy. Saddened.  
“I’m sorry.” You didn’t know what else to say to him.  
“Don’t worry about it, people are replaceable.” _Yeah don’t I know it._ You smile as he buries his head into your neck, inhaling you. He was like a drug. You could never get enough of the way he touched you, like you were the rarest thing on earth. You relaxed, slowly drifting off to sleep again in his arms. Everything was so good right now, you didn’t want to ruin it. You let the dramas of the day fade away and decided to put it to the back of your mind. All that mattered in that moment was you and Negan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you guys are enjoying this! Been busy so it's took a while to get this chapter out but there should be another update in a couple of days too =)


	20. Chapter 20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon has a surprise waiting at Hilltop for the reader, but with his proposition, will things finally fall into place?

You couldn't exactly pinpoint how long it had been since you'd found out you were expecting, but you knew it had been a good while. Weeks. Maybe months. You weren't sure. You pushed it to the back of your mind and once the morning sickness settled down, it was even easier to forget that there was a tiny human growing inside of you. For now, your stomach still wasn't growing, you were still able to hide the pregnancy from everyone, even from Negan. Things between you and Simon were still tense. Neither of you had really spoken since you found out. But that was for the best. The last thing you needed was Negan seeing one of his outbursts. You rubbed your eyes, the usual lack of sleep causing them to sting. In the past few weeks you'd been finding it increasingly hard to get a decent nights sleep, constantly tossing and turning. You felt the heavy presence of Negan's arm draped across your stomach. Your fingers traced their way up and down it before you pushed it aside. Negan was still asleep, he hadn't come to bed when you did. Being honest, you didn't have a clue where he'd been. He'd been spending more time out lately, but you knew it wasn't with runs. You ignored your concerns and climbed out of bed, deciding to go and get some breakfast ready for your visit to Hilltop today. 

 

For once, it was pretty quiet in the cafeteria. You sat at a small table in the corner, away from the few people that were around. You slowly ate your toast, knowing there was at least a few hours before you'd head off to Hilltop, and for once, you were on you own, a rare occurrence these days. The small clatter coming from the kitchens broke up the silence, but other than that it was peace for you. You closed your eyes, your hand absently coming to rest on your stomach. You were disturbed by another tray coming to rest at the table. You opened your eyes to see Simon sitting across from you. Neither of you said a word. You didn't know what to say to him. You two hadn't been alone since you'd found out, and the way that ended had put a huge strain on your friendship. You weren't even sure that you were friends anymore. The silence between you was awkward. You hated it. Things had never been like this between you and Simon. He’d always been your go to guy, your fall back plan. Your eyes scanned over his face. He was staring out across the room, scanning everyone else in there. You could tell he hadn’t been sleeping much. At least you weren’t the only one struggling to get some sleep around here. You needed to break the silence but you had no idea what to say to him. How could you make this better? Without thinking you reached out and grasped his hand. His eyes darted to yours and you immediately felt your heart pounding in your chest. The sadness that was spread across his face was evident. You could read him like a book and you knew from that moment he found out about Negan, you’d broken his heart. He couldn’t even look at you for long. His eyes darted back to the room and he pulled his hand away from you. You felt the tears immediately prick your eyes.  
“Simon, I..I’m…”  
“You’re what?” He glanced back over at you, his mouth clenched, “You’re sorry? So am I.” He slams his hand down on the table. “I’m sorry you were too stupid to stay away from Negan. I told you. I told you to stay away. Fucks sake Y/N, the guy has five fucking wives, why’d you have to get sucked in too?” He relaxes his hand on the table, taking a deep breath before sighing. You couldn’t even look at him. It was like every time Simon spoke to you now this uncontrollable guilt overtook you, turning you into a mess in his presence. He was right though, and you hated yourself for it. When you first came to the Sanctuary, you’d been so strong willed, you’d fought Negan off time and time again, but now here you were in this mess, all because of him and he had no idea. You knew Simon cared about you, but you never thought this would affect him this much.   
“I never meant to hurt you Simon.”  
You didn’t really believe the words that left your mouth. If it meant you and Negan being together, you would have thrown your best friend under a bus. Simon was good to you…but he just wasn’t Negan.   
“Forget it. We have a run to get to.” And with that he was gone, leaving you alone once again. You’d totally lost your appetite by now. You pushed the plate away, staring into your coffee, swimming in your own thoughts. You still hoped that it was just a mistake, that you weren’t really pregnant, but every time you saw Simon it just reminded you that it was real. His anger was real. It was all _real_.

 

As you walked the hallways back to your room you heard the familiar sound of laughter. Negan’s laughter. You smiled to yourself as you rounded the corner, excited to finally see him awake, but your smile was quickly replaced by a frown when you saw the woman he had himself pressed against. _Amber_. Her eyes locked straight onto you and it took everything in your power not to march right up to them and yank her off of Negan. You remembered what Negan had said, that he needed to keep up appearances. That was all this was. Appearances. Nothing was happening between them. Negan had promised you that that was all over now. You held your head high and pushed past them, ignoring Negan when he said hello and ignoring Amber’s obnoxious moaning of his name. Your blood boiled walking away, thinking of his hands on her. _It’s all just appearances_. It didn’t make it any easier and you weren’t sure if you were just trying to convince yourself that nothing else was going on. The tears stung your eyes as you locked yourself in your room, trying to calm down. In these past months, everything was affecting you so much, even little things that didn’t used to bother you had you in tears. You climbed into your bed, deciding to hide away until it was time for the run.

 

The ride to Hilltop was quiet. Quieter than usual. Negan didn’t try to entertain you today. Hardly a word was spoke between the both of you during the ride and when you did finally arrive at Hilltop, he was quick to leave your side. As usual, you wandered off on your own, circling the small huts, finding a place to be on your own. That wasn’t going to happen today though. As you got yourself comfortable in your usual spot, you heard footsteps coming towards you. You assumed it would be Jesus, he always managed to find you when you visited, but it wasn’t. Simon rounded the corner and locked eyes with you straight away. Just as you opened your mouth to speak, he cut you off.  
“Come with me. I need you to see something.”  
The look on his face was serious. You didn’t dare argue with him, especially when you weren’t at the Sanctuary. You quickly got to your feet and followed Simon, slightly keeping your distance so people wouldn’t suspect anything. He led you behind the huts, keeping out of sight of the others Saviours scattered around Hilltop. You had no idea where Negan was, but at the moment you didn’t care. You followed Simon in silence until he led you back to the clinic. You remembered it from the last time you had been here, with Jesus. Simon held the door open and you walked past him, meeting his eyes but his face not giving anything away from you. Inside the clinic was the doctor and Jesus. You gave Jesus a smile, an odd sense of relief swept over you as he smiled back. Simon shut the door behind you both and rested his hand on your lower back, ushering you further into the room.  
“Simon, what’s going on?” You searched his face for any answer, but there wasn’t none.  
“Just lay on the bed.” You looked around confused. There was a machine next to the bed. You weren’t stupid, You knew exactly what it was and you knew exactly why Simon had bought you here.  
“Simon, I’m not doing this.” You turned to leave but you were met with Simon’s hard chest stopping you, your hands pushed firmly against it. His hands came up and gripped both of your arms, keeping you still.  
“Y/N, this is the one chance you have to see your child. We don’t have long. Do you really wanna give up this chance?” His eyes were tinged with sadness. You turned your head and looked at the machine again, then back at Simon.   
“Simon…I….” The words refused to leave your mouth. You were scared. If you saw the baby on that screen then it all meant that this was real. That it was really happening. Then what would you do? Simon took your hands in his.  
“Y/N, I’m here. I’ll be there all the way if that’s what you want. Negan doesn’t have to know. I care about you so much, I don’t want you to have to go through this alone. If you want me, I’m right here.” You’re head was swimming. You’d never seen this side of Simon before and you didn’t know what to say. Simon had a point. You could lie to Negan and then he’d never know that the baby was his. You nodded at Simon, turning and walking over to the bed. You could feel your whole body shaking. You were terrified.   
“Okay Y/N, I just need you to roll your top up and I’m just gonna put some of this jelly on your stomach and we’ll see what we can find.” The doctor was nice enough. Whether by choice or not, you weren’t sure. Jesus nodded to you before exiting the clinic, leaving you and Simon alone with the doctor. You lifted your top up and laid your head back down. You were sure the doctor would be able to feel you shaking, but he never said anything. The jelly was cold and it made you jump. You grabbed Simon’s hand, resting your head back on the bed, closing your eyes to fight the tears off. Simon was sat beside you. He gripped your hand with both of his, holding your hand to his lips as the doctor began scanning your stomach. It felt like time stood still as he did. You prayed and hoped that he was going to tell you there was nothing there. That it was all just a mistake, but then you felt Simon’s hands tense up around yours. You opened your eyes to look at him and immediately wished you hadn’t. For the first time, you saw Simon’s eyes tinged with tears. They were glazed over, your hand was tight against his lips, his eyes never leaving the screen on the machine. Your heart was thumping loud in your chest as you turned your head to look at the screen. The tears immediately began to fall from your eyes and you couldn’t stop the sobs that began to erupt from you. There on the screen, in plain view, was the shape of a baby. It’s small arms and legs moving, it’s tiny heart fluttering on the screen. Simon leant over to you, wrapping his arm around you and bringing your head to rest under his chin. The tears were falling down your face, you cupped your hand to your mouth to try and suppress the sobs. It was real. This was really happening. Simon kissed the top of your head, pulling you in tighter.   
“Y/N, are you okay? Do you want to stop?” The doctor stood up and handed you some tissues. You took one, drying your eyes and shook your head.  
“No. Can you tell how far I am?” He smiles and puts the probe back onto your stomach, moving it around and clicking at the machine.  
“Well, from these measurements, I’d say you’re about 12 weeks. Maybe slightly over.”  
“Really?...Is it okay? I mean the baby…” Simon still has his arm around you, gripping one of your hands in his.  
“Yes. Baby looks perfectly healthy.” Simon squeezed you tighter, but this time you wrapped your arms around him and squeezed him back. It was real, whether you wanted it to be or not, there was a baby growing inside of you. “It’s not the best but I can get you a picture off if you’d like one.” You nodded, smiling at him.   
“Simon, what am I gonna do?” He cupped your cheek, gently lifting your face to him.  
“I told you, if you want me, I’m here. He doesn’t need to know. I mean, there’s still a chance it could be mine, right?” Your eyes immediately dropped down, not wanting to see the hurt in his face again. You shook your head.  
“I had a period after…after we..” He pulled you tight against his chest. You gripped onto his arm, not wanting to let him go. For weeks, Simon had refused to even glance at you, yet here he was now, when you needed him the most. He was always there when you needed him. His words rung in your ears. Maybe this would be for the best. But you knew Negan would find out. No one could ever keep anything from Negan and you were sure Negan would figure it out. He knew when you and Simon were together. He knew everything. The doctor interrupted you and Simon, handing you a small black and white picture of the baby. You held it, staring in disbelief that this small creature was actually inside of you. Before you could even register what had happened, the door to the clinic burst open and Jesus was thrown onto the clinic floor, Negan standing above him, Lucille resting on his shoulder. Two other Saviours stood outside the door with Dwight. Dwight’s eyes followed the machine and then wandered over to you and Simon, who still had his arm tightly wrapped around your shoulders. His face was full of worry and it made you panic. Negan stood there, scanning the room, until his eyes locked with yours.  
“Everyone get the fuck out now.” Everyone was still, no one daring to move. “I said NOW!” Dwight and the Saviours were the first to exit the clinic, quickly followed by Jesus and the doctor. Simon let go off you and stood to leave but Negan blocked him, waving Lucille in front of his face. You watched the whole scene unfolding before your eyes but there was nothing you could do. You were still on the bed, thecold jelly still spread across your stomach. Simon was stood up beside the bed, Lucille dangerously close to his face. Negan stood blocking the door, that swiftly shut with bang behind him.  
“Not you.” His voice was deep, tainted with anger. Simon backed up a little bit, edging back towards you, positioning himself between Negan and you.  
“Negan…” His glance shot your words down. You felt like he was boring a hole into your soul with his eyes. They were black, completely glazed over with anger.  
“What the fucking fuck is this shit?” Simon turned round to glance at you. You didn’t know what to do. You were too scared to tell him, but being caught in this position with Simon, Negan would think nothing but bad thoughts anyway. You lowered your head and held the picture up for Negan. He glanced at Simon before pushing him aside, who shook his head as he stepped away, letting the distance between you and Negan close. Negan took the picture, Lucille dropping down to his side at the sight of it. You saw his whole expression change before your eyes. You couldn’t tell what it was but his face became softer. His whole demeanour softened. Silent tears were falling from your eyes. He stared at the picture and then at you. His words made all of it seem so much more real.

“You’re pregnant?”


	21. Chapter 21

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Negan and the reader finally have to face up to reality, but what will the outcome be?

His words lingered in the air. You daren’t speak. Your face was doing the talking for you. Tears fell silently down your cheeks and your shoulders heaved as you tried to stop the sobs escaping your lips. Negan’s mouth was parted. He didn’t need an answer. He already knew the answer. It all made sense to him now. The tiredness, the sickness, losing your appetite, being emotional all the time. It all clicked. But then he looked from you to Simon and his face changed again. Within a flash, he was on top of Simon. Simon was pinned against the wall, Lucille pressing harshly against his cheek.  
“I will fucking bash your skull to holy hell…” You didn’t let Negan finish before instinct took over and you dived between them both, using all your might to push Negan backwards. He stumbled but then was straight back on top of you, gripping your arm and yanking you out the way. You lost your footing and your face came colliding with the cold ground of the clinic. You immediately felt something wet oozing from your lip. You pushed yourself up, touching the liquid to see blood. You looked at your hand and then at Simon and Negan, who were both stood dead in their tracks staring at you. Simon stepped forward but Negan bent down to you.  
“Shit, Y/N, are you ok?” He reached his hand out to touch your shoulder but you pulled away.  
“Don’t fucking touch me Negan.”  
His face hardened and you saw his grip on Lucille tighten. He stood up, giving you one last look before he stormed out of the clinic. As soon as the door slammed shut, Simon came down to you, taking you in a tight embrace. The tears fell down your face. Now Negan had gone, you felt like you could finally breathe again. Your body was shaking with each sob that escaped your lips. Simon just held you against his chest, his hand absently running through your hair.  
“Y/N, we need to get going, before anyone else catches us. Are you ok?” You nod your head, taking some deep breaths, trying to calm yourself down. Simon lifts your face, wiping your tears away. After a few moments, you’ve calmed down enough to stand up. The blood is still wet on your lip and you can feel a bad throbbing pain above your eye. As you and Simon walk out of the clinic you look around for the other Saviours, but there were none in sight. All of the trucks apart from one were gone. You look around confused and then look at Simon.  
“Simon, where..where is everyone?” The look on Simon’s face is harsh, he kicks at the ground, walks back and fourth and then comes back to wrap an arm around you.  
“Dicks, man….they fucking left us. He fucking left us.” Just as he finishes, you see Jesus storming towards you both. He grabs your hand and pulls you away from Simon.  
“You need to leave. She’s staying here.” Simon laughs, coming straight back on Jesus.  
“I don’t think so.”  
“Well I do,” Jesus squares up to Simon, they are inches apart with Jesus still holding onto your arm, “Look at her face. What did you do to her?!”  
“It wasn’t him! I did it myself,” You pull your arm free and take a few steps back, “I tripped. Simon we need to go.” He pushes his way past Jesus who calls after you. You both walk to the car and climb in, knowing you have to get this sorted with Negan before word starts spreading.

\--

The sun beat down on the car as Simon drove along, you resting your head on your hand, eyes staring out the window at the passing trees.  
“You know, I could just turn this car around and we could leave.”  
“Don’t Simon.”  
“Think about it. We could just vanish, no one would know.”  
“Simon, stop.”  
“Y/N I care about you. More than I have anyone, even before all this shit kicked off. As soon as I laid eyes on you on top of that car I knew you was something special. You’ve always been number one. I don’t get it…”  
“Simon, just shut up.”  
“No, I won’t. I’m offering you a way out. Me and you. Without him ruling over us. We could be…”  
“STOP IT!” The tears blurred your vision and you felt your heart beating in your throat. “Simon, I can’t. I need to speak to Negan…” You looked over to Simon and could see the hurt in his face. “Just take me back to Sanctuary.”  
Simon rubbed down his moustache, his jaw clenched. You knew you’d upset him, but you had to see Negan. You couldn’t just vanish without him knowing the truth. You looked over at Simon and you realised as much as you did care about him and love him, you weren’t in love with him. You had to speak to Negan. You both spent the rest of the ride in silence. 

\--

As you pulled up to the Sanctuary, Dwight opened the gates for you. You waved him over to the car.  
“Where is he?”  
“In his office…Y/N, I wouldn’t go. I don’t know what happened but…”  
“Simon go.”  
You ignore Dwight’s warning. As soon as Simon pulls into the safety of Sanctuary, you leap form the car, running to Negan’s office. You’re thankful that you didn’t bump into anyone on the way. When you reached his door, you stood there for a moment, listening. You couldn’t hear any signs of movement inside. You heart was beating faster than it ever had, your whole body shaking with nerves. Everything is quiet as you knock on the door, your heartbeat loud in your ears. Your heart skips a beat when you hear his voice from the other side of the door.  
“I’m busy. Fuck off.” You roll your eyes at his words and push the door open. He’s about to shout when his face meets yours. You’d never seen him look like this before. He looked sad…really sad. His eyes were red. You wondered to yourself whether he’d been crying. You’d never seen him look so vulnerable before. He picked Lucille up off his desk and pointed her at you. “You can definitely fuck off. Get your stuff and fucking leave.” You slammed the door behind you, anger suddenly boiling up in your veins.  
“Negan, please.” He rubbed his hand over his face and let out a deep sigh.  
“Y/N, just get the fuck out before I do something I’m gonna regret.” You straighten up your body, walking round to him, leaning on the desk beside him.  
“Negan, listen to me.” You put your hand on his shoulder and he pushes your hand away.  
“I said go.” You hated that he was being so dismissive of you without even hearing what you had to say.  
“Negan. It’s yours.” His eyes wander over to you, scanning your face. His knuckles are turning white from his tight grip on Lucille.  
“Don’t lie to me.” You tighten your fist, trying to resist the urge to punch him.  
“What do you fucking take me for? The baby is yours. You’re the only one I’ve slept with Negan. It’s fucking yours.” You taste blood in your mouth as you bite into your lip, splitting open the cut.  
“What about Simon?” He suddenly jumps up, straight on top of you, gripping your face in his hand, forcing you to look at him. “Why was he there? You two got some little arrangement I don’t know about?” Your furrow your brows at him, annoyed that he’s treating you this way.  
“He took me there. He wanted me to have the scan. I didn’t want to. I didn’t want any of this.” His grip tightens on your face.  
“So you told him…before you told me?” He had that sick smile across his face. You used all your might and pushed him backwards. You hated when he mocked you like that. ”Of course he fucking knew before you seeing as you walked out on me when I was with doc! That was when I found out! You weren’t there…he was…that’s how he found out.” You slump back onto the table, and Negan falls back into his chair. An awkward silence falls between you. The silence only made the anger in you grow. Your knuckles turning white as you gripped onto the desk. You thought about the picture in your pocket. The tiny baby growing inside of you. You couldn’t stand to be here in this room with him any longer. You ripped the picture from your pocket and slammed it on the desk.  
“There’s your fucking child Negan. Don’t worry, I’m getting rid of it.” You turn to leave, tears blurring your vision when you feel his tight grasp on your wrist, yanking you backwards to face him. He was up now, towering over you, your wrist firmly trapped in his hand.  
“Was that a threat?” His eyes were glazed over, completely black. You clench your jaw, pulling your arm and ripping it from his grasp. You speak through gritted teeth.  
“It wasn’t a fucking threat, it was a promise.” You turn on your heels and storm out of his office.

 

As you slam your door shut, you collapse against it, tears streaming down your face. Everything that had happened today had taken its toll on you. Simon, Negan, the baby. None of this would ever have happened if those walkers had killed you. You wished now more than anything that they had. You had a life growing inside of you that you didn’t want, you were in love with a man who didn’t want you, and you had a best friend who’d fallen in love with you. Things felt like they were spiralling out of control. You walked over to your drawers, pulling out a half drank bottle of whiskey. You already felt like a mess. You didn’t want this baby and Negan clearly didn’t want it. You had nothing to lose. You took a gulp from the bottle, the liquid stinging your throat as it went down. Millions of thoughts were running through your head as you took another drink. You’d thought about running away many times before, but he’d always stopped you. Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad running with Simon. If he wanted to take care of you, who were you to stop him? You could start over, away from Sanctuary, away from Negan. You lifted the bottle to your lips one more time.  
“Put that down.” You jumped at the words, dropping the bottle so that it smashed all over the side and floor.  
“Shit!” You leant down trying to pick up the broken pieces of glass, you look over and see Negan stood there, leaning against the bathroom door. “What do you fucking want?”  
“That’s not a nice way to speak to your baby daddy is it doll?” You tightened your grip on the piece of glass in your hand, feeling the edges cut into your skin.  
“Fuck you Negan.” You stood up, marching across to him. You gave him a hard shove on his chest, yet he barely even moved an inch. “Just get out! Just go!” He laughs, pushing his way past you and rests Lucille at the side of your bed. He takes off his leather jacket and throws it on the bed too, then turns to face you, a serious look on his face.  
“So it’s really mine huh?” You roll your eyes, anger bubbling over.  
“Just get the fuck out Negan! I’m not going over this again!”  
“Alright darling, chill out. So it’s mine. What in the shit are we gonna do now?” You fold your arms, staring him down.  
“ _We_ are not doing anything. _I_ am getting rid of it so don’t worry, you don’t need to play daddy, Negan.” You didn’t really believe the words as they rolled off your tongue, something was niggling away at you deep inside, but you didn’t know what. Negan took a step towards you and instinctively, you took a step back, maintaining the distance between you two.  
“And how exactly do you plan on doing that?”  
“I’ll speak to doc, go back to Hilltop if I have to. I don’t know, but I am not keeping it.” He rubbed his hand along his beard, his eyes meeting yours.  
“How far along are you?”  
“Why do you care?” He takes a step forward and you feel your bum hit the table.  
“Do not make me fucking ask again doll.” His breathe was warm on your cheek.  
“12 weeks.” He lets out a sigh, resting his head against your cheek.  
“Sit down.” You turn your head towards him, confused by his request. He backs off allowing you space to move. “Sit down. We need to talk.”  
You walk over to your sofa, adrenaline coursing through your veins. You take a seat and watch him as he walks over to you. He takes your hand in his as he sits down. The odd sign of affection makes you nervous. He’d never been so gentle. The gesture was almost sweet, but you couldn’t help feeling uneasy about the whole thing. You noticed he looked different. Softer. His eyes were glazed over, they weren’t their usual black, but a deep brown instead.  
“Negan, what’s…” He shushes you, closing his eyes.  
“I need to tell you something, but I need you to be quiet while I do, ok?” You nod your head at him, your eyes not leaving his face, seeing this sadness wash over him. “So me and…Lucille…we were married for a long time. Teenage sweethearts, she was there through everything. Well, a few years after we got married, we found out she was pregnant. I tell you what, I had never been so happy and so scared all at the same time. She was over the moon,” you saw a hint of a smile at his lips, “well, you know, everything was great. I still remember the first time we saw her moving on the screen. Everything went fine until she didn’t feel her moving. She was 29 weeks. She just stopped. Just like that. Her little heart just gave out. We got to hold her. Well, I did. Lucille…she was too heart broken. She was so tiny Y/N. Her little hands, her little feet. She was perfect. I can’t remember how long I spent with her before they took her away. She was so beautiful. Lucille wasn’t the same after. Neither was I. That ruined us before the cancer ever did. She became so distant, I started staying out and drinking all the time. She didn’t ever recover from it, neither did I. Y/N…I just don’t want the same thing to happen to you.” He squeezed your hand. Your saw a single tear roll down his cheek. Your eyes had glazed over listening to him talk. Your heart was breaking for him. Now you understood why he was like this. So distant from everyone. You reached your hand up and wiped the tear away, cupping his cheek as you did. You had never seen Negan so vulnerable, you weren’t even sure he could be vulnerable, but here he was, sat in front of you, pouring his heart out. Your voice shook as you spoke.  
“Negan, I am not Lucille. That’s not going to happen to me. I’m a fighter, remember?” He looked to you and smiled. His hand came across and rested on your stomach. You felt butterflies shoot up through your body.  
“So you’re not gonna get rid?” You smile at him, finally feeling at ease.  
“Not if you really want to do this.” He leans forward and pulls you into a tight squeeze, kissing the top of your head.  
“This is all I want doll.” You wrap your arms around his waist, taking a deep breath as you feel your body relax underneath him. You actually believed the words that were coming from his mouth. Finally it would just be you three together. “Come on doll, let’s go to bed.” He pulls you into a kiss, his hands finding your hips and lifting you up when he stands. You wrap your legs around his waist as he carries you over to the bed, kissing along your neck. In that moment, you finally felt like things were slowly falling into place.


	22. Chapter 22

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> News of the baby has begun to spread throughout the Sanctuary and as new discoveries are made, old friends turn away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry this has taken so long to upload!! I've been so busy with work and uni that it's given me such horrible writer's block! I'm not happy at all with this chapter but hopefully the next couple of ones will make up for it! If you're still reading thank you so much form still sticking with me!

Things had changed drastically over the past few weeks. Negan refused to let you go on runs anymore, he didn’t want any harm coming to you, and he was determined to keep you safe. You mostly spent your days wandering around The Sanctuary, keeping an eye on things for Negan. So far you had still managed to hide the pregnancy from everyone. The only people that knew were you, Negan and Simon. Negan had been quick to shut Sherry down. Whether she believed him or not, you weren’t sure, but for now, she’d kept her mouth shut. Simon had avoided you at every chance he got. Every time he saw you he would bolt in the opposite direction and now that Negan wasn’t letting you out on runs, you saw him even less. On the odd occasions that he was forced to face you, he couldn’t even look you in the eyes. Since that day you came back to Negan, things between you two were done. He barely spoke two words to you now, and it wasn’t going unnoticed. Negan was the first to notice, and as usual, his little digs just made the situation worse. You couldn’t help but feel like this whole situation could have been avoided if you’d just stayed away from Negan. You sighed as you examined yourself in the mirror. Thankfully your belly hadn’t grown out too much yet. You were still able to get in your jeans and the baggy tops helped to hide any weight you’d started to put on. Negan was out again so you decided to take yourself for a walk around the Sanctuary. The air was hot but there was a slight chill on the wind, making it just bearable for you. You walked up some metal steps and sat on top of the scaffolding overlooking the walker pen. You let your legs dangle off the edge as you observed the walkers below, the odd worker dodging out of their grasps. You hand absently rested on your stomach, thinking of how this baby would cope in this new world. How you would cope. It wasn’t exactly the best circumstances to be raising a baby, and you could think of a million other situations you would rather bring a baby into than this, but at least you weren’t doing it alone now. Since he found out, Negan had really stepped up. He hadn’t been near his wives for weeks and the rumour mill was ripe with whispers. Negan had been with you most nights and the nights he wasn’t…you weren’t sure…but you believed him when he said he’d stay away from them, that things were going to be different. You were momentarily disturbed by footsteps coming up the metal steps. You looked over to see Dwight heading up to you. It had been a while since you’d spoken to Dwight as well and his presence gave you an odd sense of relief.  
“Hey Dwight, you coming to join me?” You smile at him, shifting slightly to make room for him to join you. He smiled back, placing himself next to you.  
“Why aren’t you coming on the runs anymore?” You could always trust Dwight to cut straight to it. The question caught you off guard and you weren’t entirely sure what to tell him. You could feel yourself hesitating and he noticed straight away. “You know, people are saying you’re pregnant.” His words caught you off guard, your head snapping in his direction.  
“Wh..What? Who? Who’s been saying that?” You could tell straight away who it was by the look on his face, “Sherry.”  
The look on his face said it all. He stared down, straight into his hands. You felt a sense of panic spring through your body. Was everyone bout to find out your secret.  
“It’s true, isn’t it?” You couldn’t answer him. Tears pricked your eyes. You hated that you felt so guilty and dirty keeping this secret. The answer was clearly showing on your face as he let out a deep sigh. “Y/N…”  
“I…I’m sorry Dwight. I just…I didn’t want anyone to know.”  
“How’s that working out for you?” Your eyes met the floor and an awkward silence fell over you. You knew he was right. Keeping this a secret wasn’t going to work for much longer. You had to be at least 18 weeks now, pretty soon you’d be showing. Your jeans were already getting tight, soon the baggy tops wouldn’t be able to hide it. “Does Simon know?” You looked at him puzzled.  
“Yeah…he knows…” You felt Dwight’s eyes wander over to you, burning a hole in your face. You felt guilt take over you at the very mention of Simon’s name. You hated that you were plagued with this guilt. It wasn’t like you and Simon were together. He was just a friend and, in your eyes, that’s all he ever had been. So why did you feel guilty? You hadn’t spoken to each other for weeks. He kept away from you now and when you did pass each other, he didn’t even look at you.  
“Is this why you two have been avoiding each other? I’m not the only person to notice you two hardly speak anymore.” You could feel tears filling your eyes. It hadn’t dawned on you yet, but you realised you were losing your friend. “Doesn’t he want it? Is that why you’ve been avoiding each other?” You shook your head, unable to even look at Dwight.  
“It isn’t his.” The words felt like spitting out glass. Your eyes scanned over Dwight’s face. He was frowning, trying to work out who the father was. You sighed, feeling the weight of your words resting down on you. You knew it wouldn’t be long before everyone knew your secret.  
As you sat there in silence, you heard the distant rumble of engines. You stood up, trying to get a better view of the road outside of the fences. There, making its way to the gates, was Negan’s truck. Without a second thought, you bolted down the stairs, leaving Dwight behind. 

As the truck pulled into the gates, you folded your arms, waiting for Negan to get out, but it wasn’t him who exited the truck first. Your eyes met Simon’s as he jumped out of the truck, heading straight for you, but looking right through you, as if you weren’t even there. Your eyes fell to the deep crimson patch stained into his grey top, splatters up his neck. Your mouth fell open at the sight of the blood, you instinctively searched over his body for a bite, but you couldn’t see one. As he came closer you reach out for him, your fingers grasping onto his wrist.  
“Simon…”  
The desperation in your voice was clear, but Simon was having none of it. Without even a glance at you, he ripped his arm from your grasp. His name lingered on your lips as he stormed off towards the clinic. Panic set over you as your mind wondered to Negan, but as you should have known, you had nothing to worry about. His white shirt had the odd few red splodges, but nothing major. Nothing like Simon. He strolled towards you, Lucille hanging lazily by his side, swinging to the rhythm of his walking. You couldn’t help but notice the clumpy red mush that clung to her wires. Negan had killed something…or someone. No wonder he seemed in such a good mood. A smug smile was spread across his face, his eyes locked onto you. You turned your head, searching for Simon, but he was gone.  
“Doll, I have got one hell of a surprise for you.” There was a sense of cheer in his voice. You looked at him, puzzled.  
“What do you mean?” He grabbed your hand but you quickly pulled it away. “Negan! What if someone sees?” A low, sarcastic laugh left his lips.  
“Well doll, you get any bigger than that,” he motioned to your swollen stomach, “Everyone’s gonna know. Might as well let the whole fucking world now!” He laughed and grabbed your hand again, pulling you towards the truck. You couldn’t help but hang your head down. You weren’t ready yet for everyone to find out about you and Negan, but you knew once he got something set in his mind, there was no changing it. He let go of your hand and threw open the door of the truck.  
“Surprise doll! How fucking awesome is this?”  
Your eyes slowly made their way up to the van. You were terrified of what Negan was going to show you, but when your eyes did finally meet the back of the van, your mouth fell open in disbelief. There, with Negan leaning on its side, was a beautiful white, wooden crib. It was worn in some places, but that only added to its charm. You stepped up into the back of the truck, your fingers gliding along the wood. You looked at the mobile that was clipped on the side, the soft blue boats hanging freely above the blue sheets. Your mind became clouded to the family this belonged to. Where did Negan find it? Were they still alive?  
“Negan…where did…” He shushed you, pulling you into a tight embrace.  
“It was abandoned. We came across it a few days ago and today…well…I just thought you needed cheering the fuck up! So how about a fucking thank you?”  
You reach up to him, Simon still niggling away at the back of your mind, and kiss his cheek.  
“Thank you Negan.”  
“That’s fucking better! Now, let’s eat! I’m about ready to talk a bite of those fucking walkers out there.” He playfully smacks your ass, forcing you to take a step away from him. He followed you, Lucille playfully swinging back and forward, people dropping to their knees as you made your way through Sanctuary.

 

After seeing Simon in the state he was, it had done nothing but play on your mind. You absently twirled your fork into the bland mess on your plate. Negan was talking, but his words weren’t registering with you, your mind elsewhere instead.  
“Y/N?...Y/N?”  
“Huh?” Your eyes shot up and you realised Negan was staring at you, a frown covering his face as he realised you’d not really been listening to him at all.  
“Have you been listening to a fucking word I’ve been saying?”  
“I’m sorry…I just…I can’t stop thinking about Simon.”  
“Why the fuck you thinking about him for?”  
“I…I don’t know. Is he alright? He looked hurt. He…” Negan’s fist connected with the table.  
“He’s fucking fine! Man thinks with his fucking dick instead of his head and got attacked.” He points a finger at you. “You and that pretty ass are gonna get my men seriously fucking hurt.”  
“What?...What do you mean?” A slow sarcastic laugh left his lips. He rubbed his hand over his beard, his eyes falling shut and then meeting your gaze.  
“Doll… _really?_ The poor guys fucking in love with you. Fuck, he was even willing to run away with you and _my_ baby.” Panic rose through your body. How did he know that?  
“N…Negan…I…” He lent in close to you.  
“You don’t have to apologise doll, he already did that. Who else was gonna help me bring that crib back here? But, _doll_ , if I hear any more about this ‘running away together’ bullshit, it’ll be a lot worse than the iron for him _and you_.” You look down at your plate and nod. Negan was pissed. He never threatened you unless he meant it. The rest of your meal together was silent, before he got up and took off to do his nightly check of the Sanctuary.

On your way back to your room, you found yourself passing Simon’s room. You walked past but then stopped dead in your tracks. You couldn’t take Negan’s word for it. You had to know for yourself whether he was ok. You stepped back and knocked on the door. It was a moment before you heard movement inside. Simon opened the door. He was no longer covered in blood and he looked tired, fed up.  
“What do you want?” His words were so short and blunt that it caught you off guard.  
“Simon…I just…I just wanted to say…thanks…for, you know…getting the crib.”  
“Well I didn’t have much of a choice.”  
“No…I know…I’m sorry.”  
“Is that it?”  
“Are you ok? Did you get hurt?”  
“Look Y/N, I don’t want any part of this anymore. I gave you your chance, you chose him. God only fucking knows why but you did. I’m not playing this game with you anymore. I work for Negan, not you, so whatever this is…it’s over.”  
“B…But…Simon…” You could feel tears welling in your eyes, “You’re my friend…”  
“That ship sailed a long ass time ago sweetcheeks.” And with those words, he closed the door in your face. You could feel your heart breaking, silent sobs trying to force their way from your body. You ran back to your room before anyone had a chance to see how upset you were. As you closed your door, you finally allowed the tears to fall from your eyes. Your eyes fell onto the beautiful white crib that was now perfectly positioned at the foot of your bed. Your hand absently wandered to rest on your stomach. There was no denying this now. It had all become so real. But you couldn’t help but feel broken over the loss of one of your only friends in this world. This was it now. It was just you, Negan and the baby. _The perfect little family_. You climbed into bed, alone and heart broken, waiting for Negan to come.


	23. Chapter 23

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The reader searches for Negan with a few surprises along the way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry it's been a while since I've updated! I've been really busy and had a lot going on, but hopefully now I'll be back to updating regularly! Thanks for sticking with me <3

The weeks were going by slowly. Day after day spent alone in your room, constantly waiting for Negan to come back from his run. You weren’t sure if it was in your mind or not, but it felt like he’d been visiting you less and less. You didn’t blame him though. He had to keep appearances up, showing his face around The Sanctuary, keeping his wives in check. Your hand rubbed idly against your small bump. Well…if wasn’t going to be small for much longer. The tops were beginning to hug at your bump, it was becoming harder and harder to hide it. You weren’t sure how many people knew you were pregnant, but by the constant stares and whispering, you were sure almost everyone knew by now, but if they did, they weren’t saying anything directly to you. Negan was becoming more public with his actions towards you, but no one had dared to say anything. Simon had completely avoided you, you hadn’t even been in the same room as him since he told you he wanted nothing more to do with you. You still felt pained every time your eyes found him. You had watched him from your room, crossing the yard, yelling orders out, but you hadn’t even had the chance to speak to him again. You knew people were whispering about you two. It was obvious to see that you had fell out. You’d gone from talking every day to never being in the same room. You’d heard the odd whisper of Simon being the dad, but you didn’t say anything to correct them. It was better them thinking it was Simon than having to explain to everyone how you were suddenly pregnant with Negan’s child. 

Your eyes wandered over to the white cot at the end of your bed, untouched since Negan had had it delivered to your room. The thought of bringing a baby into this new world terrified you, but at least you knew you would both be safe within the walls of The Sanctuary. There were hardly any kids in The Sanctuary, the new addition was sure to make heads turn. As you sat there deep in your own thoughts, you suddenly felt a flutter in your stomach. The odd sensation made you jump, immediately placing your hand in the spot where you had felt the flutter. The flitter was replaced by a thump from deep in your stomach. You let out a small laugh realising what it was. The baby. _Your baby_. Another kick landed against your hand. Your felt a huge swell of emotion taking over your body. You’d never felt like this before. It felt like your heart was going to leap from your chest, your thoughts were clouded by this small being inside of you. You leapt from the bed, quickly shoving your feet in your trainers and running out the door. You needed to find Negan. You needed to let him know about your baby. You ran to his usual spots, his office, the training yard, he was nowhere to be found. You decided to check the gym, although you knew it was the last place Negan would be. As you neared the gym, you could hear movement inside. The sounds of punches landing against a punchbag grew louder and you walked through the door. You stopped dead in your tracks as your eyes fell on Simon. You watched as he pounded his fists into the bag, the anger evident in his face. You couldn’t help but feel a wave of guilt wash over you. Simon had been so good to you, he’d taken care of you and all you’d done was throw it back in his face. You took a step inside, slowly closing the door behind you. Simon was too focused and didn’t hear the door close. You took a step forward and called his name, but again he didn’t hear you, wether he was purposely ignoring you, you weren’t sure. You called his name again, louder this time, and Simon stopped, turning to look at you. You both stared at each other for a second before he turned on his heels and began to walk out of the opposite door.

“Simon! Please…” He doesn’t acknowledge you and continues to move towards the door. “You can’t avoid me forever!” He stops abruptly and turns towards you. There is a mixture of anger and sadness spread across his face. You’re not sure how long either of you stand there staring at each other, just that you can’t take your eyes off him. He shakes his head and begins walking to the door again. “Simon!....I felt the baby move…” You notice his whole body tense at your words. You can tell he’s talking through gritted teeth.

“Fantastic. Why don’t you go and tell Negan?” 

“I was looking for him but….I…I found you first.” He turns to you, holding his hands up.

“Well congratu-fucking-lations. Goodbye Y/N.”

“Simon please!...” You run forward and grab his wrist before he has a chance to walk away from you, placing his hand against your stomach. Before he has a chance to pull away, the small feet kick out against his hand. You feel him relax under your grasp. “Did you feel it?” You watch his face intently, looking for even a small twitch of a smile.

“Whoa…that’s…” Another kick causes a smile to spread across his face. “That’s amazing. You’ve got a little fighter in there…Takes after his mom.” 

You let out a smile and before you know what you’re doing you wrap your arms around Simon’s chest, pulling him into a tight embrace. To your surprise, he doesn’t push you away. Instead, he wraps his arms around you, resting one hand on the back of your head.

“I’ve missed you Simon.”

“It’s for the best. I forgot my place. Negan can take care of you, better than I ever could. It’s best that I just keep my distance.” 

With that, he plants a small kiss on the top of your head and turns to leave. You open your mouth, ready to argue with him, but you know he’s right. Negan can protect you, better than anyone, and now, it isn’t just you that you need to think of. Simon leaves the gym, leaving you standing there in silence, consumed by your own thoughts.

\--

You had looked everywhere for Negan but he was nowhere to be found. You’d been walking around in circles looking for him. The excitement of feeling the baby’s first movements had worn off now that you couldn’t find him to share it with. You decided to make your way back to your room. You were tired and your mood was quickly declining. As you walked past Negan’s office you heard the familiar sound of his deep laugh coming from inside. He’d been a ghost all morning and now here he was in his office. You tried to talk yourself out of bursting in but before you knew it your hand was on the door and the sight inside made your blood boil. Amber was draped across the table in front of Negan, his hand resting on her bare thigh. It was a moment before either of them realised you were stood in the doorway. You couldn’t see clearly, tears were blurring your vision but you managed to hold it together, just for a few seconds.

“I’ve been looking for you all day. _Our baby_ kicked me today…for the first time…but clearly you’ve got better things to do.”

You felt your voice starting to crack and made your exit before either of them could reply. Your heart was pounding in your chest as you made your way back to your room. As soon as you shut your door the tears flowed down your face. Your heart felt heavy in your chest and there was a lump in your throat that you just couldn’t get rid of. You wanted Negan to keep his façade up, but this was behind closed doors. Why was he doing that? You felt sick at the thought of him and Amber. The feeling was getting worse and making its way up from your stomach. You run to the bathroom, hand clamped to your mouth before letting it all out in the toilet. Your face was wet from tears, your top soaked in sweat. You rested your head against the cold tiles on the wall, that was when you heard his voice.

“Doll, what are you doing?” His voice sent shockwaves through you, forcing all the anger and upset to flow from you.

“Just…just leave me…go away…” You could barely speak through the sobs. He walks off and comes back a few seconds later with a glass of water.

“Don’t be like that,” He hands the glass to you. You reluctantly take it. “Doll, what is wrong?”

“You were all over her Negan. You promised that was over now.” He brings his hand to your cheek, wiping away the tears with his thumb.

“It is over. Doll, you’re overreacting.”

“Don’t you dare tell me how to feel Negan!” You push his hand away, “I saw you! You were draped over her! I’m such an idiot…” You wiped the tears away before they could spill from your eyes. You pushed Negan away and got to your feet. “I’m going to bed Negan, just leave me alone.” You tried to push past him but he blocked you.

“Come to bed with me. Cut out this nonsense. You’re just emotional.” You couldn’t control what happened next. Your fist connected so hard with his cheek that the sound echoed throughout the bathroom. You immediately clasped your hand to your mouth, unable to believe what you had just done. He let out a slow laugh, taking a step towards you. You were frozen, unable to move, scared by what the consequences would be. “Now Y/N, I’m gonna put this behaviour down to the fact that your hormones are driving you bat shit crazy, but you need to get a grip,” he grabs your wrist, pulling you towards his room, “Now come to bed, get some sleep, and we’ll talk about this in the morning.” 

You didn’t have the energy to fight him anymore. You reluctantly walked into his room and sat yourself on the bed, kicking off your boots. Negan came and sat next to you, gentle rubbing your back. You could feel the tears welling in your eyes again.

“I…I just love you Negan…and…you’re doing that….with _her_.” Your body shudders as you hold back a sob.

“Doll, nothing was going on. She came in to talk, I told her what was what, that’s all. She tried it, nothing happened. I promise you Y/N, nothing happened.” He pulls you in tight against his chest and you can’t help but bury your face into his chest, inhaling him. A sense of relief washes over you. Here you were, not Amber, in his arms, in his bed. You felt the baby give an almighty kick and jumped at the feeling. “What’s wrong?” 

You smile and grab his hand, placing it over your stomach. “Just wait.” You closed your eyes, willing the baby to kick once more. It worked. The baby gave out another kick, and then another, and another. You let out a small laughed and looked up to Negan. His face was a mix of happiness and astonishment. His eyes were gleaming at your stomach. 

“Wow.”

“That’s our baby.” You smiled, placing your hand over his. Negan leant forward and placed a kiss on the top of your head. He pulled your top off over your head and then helped you take off your trousers before climbing into the bed with you. He pulled you into a cuddle, burying his face into your neck and leaving his hand resting on your stomach. With his touch, the baby went crazy, kicking and moving around. That night you fell asleep with a smile on your face. No matter what was happening around you, Negan was here, with you, with your baby. Amber didn’t matter. None of them did. And soon they would be out of the picture completely.


	24. Chapter 24

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Negan has a surprise in store for the reader, but the day turns into something much worse...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to all who are still reading! Life has been so hectic recently so I'm thankful you're still here and still reading!

You never did get any answers about Amber. Negan had avoided the question like the plague. Whether it was guilt or something else, you couldn’t tell, but you decided it was best for everyone to stop asking about it. Negan wasn’t giving you answers any time soon, and after all, it was you he was spending every night with. You who was carrying his baby. That news had spread quickly through The Sanctuary. There wasn’t a single person in this place now that didn’t know about you and Negan. You’d heard the whispers yourself. Is she a wife now? How could she be so stupid? How could Negan do this? You knew people were questioning Negan’s motives, but you had every faith in him. He’d always protected you before, this was going to be no different.

It had been one of those weeks again. You’d hardly seen Negan apart from passing moments in the corridors and the late night disturbances of him climbing into bed. You were just glad that now everything was out in the open the wives were staying clear of you. Negan still visited them of course, made sure they were okay and taken care of, but none of his usual business. Amber continued to try and catch Negan on his own, but he’d made sure to push her away. She didn’t like that. Not one bit. You couldn’t help but feel a touch of pleasure every time you saw Negan brush her off. As you laid in Negan’s bed that morning, the sun shining through the windows, your baby doing flips in your stomach, you couldn’t help but feel a sense of peace wash over you. Even though the world had gone to shit, the dead were walking around eating the living, you had one small bit of normality back in your life. A family. You laid there, dreaming of what your life would be like once the baby was here. You knew this wasn’t going to end like it did with Lucille. It couldn’t. You were disturbed from your thoughts by a knocking on the door. Who is that? You forced yourself out of bed and made your way to the door. Your eyes lit up when you saw it was Simon standing there. You had to stop yourself from diving onto him for a hug. It had felt like months since you’d last seen him.   
“Simon! Do you want to come in?” You stood aside, letting him walk into the room. “How are you? What are you doing here?” You closed the door behind him.  
“Negan sent me. He wants you to come to Hilltop today.” Simon kept his back to you, and realised your bump was showing a lot more in top you had on. You folded your arms, trying to cover it.  
“Really? He doesn’t normally let me leave here anymore without a fight.”  
“Yeah, well he had a surprise for you. Just get dressed Y/N. We have to go soon.”  
He still couldn’t bring himself to look at you. You nodded and busied yourself getting ready. You didn’t want to think it, but you had a feeling Negan had sent Simin here on purpose. To upset him. Or you. To play games. You knew exactly what Negan could be like when he wanted to play games. You had been on that side of him after all. You got dressed as fast as you could and then followed Simon to the trucks.

You expected to see Negan waiting by the trucks, but he was nowhere in sight.  
“Where’s Negan?” Simon opened the door of his truck.  
“He’s already there. I’m under strict instructions not to let you out of my sight so…hop in.”   
He motioned for you to get in the truck. You do exactly as he says. Out of all of the saviours, you’d rather travel with Simon anyway, even if things were still rocky between you. 

The journey to Hilltop was silent. After everything that had happened, you felt like Simon didn’t deserve small talk, he deserved so much more but you didn’t know what to say to him. You’d seen the hurt you’d caused, glistening in his eyes. He couldn’t even look at you anymore. You knew you had ruined something special between you, but it was too late to try and fix that now. As you pulled into Hilltop, you saw Negan in his usual stance, waving Lucille around in front of a crowd on bent knees. It was one thing you didn’t think you would ever get used to and one thing you just didn’t understand about him. You knew Negan had a sadistic side, but making people kneel to him, you were just glad he’d never made you do it. You stepped out of the care, making your way towards Negan. As soon as he laid eyes on you his smile grew even bigger.  
“And there she is! The woman of the hour!” He wraps an arm around you and pulls you close to his chest, still waving Lucille around. “I’ve got a **big** surprise for you! Dwight, anyone moves, makes a peep, anything, you kill them. Simon you’re with us.”   
Your eyes meet Simon’s as Negan guides you past, the look on his face tears you up inside. You wished things could go back to how they used to be, but you knew the moment you’d laid in Negan’s bed that things would never be the same. You felt your nerves start as you realised you were heading straight for the doctor’s cabin. You stopped, hesitating. Negan laughed, pushing his hand against your back to edge you forward.  
“Come on doll, I got a surprise for you.”  
You saw Jesus standing near the door. You hadn’t seen him for…how long was it now? Months. You hadn’t been back here since the first time you’d seen the baby. Was this what Negan wanted? To see the baby? As you passed Jesus, he smiled at you, mouthing ‘are you ok’. You smiled back, nodding. You didn’t really know this man, and you were pretty much the enemy, but he’d been good to you. He didn’t have to be but he had been. You stepped into the room first, followed by Negan and Simon.   
“Hello Y/N, it’s good to see you again. Good to see your baby is blossoming! Come in, pop up on the couch for me.”   
It was the same doctor again. You were surprised he remembered your name, but then, you had no doubt Negan and his men had already had words with the doctor. You smiled at him and hopped up on the couch. Negan came and stood right next to you whilst Simon hung near the door, trying to look everywhere but directly at you. You saw the scanner all set up, ready for you to catch another glimpse of the baby growing inside. So that was why Negan had bought you here.   
“Ok Y/N, we’re just gonna have another check up on the baby. Even in this world, I still need to do my duty to you and your child.”  
You nodded, even though you had a good feeling this was nothing to do with his duty to you and more to do with Negan. You rolled your top up, exposing your swollen belly. You couldn’t bare to look in Simon’s direction. You were sure Negan had made him come, not for protection, but to satisfy his own ego. The gel was cold and your heart pounded in your chest as the doctor scanned over your belly. You were scared to look at the screen. As much as you didn’t want to be in this situation, you’d grow attached to the little human growing inside of you, you couldn’t bare to think if something was wrong. Negan’s grip on your hand tightened and you looked to him. For a moment, he actually looked human, not like the fearsome leader everyone knew, but someone different. It was as if you were looking at a completely different man. His face was softer, his eyes brighter. You saw his lips start to curl, a smile appearing on his face. You turned to the monitor and your eyes instantly filled with tears. There, on the screen, was the small shape of a baby, wriggling away. You couldn’t help the small laugh that escaped your lips at the image. Negan pressed your hand to his lips, planting a small kiss there, and then he too let out a small laugh.  
“That’s our baby… _that’s our baby_.”  
You could see the tears welling in Negan’s eyes, something that you’d never seen before. He lent over and planted a kiss on your forehead. You weren’t used to this side of Negan, but it was a welcomed change from his usual hard ass self.   
“Is everything ok…with the baby?” Your voice shook as you spoke. The doctor turned to you smiling.  
“Everything’s fine. You’ve got a very healthy baby right there. The size…we’re looking at about 23 weeks. If you want, I can tell you the sex.” Your eyes lit up as you looked at Negan. He nodded at you and you looked to the doctor, a huge smile on your face. “Well…it’s a girl.”  
Negan pulled you straight into an embrace, kissing you again.  
“We’re having a girl. Doll, I love you.”  
“I love you too.”  
The loud bang of the door made you jolt, pushing Negan away. You looked around the room and realised Simon was no longer there. You lunged forward ready to go after him but Negan held your arms, keeping you sitting on the bed.  
“Leave him. Simon needs a reminder of who’s in charge around here…and who you belong to.”   
His immediate change in tone makes you uneasy, but you decide not to fight him, not here. You relax under his grip and his kisses your forehead again. “Come on doll, let’s go show our faces. Doc…thanks for that.”  
Negan stood aside and allowed you to climb off the bed. You saw the doctor and Negan exchange nods, something else you weren’t used to seeing from Negan. You knew instantly this had been a favour for Negan, he’d probably swayed the doctor by promising medications that he’d never deliver. Negan led the way out of the cabin, and once again you were faced with the Hilltoppers dropping to their knees. You looked around wearily, noticing that there didn’t seem to be as many as there was earlier. Your eyes locked onto Jesus, a few feet away who seemed to be having a heated conversation with Simon. Something felt off to you, about them. About everything here. Negan strolled back and forth, making some speech about how they need to learn to respect him. You scanned everywhere, looking for all of Negan’s men, but you noticed some of them seemed to be missing too. You had a bad feeling in the pit on your stomach, you just couldn’t shake it off. And the you noticed it. Dwight was missing. Simon was distracted…and all the people bent down on the floor were not looking at Negan, they were looking past him. You followed their gaze and your instincts automatically kicked in. There was a man, walking from behind one of the cabins, a gun pointed directly at Negan. It was as if you were seeing it in slow motion. His eyes were focused completely on Negan, he was coming straight for him. Behind you, Simon had caught glimpse of the man too, immediately pulling his gun out and pushing Jesus out the way. The moment you saw his finger move, your instincts took over. You shouted Negan, running into his path, pushing him out of the way. A loud bang echoed out through the Hilltop. Everyone was silent. Whether it was the shock, or your body just going into denial, you didn’t realise what had happened until your felt the warm liquid seeping through your top. The guns erupted, roaring into action on the man holding the gun. Simon rushed passed you as you felt your legs starting to give out. You landed in Negan’s arms, his shouts and cries echoing through your mind. Your vision was blurry but you could make him out above you.  
“Shit! Y/N! Y/N stay with me!.....Will someone get the fucking doctor!!.......Y/N, come on keep your eyes open….Fucking kill them!!!....Y/N!...It’s gonna be alright doll, just stay with me…”  
You tried hard to focus on his voice, on his shadow above you, but your body was growing weak. Your hand hovered over the hole where the bullet had entered you, your top was soaked in the blood, an intense pain burning it’s way through your abdomen. You tried hard to speak, but you couldn’t do anything.  
“N…Nega…”  
Your body gave up on you, your eyes finally closing to the shouts of screams, shouting and gunfire all around you.


	25. Chapter 25

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Protecting Negan always comes at a price, and now the reader is paying the ultimate sacrifice.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it has taken me so long to update. I’ve been in a dilemma of which way I wanted to take this story but now I know, the ending is in sight, but this will be the first part in a series.

Your eyes fluttered open. Your body felt weak and sore. The light was pouring into the room and you squinted as your eyes adjusted. It took a moment before you realised you were in the infirmary. You rolled your head to the side and saw Simon, his head was resting against his hand, his body slumped in the chair. The sight of him put you at ease and you relaxed your head back on the pillow, closing your eyes once again. You tried hard to remember what had happened. Your mind was swirling in your confused state. You remembered snippets but nothing solid. You raised your hand to rub your eyes and felt an ache spread through it. Looking, you saw the cannula and the IV bag connected to it. _Damn, what happened to me?_ You tried hard to remember. You remembered snippets of people talking, panicked voices, and in the dark you’d found Negan’s voice, but you couldn’t remember what he’d said, only that he was there. The last thing you remembered was being at the Hilltop, seeing your baby girl on that screen. You laid still for a moment, trying to replay the day in your head. You remembered seeing your baby girl on the screen…and then…you tried hard to remember…Simon had walked out. You looked back over at him, a pan of guilt spreading through you. Simon had always been there for you, even now. You didn’t know how long he’d been asleep in that chair but he was still here. You remember walking out into the sun beating down on the Hilltop, everyone on their knees. And then that feeling came rushing back to you, that uneasiness that had spread through your body like a wildfire. The memory came crashing to the forefront of your mind and it was as if you were going through it all again. The man…Negan…the gun…You hand instantly reached down to where you had felt the blood pool as you tried to sit up. A surging pain spread through your abdomen and you let out a distraught moan. That was all that was needed to rouse Simon from his sleep and he leapt up, grabbing your hand in the process.

“Y/N! Are you ok? Are you alright?....Doc!...I need someone in here NOW!”

Simon sat on the edge of the bed, holding your hand until the doctor came rushing in. It was all happening so fast, your mind was whirling, trying to catch up. You tried to speak but the doctor urged you not to as he checked you over. Simon had sent a saviour to go and get Negan. The thought of seeing him was making you nervous. You didn’t know how he was going to react, or why he wasn’t here in the first place.

“Right Y/N, I need you to listen to me very carefully,” his voice was tinted with a sadness, but you couldn’t understand why, “What is the last thing you remember?” You looked at Simon, and then back at the doctor. Your throat ached as you forced the words out.

“I was at the Hilltop…with Negan…and then…there was a…a bang…and…I…I don’t know.” You wiped a stray tear from your eye as Simon squeezed your hand in reassurance.

“Ok…Y/N, I need you to stay calm and listen to me. You were shot. The bullet missed all of your major organs, however, it did send you body into shock, and as a result…” He paused, clearly finding this difficult to tell you, but you already knew what it was. There had been a pit in your stomach since you’d opened your eyes, you hadn’t felt right. Tears began to fall from your eyes and he spoke the words. “As a result…your baby…I’m sorry Y/N, she didn’t make it.” You couldn’t stop the sobs that instantly erupted from you. Simon embraced you straight away, not saying a word. The doctor continued to speak. “Negan decided it was best to remove the baby while you were still under. You’ve been out for a few days, and I’ve tried to keep your pain levels under control but if the pain becomes too much just let me know and we can make sure you’re comfortable. You’ve got two dressings on, one where the bullet entered and one where we had to perform the caesarean section. I’ll be back later to check on them and get you started on some antibiotics. I’ll give you some time alone.” The doctor gently placed his hand on your shoulder before nodding to Simon and leaving the room.

You tried to stop the tears that were falling from your eyes but it was no use. Simon held you tight against his chest, his arms wrapped around you, preventing you from pulling away. In the space of a few days your world had been completely tipped upside down. Your emotions were bubbling over. You were heartbroken at the loss of your daughter, but then Negan had ripped any chance of you getting to meet her from you. He had made the decision to maim your body and rip your unborn child from you. An anger was building up inside of you as the doctors words replayed in your head. Your tears were mixed with the anger that was raging inside of you. You held your hand against the soft cushion of the dressing covering your wound, a place that was once filled with the quiet wriggles of your baby. As Simon tried his best to comfort you, there was a large bang as Negan strolled into the room, Lucille resting on his shoulder. 

“Get out Simon.” His voice was cold. 

“I’ll be right outside. Shout if you need me.” Simon whispered to you before letting his arms drop away from you. He stood up and walked out of the clinic, not making eye contact with Negan once. Negan slammed the door behind him and then came towards you, sitting on the edge of the bed.

“So how you feeling doll?” You raised your eyes to meet his and the pain bubbled over.

“How do you think I feel?...” You were trying to stop your sobs, but every word out of his mouth was angering you even more. “You took my baby…you took her away from me!” You gave him a hard push back as he tried to come forward and embrace you.

“I did what had to be done Y/N.”

“It wasn’t your choice!” You felt the strain on your wound again and bought your hand to it, leaning forward to try and stop the pain that had jolted through you again.

“She was our baby. What was I supposed to do? Let her kill you from the inside? A choice had to be made and I made it. I did what I had to do.” His gaze had dropped from you, he was now pacing at the side of your bed. You couldn’t tell if he was upset or angry, but you didn’t want him here.

“Just get out Negan.” You wiped the tears from your cheeks and tried to straighten yourself up in the bed. You hated Negan seeing you weak.

“Excuse me?” He turned to you, a half smirk plastered across his face. “What did you just say?”

“Get out…” You were trying to steady your breathing, the pain in your body making it harder than usual. “Just go Negan.” He let out a small laugh and swung Lucille back up onto his shoulder.

“Don’t ever forget who saved you in the first place, doll. I can take it all away again.” He turned his back to you and began to walk to the door. Before he could leave you managed to say one more thing to him.

“You already did.”

\--

It had been a few days since your run in with Negan, and he hadn’t been back to see you once. You -new he had different saviours guarding the infirmary, and Simon had been a frequent visitor to you. You were sure they were all feeding back your every move to Negan, not that there was much to tell. You’d only managed to walk to the bathroom and back, you hadn’t been outside of these four walls since you woke up, but that was going to change today. You’d asked Simon to bring you some clothes, and thankfully he hadn’t done a bad job, although you were sure Negan had had some input. It took you longer than usual but you managed to get yourself dressed, being careful not to knock your wounds. You still hadn’t seen them yet, but the dressings would be coming off soon. You were slow at walking now, but you knew you were safe within the walls of The Sanctuary. You’d promised the doctor you wouldn’t be long, but in reality you were going to take as much time as you could. You needed some fresh air and you needed to escape those four walls. As soon as the fresh air hit you, you instantly felt better and your head cleared a little. You found a balcony overlooking the Sanctuary and planet yourself there, your legs hanging through the bars. You could see past the walls and you found yourself wondering what life would be like if you were back out there. You couldn’t help but think going with Negan had been the wrong decision, that you should have left before you got yourself into this mess. As you sat there, lost in your own thoughts, a familiar whistle broke into your mind. You turned your head to see Negan strolling towards you, Lucille swinging by his side. You turned your head away from him, pretending you hadn’t seen him. You didn’t want to see him, he just reminded you of everything that had gone bad. He stood next to you tapping Lucille on the floor.

“Go away.”

Your words were empty. Your mind was absolute torn with Negan. You knew everything that had happened between you was bad, it was as if drama followed you two around, but he was like a drug and no matter how much you told yourself you didn’t want him and you didn’t need him, you did. You wanted nothing more than him to scoop you up in his arms and tell you everything was going to be alright, but you knew him better than that. You were both too stubborn to make the first move. He let out a small laugh at your words before offering his hand to you.

“Come on doll, there’s something I need to show you.”

You didn’t have it in you to argue so you reluctantly took his hand and he pulled you up to stand. The sudden movement cause a sharp pain to shoot across your middle. Negan noticed the visible pain in your face and put his arm around you. 

“You ok doll?” You pushed his arm away, straightening yourself up.

“I’m fine.”

Negan walked slower than usual so that you could keep pace with him. As you walked past the various saviours you could feel their eyes following you, but none of them dared to speak to you. You didn’t doubt for a second that they knew what had happened. News travelled fast here and you were sure everyone knew what had happened at the Hilltop. You followed Negan until you reached the small burial site. You’d been here before, and you’d buried a few friends here, it wasn’t somewhere new to you. You folded your arms across your chest and looked to Negan.

“What are we doing here?”

Negan walked away from you and you realised he was walking to a new grave. You followed him and noticed the fresh flowers laying on top of the freshly turned soil. There was a small makeshift cross at the top of the grave, much smaller than the other graves. As you neared, you realised what this was. You instantly stopped in your tracks as tears began to pool in your eyes.

“I can’t…” Your hand shook as you placed it to your mouth, trying to stifle any sobs. Negan came towards you and grabbed your hand, gently ushering you towards the grave. “Negan…I…I can’t do this.”

He pulls you to him, wrapping his arm around your shoulders. You inch closer to the grave and the tears falls hard down your face.

“I didn’t want you thinking you wouldn’t get to say goodbye to her. I needed to keep her close to us…to you.” His voice was tinged with sadness, the look on his face was something you’d only seen once before, when he told you about Lucille. He let out a deep sigh as he held you against his chest. “Doll…why did you have to jump into the bullet?” He voice was shaking, something you’d never heard before in him.

“I…” Your tears were tinging your voice, making it shake as you spoke. “I was…trying to protect you…I…I saw the man with the gun and I…I just…” You couldn’t say any more and you held your hand against your mouth the try and stifle your cries. Your whole body shook as Negan held you tight against his chest. His kissed the top of your head and rested his against yours.

“It wasn’t your fault Y/N. I should never have taken you there. If I kept you safe…If I protected you…”

You couldn’t stop yourself and immediately pressed your lips to his. This kiss wasn’t like any other you had shared with Negan, it was softer. Tender. This wasn’t a kiss shared in passion, it was one shared in love. Negan finally pulled away from you.

“Shit Y/N…I love you.” The words hung in the air for a moment. You weren’t sure you’d heard him correctly, but the thumping of your heart knew exactly what he had said. Something you’d waited a long time to hear from him, and after so much sadness had tainted you, he finally said it. Your voice shook as you spoke.

“I love you too Negan.” The emotions running riot inside of you finally came to a head and you broke down, almost falling to the floor with the strength of your sobs. Negan bent down and pulled you into his arms. You were sure you saw him wipe one of his own tears away. “I…I can’t do this…I can’t….it hurts so much…” He pulled you tight, almost squeezing the air from your lungs.

“I’m not gonna lie to you…it doesn’t ever get any easier, but you learn to cope. You’re strong Y/N. Stronger than anyone I’ve met and you will get through this. _We_ will get through this because we don’t have any other choice…Now come on, you’re staying with me tonight.” Negan shifted to stand but you pulled him back.

“Wait…can we…can we stay here for a bit longer?...I just…I don’t want her to be alone yet.” Negan nodded pulling you to lean against his chest. You weren’t ready to leave your baby girl on her own. You didn’t get to meet her and now you wanted to know if Negan had. “Did you…did you get to meet her?” He waited a moment before answering.

“Yes.” 

“What was she like?”

“Tiny.” He let out a deep sigh and kissed the top of your head. “She was so small…so delicate. I could hold her in one hand. She was like glass.” 

That was enough for you, you couldn’t hear any more. The tears fell silently from your eyes as your stared at her tiny grave, the fresh flowers laid on top of it. You’re not sure how long you both stayed there, but by the time you left the sun was setting and a darkness was spreading over the Sanctuary. You were in quite a bit of pain from your wounds so Negan carried you back to his room, promising to take you back to the doctor in the morning. He took good care of, undressing you, placing you carefully in the bed. He kissed every inch of your bare skin, caressing your body, trying to distract it from the pain that was flowing through. 

“I love you Y/N. I promise nothing bad is ever gonna happen to you again.”

His words filled your ears with ecstasy, words that you had longed to hear. He continued to kiss your bare skin until sleep finally took a hold of you.

\--

You awoke to the blackness of Negan’s room, his satin sheets tangled around you. You weren’t sure what had woke up but you realised Negan was not cuddling you, but facing the other way. His body was shaking. You laid a hand on his should and felt each tremble underneath your fingertips.

“Negan?”

He didn’t respond. You leaned over him slightly to see if he was awake. His eyes were shut, but you could see his face was wet, a slow stream of tears falling from his eyes. You always thought Negan looked most vulnerable while he was asleep, now you really saw it. He spends his days hard as iron, and now here you saw him, actually seeming like a normal human. He shared your grief, despite the macho act he put on to everyone here at the Sanctuary. You kissed his shoulder and wrapped your arms around his waist, snuggling into his back. In that moment, you felt closer to him than ever before.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you are enjoying the story! This is the first part of a series which I've got big plans for =) Always appreciate any comments and feedback you have and don't forget to subscribe if you want to keep up!


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